another storm spoils the new year...

a fresh storm is moving in today - before we've even had a chance to unbury all the cars on the road and clear the icy, crater-laden side streets. the forecasters can't seem to decide if it's going to bring us 8 inches or 30 inches - or any number in between, for that matter. however, it's enough snow (and coming from the perfectly wrong direction) to cancel the trip that ian and i were supposed to take to new mexico. it seems that the universe is conspiring against us seeing my mom this year...

for this, it better be another darn good storm. we could use some more snowman and sledding time.

blizzard, redux...

this was dusk last night. the snow had stopped, but digging-out hadn't begun. today i made it to the office. tomorrow is my birthday. but through it all, there is snow.

blizzard of '06...

the first photo above is the view from my front porch across our courtyard. that drift runs down the center of the courtyard like the spine of an eel and is nearly 5 feet tall. we had some serious wind last night, so while the accumulation totals may not be great (not quite 2 feet), the drifts can be much more impressive. the second picture is a view out my window to another five foot drift that covers my fence and rosebushes. quite the storm...

i set out late this morning with some neighbors on a trek to the grocery store and to pick up ian. k lives a mile down the road and the grocery store is another couple blocks away, so i threw on the kid backpack, took the snow shovel in case there were any snow emergencies along the way, and we walked through the drifts...

it's the rare day in the city when the snow is enough to paralyze the movement of traffic - but today is one of those days. the streets were deserted of moving cars - but littered with buried vehicles strewn across the streets, unable to make it to their destinations in the storm. human foot tracks provided an unpacked trail, unleashed dogs frolicked in the pure white drifts, and friendly neighbors were dressed in all sorts of ski and snowshoe gear to traverse the temporary landscape. it was a beautiful walk, and - due to the 30-something extra pounds on my back, a shovel in one hand and some groceries in the other, i arrived home with a healthy sweat to watch rudolph the red-nosed reindeer with my little boy...

unfortunately, the blizzard brought a level of loneliness last night that was very nearly paralyzing. but with ian around the rest of the day, hopefully i can fend off the loneliness and huddle inside and out in the pre-christmas storm. and so long as things clear up in the next couple days so that my brother can get in from nyc and my parents and sister make it down from the mountains, we can look forward to the first white christmas in a while...

in search of a good meal...

in thirteen days i turn thirty-five.

and the thing i want most for my birthday is to have someone buy me dinner. on my birthday. like a celebration. if one were to celebrate thirty-five.

but... well, i know better. no sushi. no chicken picatta. just me and a couple frozen burritos on a saturday night.

at least the next day is crab legs for christmas eve.

thanks...

thanksgiving is so close. and while i've been dwelling on the bad these days, there's so much that i have going for me to be thankful for...

for my son - numero uno. because without him, life wouldn't hold the wonder that it does every day.

for my family. it's a big one, and i'm the person i am today because of them. all of them.

for my best friend. i have absolutely no idea where i'd be without her - except that i'm infinitely better for having her in my life.

for reasons to be hopeful. lots of reasons.

for a new year. and a fresh start.

for nature. for green. for life.

for the wherewithal to have gotten this far in the pursuit of a healthy lifestyle for myself.

for my health and the health of those close to me.

for good food.

and for love. in its every manifestation.

on the market...

it's official. the sign's in the yard. the pictures have been taken. the price has been set. and it may not be the best time of year to do this kind of thing (and i know - i've been through it before), but my house is on the market.

blogland, please cross your fingers for a quick sale. i need to move on with this life, and part of that is starting new in a place of my own. a place that can really reflect me.
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on a different note - since i haven't spoken a word about training lately - well, training. for the past couple months it's been running and weights on the weekend only... weekday life has just been too crowded. i may be a little hopeful (or naive), but i'm going to do my best to get my run on another day every week... starting this week. the positive is that the same chris who didn't run one bit this time last year is putting in five to six miles at a time - which is working out to about 45 miles a month. 2005 chris would have called me a lunatic...

down

not a great time in foolish epidemic land. too many memories, too much stress, too alone. thing is - this is the time of year that i used to look forward to the most. now, it's just a reminder of everything that i don't and can't have.

the next couple months are bound to suck. just hope i can get through them with some semblance of sanity...

i have failed you, oh internet...

so i haven't posted in a while again. i also haven't set goals and have been making it to the gym in embarassing infrequency. but i do have excuses. which means i have excuses, and no real reasons. ah... what's a guy to do?

excuse no. 1: i'm selling my house. and buying another. seems my "special taxing district" means 3x the surrounding metropolitan property tax. yeah - that's pretty special. and although i've been in the house for nearly 2.5 years, the city just levied that tax. and i have the pleasure of paying back taxes for a year. and - ouch - a tax increase plus back taxes equals unaffordable.

at the same time, though, it allows me to start again on my own. to erase the unfortunate memories that reside in this house. to pay k off and eliminate my debt to her (that isn't due for another 16 months - but early is good, right?), to find a place that is me and mine. there are a hundred stressful things to consider along the way, but it'll be a good thing in the end...

excuse no. 2: i've been lazy. after the race for the cure in denver a couple weeks ago, i've got nothing lined up on the horizon to train for. it's getting cold, nighttime occurs an hour earlier, and i just haven't felt like getting to the gym on weeknights. because i'm a bum...

and that's me lately. a lazy, house-selling, non-posting bum. i will get better - but i will make no more promises to you, internet. i've raised expectations enough already and failed you miserably. i just hope i don't disappear altogether...

a humble return...

so, it's come to my attention that i haven't updated this site in nearly a month. what, you may ask, could i have been doing for the last month that was more important than updating this site? don't get me started...

- certainly not running. or training, should i say. since the steamboat triathlon i've run a total of four times. bike - nada. swim - nada...

- recovering. last week was all about recovering from a cold that shut me down for a week. ingesting over-the-counter drugs. trying to convince ian to cover his mouth when he coughs. sleeping much more than normal...

- sleeping. like i said - much more than normal. with tons of pressure at work (more than anyone really sees), i've been drained by the time i get home. so sleep starts near 9:00 every night. i've been a sleeping machine...

that's been my month. not training, recovering and sleeping. and working. of course, there was also the boulder backroads half-marathon this past weekend. my first ever distance race... i've never even run a 10k event, much less a half-marathon. but i managed to lace up the shoes after a long cold and little training and ran a race-official 1:54.57 13.1 miles. and it could have been better except for the intense hip-pain that, at mile 11, caused me to stop and stretch out for a couple excruciating minutes. for 11 miles, i managed an 8:28 pace. and then my body fought back...

i managed to finish, though (522 out of 2024), and learned that training for a race of that length is probably pretty important. that it takes more attention than just wanting to finish to finish strong. and i determined that next year i'll go back for a second chance - a chance at redemption that i don't really need. because, for heaven's sake, i just ran 13 freakin' miles. january chris would have scoffed at such an idea...

next step: a plan for the off-season. because i plan to redeem myself at each of the events i did this summer, and add a couple more for good measure. and because if i don't plan, i won't do anything. and if i don't do anything, this site will be silent. and the last thing i want to do is bore the internet...

tri two (in more ways than one)...

okay. so i'm a competetive mother. especially when it comes to myself. i just deleted a crap race report - because i laid in bed thinking that it wasn't me. i was once (and still am) a decent writer, a decent story-teller. but i've gotten away from what makes me so - and that's the heart of the story...

i've had a painful year and a half. 18 months ago, i was a mess. my wife (at the time) had cheated on me, and i was living with the wounds. i worked my ass of to make it better for us - and she did no work in return. we split up, my spirit broken. father to a 20-month old son, i was a mess...

over time, i worked myself up the ladder of self-preservation. and i had a friend who i leaned on for support and for spirit. she had begun swimming, and our conversations about it convinced me to sign up for a health club membership. and in august of last year, i started swimming again for the first time in 17 years...

in december, carrie asked if i'd like to do a triathlon. i'd talked about it a bit with greenfish, but never really believed i had it in me. but in pre-christmas spirit i thought - why not... and this weekend we did the tri that we talked about so long ago...

the race went well, having my family and my son there with me meant more than finishing ever could. but the entirety of the last 18 months has meant the most to me...

when i discovered i wasn't good enough for k, i knew i was in trouble. because i hadn't had much of a reason to believe in myself in the last several years. in the end, i worked hard to save my marriage, only to discover that it wasn't worth saving in her eyes. and that was a tough blow for a guy who defined himself by his family...

yet over the last 16 months, i've allowed myself the opportunity to regain some sense of purpose. i've always lived for my son, but i've learned that part of that is living for my son - keeping my heart healthy and my mind engaged. i've learned to push my body and to strive for a physical goal - rather than letting age and genetics get the best of me. i've fought my own devices and become a runner and a swimmer and a biker, all while hanging on to the person i most want to be... a good father. and i've come through it all with a better relationship with my sister and an incredible friendship that i'd never thought possible last spring. i've come out of this a better man, and thank god for that..

so the race report... i did well. i am proud of myself. seven months ago, i couldn't run a mile, and yesterday i followed a 3/4 mile swim and 20 mile ride with a four mile run. i improved on my first tri. i raced with my sister. and my son and my father, both smiling and cheering, shared a high-five with me seconds before i crossed the finish line. and today i feel a strength and a self-worth that i haven't felt for most, if not all, of my adult life. please excuse me while i feel good...

three years old...

i probably need to post about a number of things. a celebrity blogger tri event this past weekend with stronger and bolder. a third-birthday party for my little boy. an upcoming triathlon in steamboat. but i'm too tired to think about writing. so how 'bout a photo of the little man post-birthday to tide you over until race-report monday? okay... you win.

pride...

seriously. the steamboat triathlon is 10 days away. seriously...

the first (and last) tri i completed was fathers' day. this-year-fathers-day. i was proud. i had a cheering section, thanks to a wonderful sister and her two beautiful kids. it was my first real foray into athletic accomplishment since college. and i felt good. felt good even though i couldn't manage to run the entire 5k. felt good even though the swim was so much less than i thought i had in me. i finished, and i felt good...

this time, not so accommodating. i want to swim the swim. i want to run the entire run. (the bike - eh - i'll get that done, but with ian home four nights a week and my insane work schedule... who has time to ride?) this time, i want to make myself proud. feeling good is not really good enough. proud is where i want to be...

the question is - what makes proud? i don't have a race plan like carrie (and, for the record, i really don't care if she beats me - because if she does it means that she's done pretty damn well). i've never been the guy who lives by his athletic ability... i depend on my determination. when i was in crew in college, i was immediately pegged as the coxswain. so not only did i become the conference's best coxswain, i was also the bow seat in the second varsity boat - the seat whose technique dictates the balance of the shell. for my entire athletic life, what i've lacked in size and brawn i've made up for in technique and style...

so what makes me proud? style. technique. determination. i have no presumptions of ever being a top 10-percent finisher. i don't have time. frankly, i don't have motivation. but i am motivated to see improvement from my own body... a body of which i have asked little of in ten years that i am suddenly putting through the rigor of training. i am motivated to complete a 1200 meter swim in open water. i am motivated to transition from bike to run and push my body to complete a 4-mile run - following the 20-mile ride and 3/4 mile swim - that i couldn't contemplate 7 months ago. and i am motivated to finish this triathlon with the motivation to continue the training that i've been doing, to maintain a healthy heart and a confident mind. motivated to dedicate myself to a long life of living. for my son, for my family, and for myself...

what makes me proud? happily, i can say - no matter where i finish in steamboat - what gives me pride is me.

inked...

because greenfish is going to shoot me if i don't post one of the photos that she so generously took - here's the new ink addition. the character of the artwork turned out at least as good as i had hoped - and i'm very pleased with it.

carrie, i don't think i need to stress that this is confidential in an internet-confidential kind of way. i'm still afraid of letting down my parents. this was a personal healing decision for me, though, and one i'm happy that i made. it holds a lot of meaning for me, and meaning is something i've been searching for a lot lately...

mistletoe looks good...

when the artist is amazing. story and pictures to come later...

i'm typing this post with ice on my knees...

this morning, i wasn't even really all that sure i was going to run today. i packed my gym bag just in case - and i was pretty confident i'd do something. but i had no idea what. and absolutely no intention of doing what i did...

the longest i've ever run was a few weeks ago when i decided to do 10 miles fairly out of the blue. the run wasn't easy, but i made it through. and based on a level of confidence akin to that of a 20-year old college kid with enough liquor in him to kill a horse, i signed up for a half-marathon a couple days later. and since i started running in february, my average run distance has gone up (from about 5k per for the first few months, to 4.5 miles per in may and june, to about 10k in july). but i hadn't reached (or tried to reach) double digits again...

until tonite.

i set off with the intention to run to a point and back. i knew the 10 mile turnaround from having done it before, and there's a major intersection down the path a bit that i was running to. i figured it was another half-mile or so, so 11 miles was about the goal when i began. but as i ran, i kept convincing myself that 11 miles wasn't enough... 12 sounded so much better. so i was running for 12. and, of course, once i thought about that a little more i figured - what's another half-mile or so to the turn? i can totally do 13-point-1. so that's what i did...

now - granted - i did have to stop once to stretch at about mile 10. and i walked another minute and a half at mile 11.5. but i made it. half-marathon distance, a full seven weeks before the boulder backroads race. my knees are stiff as hell, i'm a little disappointed that i had to walk a bit of it. but six months ago i wasn't running, period. and today i ran way too far for my own good. well, for my knees' good. because my mind feels a wonderful sense of accomplishment...

overall: 13.1 miles, 1:53.42

back in the saddle...

for the better part of a week, i was a little too sloth-y for my taste. wasn't feeling particularly well (phlegmy throat, and worried that i was coming down with the same bug that knocked me out for nearly two weeks after the tri), had too much other stuff on my mind, and it's stupidly hot - not a good recipe for me and training...

but this weekend has made me feel quite a bit better. yesterday was a run on the treadmill (thank goodness for the childcare center at the gym - otherwise, yesterday would have been nothing). 8.1 miles, 64 minutes - a good run, felt strong, and considering i hadn't run since sunday eight miles felt pretty good. could have gone farther, except i plugged 64 minutes into the computer to begin the run and i was pretty much stuck with it.

this morning i woke up, got my bike gear together, and headed out for a bike-swim-bike workout. the ride to the reservoir (12 miles) was uneventful if not annoying (thanks to a mysterious squeak of the rear tire), but felt good, and the water was amazingly pleasant. swam a 6 x 300, and really didn't want to get out of the water - with no crowds and the heat coming, it felt like heaven. back on the bike (and the way back is less strenuous than the way out) until five miles in, when the rear tire went flat. it was the second ride in a row that the rear tire pooped out, at just about the same spot. thankfully i learned from the last time and came prepared with a new tube. the change wasn't particularly quick - my old bike has some incredibly tight tires - but i got it done. and a ton of people offered help as they passed, which (after carrie's recent experience) helped to restore some faith in humanity...

after the run i got showered and headed out to a bike shop. i've been riding the same lemond reno for 8 years, and it's been a good bike. but lately, it's felt heavy and perhaps a little unreliable. i've gone bike shopping several times in the last couple months, but never pulled the trigger. today, though, i did. and i'm now outfitted with a new speciallized allez sport. still on the entry side of the road bike market, but i can't justify spending much more. and i've got a new ride that should only motivate me more to train...

true love...

i'm at a point. a point that i'm afraid of a lot of things. so many things weighing on my mind, and so little outlet. even this site can't be an outlet for some things. but one - one i guess i can let go...

parenting. i'm afraid of it. not because i don't know what to do (well, i don't. but who does?). not because i don't think i can raise my son to be a good person. not because of so many of those things that the world would think a dad would be afraid of...

i'm afraid of my son not understanding how much i love him.
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i didn't have the smoothest of childhoods. i lived with my mom for 10 years and rarely saw my dad. then i lived with my dad for 8 years and rarely saw my mom. i adored my mom - she was the person i knew for so long - and i couldn't see her flaws. my dad and i fought for a long time - i was the oldest, i wasn't perfect, there was always the threat that i could be shipped back to life with my mom. my dad told me one day when i was in my early teens that my mom didn't really want me, but that's the way custody worked out. it broke my heart. and from where i stand today, i suspect he regrets it...

it wasn't until the second semester of my junior year of high school that my dad and i finally got along. i don't know why it worked out that way - all my friends were going in the opposite direction with their parents. but at that point, i felt like i had finally made it... made it to the family - no threats, just love. and acceptance. but mostly love...

now please don't get me wrong. my dad is a great man. perhaps not the best at expressing emotions. but he is a rock. he went through the infidelity just like i did, and he never mentioned it to me. and he is the man that i want to be...

except for one thing. and this is what i'm afraid of when it comes to ian...

i remember my high school graduation day very well. the ceremony is cloudy. the after-party cloudy too. what i remember clear as a bell is coming home from the ceremony and walking in the door and my dad greeting me at the top of the stairs. he said to me: "i'm proud of you and i love you." and that is the first memory i have of my dad telling me that he loved me...
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i tell ian that i love him every day. so many times that some people might think i'm over-parenting. that i'm soft. but, dammit, i love that kid. love him more than i am capable of loving, it seems. yet i am afraid, day after day, that he's not going to understand that. being a single parent is a lonely and frightening thing - but moreso, i think, when you were raised that way. and i don't make up for that by showering ian with gifts or feeding him bad food. i do get mad, and i do discipline. but above all else, i remind him incessantly that i do, in fact, love him...

and i'm still afraid that it's not going to be enough.

volunteer duty...

yesterday was my second triathlon. well, my second triathlon experience. my first was the father's day triathlon i completed just a month ago. my second was as volunteer for the denver danskin triathlon...

i decided to volunteer for the race for several reasons. one, i sincerely appreciated the volunteers at the boulder sprint tri and their water-bearing cheerfulness. two, my incredible friend greenfish was participating - in her very first triathlon - and i wanted to be there to offer moral support. and three, the race supports breast cancer research - a cause i am enthusiastically behind...

i was originally assigned to the finish line, which meant passing out water, draping medals over finishers' heads, and snipping off timing chips. as the first winner came nearer and nearer the finish line, though, more and more volunteers showed up for the finish - clogging the area even before any of the 2,300 athletes crossed the line.

in a fit of wisdom, the organizers decided to relocate a few of us to points along the run course. it was a sweltering, cloudless day (temperatures hovered near or over 100 degrees for most of the day), and the fear of dehydration convinced the organizers to locate volunteers at points along the run course in case there were any emergency situations. armed with only a couple gallons of water, i stood in the same spot on the shadeless out-and-back course - one mile from the finish - for four hours, until the last of the participants had passed...

it was an amazing experience. yes, it was warm, but it was nothing compared to the gratitude expressed by so many of the athletes. i can be a fairly emotional person, and watching as each woman ran or walked by both out and back - either for themselves or in honor of another, to prove they could make it or to improve on a previous result - i felt a tremendous amount of respect for the race, for the event, and for every woman who passed. and while i'm not exactly an out-going, rah-rah type guy, i gave encouragement to as many of the 2,300 finishers as i could. because with a mile left, i was the last red shirt they'd see until the finish line...

i'll never forget the appreciation in the looks of so many faces. i'll never forget the smile on greenfish's face as she ran by on the way out and the way in. and i'll certainly volunteer again...

and speaking of greenfish... i won't steal her thunder by posting her results. but i will say that i was incredibly proud of her as she ran by, grinning from ear-to-ear. i knew she could do it. but i don't think i expected (nor did she) that she'd do as well as she did. while i was standing at my post, i heard the din of the names of the finishers as they crossed the line all morning - and just a din as all the names were foreign. but when greenfish crossed i heard her name clear as a bell - and a big fat grin broke across my face...

too much on my mind...

i have way too many thoughts to adequately focus on any single thing. so here goes:

i went clothes shopping yesterday. clothes shopping has been incredibly frustrating lately, as no clothiers seem to make a mens' waist size less than 30 inches these days. i've written about this before. and it sucks. i'm reduced to wearing shorts with holes, because i can't find anything that fits. and i'm not that freakin' small! frustrating...

but i had some luck at the gap this weekend. my first new pair of shorts in a couple years. even some good jeans. still nothing i can wear to a meeting at work. but something. and i've been wearing the same size for 15 years - except now i'm somehow an inch smaller in the waist. and five pounds heavier. damn that working out!

the neighbor's house is "under contract." which mildly reduces the pain of k's parents movin a half-mile away in less than a month. and, apparently, k moving a mile away in the other direction the same weekend. oh lord...

tattoo update: none really. that comes tomorrow, when i meet with an artist. we'll see - i want to trust someone to do what i'm looking for. otherwise, no ink...

ian's out of town this week. which sucks. the sleeping in is nice, but the difference between 6:30 and 7:00 does not make up for the absence of his smile. he left yesterday morning, and my - how i miss him...

i still can't slow down, although i'll keep trying. i set off on a 5-mile, easy run tonite - and went out at a 7:48 pace. somehow, two miles later i ran 7:30. this was not what i wanted to do. i managed to push myself to a 10k, with an average split of 7:58. but i wanted more along the lines of 8:30. i'm a stubborn, competetive idiot. oh well - next time...

entering psychosis...

so i'm feeling a bit psychotic...

last year at this time, i was dealing with a separation and pending divorce. mediation - which, despite not having to pay exhorbitant lawyer fees (although i still spent 1500 bucks) - sucked. k was an exercise nut... over the top. and i was enjoying the peace from her nagging. meaning i was doing exactly nothing. enter august, though, when greenfish's exploits in the swimming pool convinced me to take up a childhood activity and a gym membership. followed by carrie's challenge in december to do a triathlon. and here i am...

today i signed up to do the boulder backroads half-marathon. if you've read this site (i know, that's you carrie and ashley), you know that i was never a runner. didn't actually pick up running until february - and that was only because i was doing a flippin' triathlon in june. never thought running was remotely fun and was never remotely motivated to run. and here i am, signed up, $65 dollars out-of-pocket, to do a half-marathon. in september. four weeks after tri number two...

semi-psychotic. but thanks to my training partner, my motivator, some footwear advice from everyone's favorite blogger, some inspiration, and a desire to prove to myself that i can do it - well, i'm gonna do it. and after last night's run, 13.1 doesn't seem unrealistic...

although psychotic is pretty close...

mission accomplished...

tonite was the real breakthrough. 10 miles, outside, 8:28 pace. i wanted to force myself to run at a bit slower pace (8:45ish), but i need to allow myself to practice this and get better. as it is, this is easily my furthest run and longest run (1 hour, 24 minutes). and while i started feeling it the last couple miles, i really felt pretty strong the whole way. next goal - half-marathon. and after that? i've never felt remotely compelled to run 26.2... but who knows? i've surprised myself quite a bit over the last 11 months...

downside? blisters. one, two, three new blisters. perhaps i should get something better than my 30-dollars-on-sale running shoes...?

learning self-control...

i'm home today. or, rather, not at work today. ian's day care decided they needed a five-day holiday weekend, so i have to pleasure of a mid-week full day with my boy. it's not often we get these outside of the weekend, and we're taking full advantage. ian's highlight? a new bike helmet. my highlight? lunch...

i did manage to get a good run in this morning, althought not the distance run outdoors that i've been wanting to do (but conveniently not getting around to). but it was kind of a breakthrough run for me nonetheless...

see, i have a difficult time monitoring the speed of my runs. i seem to feel i have to run - fast - for the run to be worth it. and the speed that i can't seem to restrain limits my ability to go for distance - which means my long distance to this point is seven miles, and i'm usually in the five-mile range for a "long" run...

but i realized last week, running with greenfish, that a slower cadence equals a greater capacity for distance. that if i run in the range of 9-minute miles rather than 7:30 miles, i can probably run for a much longer - and much more fulfilling - distance. i know this is preaching to the choir, i know it's common sense, but i just haven't been able to back off...

until today. today i didn't push it. i set the time on the treadmill, i ran at a moderate pace, and i felt i could go forever. and it's not that the overall distance was anything to write home about - but the feeling right now that i could actually go out for another run today or go for a long-distance run tomorrow is pretty rewarding...

back on the bike...

the diagnosis from the doc was allergies. relief - because i didn't want some respiratory bug knocking me out. but discouraging in a way - because my allegies have never manifested themselves in the form of a gutteral, phlegmy, rib-bursting cough. don't really want to look forward to this every june, but deal with the cards you're dealt, right?

today i got out for the first real activity since the triathlon (not counting thursday's run with greenfish which was encouraging because i wasn't affected by the cough). the afternoon skies turned cloudy and the heat backed-off a little, so i managed to get out for a 30-mile ride. it felt pretty good, although by about mile 23 i was beginning to struggle, and at mile 24 i discovered a slow leak in my rear tire (with no spare) that had me stopping every mile on the way in to add air. all told, though, it felt great to get out and do something. hopefully this is the kick-start for the new training regimen that gets me to the steamboat tri in about 8 weeks...

i'm probably overreacting...

i feel handcuffed. bound by this cough that i can't explain and i can't make go away. i haven't been able to do anything physical over the past week and a half, and the cough isn't dissipating. so i've gone in a direction i'm not all that comfortable with - and tomorrow morning i'll see a doctor. because i fear some level of pneumonia now, and that can't be a good thing. and i am never the hypochondriac...

a different kind of training...

the updates, they haven't been happening...

the cold that i wrote about in the last post? it's lingered. lingered now for - oh - two weeks. a deep, from-the-recesses-of-the-lungs cough. allergy-related nasal issues. fatigue. the race set me back a good week in my recovery, i fear. and since the race there have been exactly zero work-outs, knowing full well that any heavy cardio activity is only going to extend this cold. i'm cranky and generally not-much-fun to be around. cold, cold - please go away!

on a much different note, however, ian is in the midst of a life-changing event. an event that, when completed, will result in fewer necessary hand-washings on my part, and (i fear) an increased amount of small-load laundry washing. yes - potty training has commenced...

frankly, i've been dreading the potty training thing. i don't mind changing dirty diapers, really. and i have no clear idea how to go about doing it. carrie swears by the m&m method of training - with the results to prove it - but i'm not yet ready to use bribery. i'm counting on the peer-pressure and day-care-teacher-as-motivator methods. passing the buck - i know. but hey - they're practiced, right? today was ian's first trip to school wearing underwear - and the first thing he did was show one of his little buddies his scooby-doos. pride as motivator can't be a bad method either, i suppose...

and there was beer at the finish...

before i get into the race, thanks to all who sent good thoughts my way. and thanks especially to carrie, who not only sent most of the well-wishers in my direction, but also brought her beautiful kids (with encouraging signs in hand) to the race and made it a morning all the more memorable for me...

so today was my first triathlon. well, sprint triathlon. but c'mon - seven months ago, i hadn't really considered doing a race like this. i mean, greenfish and i had talked about it last summer, but i never really expected to do one. then my sister convinced me to give it a go. and i'm thrilled that she did...

i hadn't been feeling well for several days leading up to the race. allergies and a sinus cold conspired against me at the same time mid-week, and i've been a ball of phlegm ever since. i woke up this morning (at 5:00!) feeling better than i had in days, though, which was a welcome sign. and feeling rested, i headed to boulder. to the same reservoir i'd been on hundreds of times when i rowed crew in college - but had never been in, ready for a challenge that i was about to undertake...

the day was perfect. no wind, not too hot. i headed out with the fifth wave, swimming directly into the sun. i'm not sure the swim portion is something a first-time triathlete can adequately prepare for. the bodies, the flailing arms and legs, the opacity of the water. add to all that the invisiblity of the buoys due to the blinding sun, and the out leg of the swim was daunting. stroke, stroke, breath - crap another leg. stroke, stroke, breath - who's climbing up my ass? stroke, stroke, breath - where's the frickin' buoy?!

i managed to finish the swim (exhausted - was there really more?!) and ran to the transition to get on the bike. after taking my time in t1 (3:30ish), i mounted the bike and headed out for what i knew was a steady climb for the first 5 or 6 miles (thankfully, i had driven the course the day before). the good news, though, was that the rest of the bike course was some great declines with only a few small inclines along the way. and while i felt strong on the bike, due to the fact that the race was in boulder (and boulderites are, well, bikers by nature) i was getting passed left and right. thankfully, i didn't care. i felt good and that was what mattered...

t2 was another slow transition, and i could have used more time... because the run was tough. maybe it was because i couldn't manage my pace very well, but i had to stop and walk several times during the course of the run. still, i managed an 8:30 pace, and a sprint to the finish. overall, my time of 1 hour, 45 minutes was exactly where i thought i'd be. and i made it through. i am now a triathlete...
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my next race is in august, a race i'm doing with stronger. i learned today what i need to work on for that race. more open water swims (i had none under my belt before today) and more distance swim training. transitioning from bike to run in real conditions - not indoors. and hopefully staying cold- and phlegm-free the week of the race. but i also learned today that i can do it, that i don't have to fear the triathlon, and that taking your body to the next level is worth all the effort...

results...

this morning was my first official 5k race in something like 7 years. i didn't know what to expect results-wise going in - only hoped that i'd run a decent pace and see what it was like to actually run with other people. no high expectations - just a chance to run around the neighborhood and guage my improvement since i began running in february...

of course, 30 minutes before the race began, k called and let me know that she was running as well. i knew that she was going to be all about kicking my butt. she's a running veteran, an exercise junkie. i figured i may have a chance to beat her. but i knew that she very well might take me. i wasn't going to let her race dictate mine - don't need to be ultra-competitive with the ex-wife...

the first quarter mile or so was spent getting past much of the throng on the narrow path, and i felt like i had a good stride going - if not a little too fast. i had the garmin on, but only used it to let me know my pace at the end of each mile. about a half-mile in, k pulled up beside me with a "what's your pace" comment and ran on past - definitely happy to be overtaking me, i'm sure. not a big deal, i thought. let her go...

the garmin rang at the one mile mark and read 7:17. good pace for a first mile for me - certainly race-pace. the course was pretty hilly (well, hilly for an old airport in denver) and i tried my best to power up the hills. definitely a good idea to run the 5k today before next week's triathlon...

at about a mile and a half, i managed to move by k - she didn't really fall back as much as i had picked up the pace. when the garmin alerted me that the second mile was complete, i looked down to see that i had managed a 7:04 split. good time for me, yes, but it took a lot of juice out of me. the final mile was going to be a rough one...

i spent the last mile just trying to hold pace with the people in front of me. the garmin rang at mile three (7:27) - i was relieved to have kept it under 7:30. the last tenth (actually two-tenths) was a slightly higher pace finish. i was out of energy, but pleased with the race. my actual 5k time of 22:40 was better than i had hoped for. and my official race time of 23:13 was good for 18th place overall (out of 140 total) and 5th in my old-man age group (out of 25). i didn't imagine i could finish that high, so am very pleased with the run...

and k finished 10 seconds behind me. but first in her age group. must have been bittersweet...

counting down...

tonite was my last big workout before next sunday's sprint triathlon in boulder. i kind of feel like an amateur (oh wait - i am an amateur!) for tapering for a sprint triathlon, but i hear that's what i need to do. so taper it is...

because the weather was crummy tonite, i went the indoor route - 17.2 miles on the bike (50:50) followed by a 5k on the treadmill (23:40). and i made it. with energy to spare. will i be able to do the triathlon? unless i drown - yes. and i won't drown. i've been swimming since i was eleven...

the tapering begins tonite. i'll go for a swim tomorrow (1500 meters = 2x the tri). i've got a 5k race in the 'hood on saturday - followed by a 1k fun run for the kids that ian and i will do with my sister and her girls. sunday is going to be all about fixing up my brother's house to sell (he's selling long distance from nyc and has enlisted the help of his brothers - keep that futon available, bubba!). and then there's pre-race week. a couple 5k jogs, a trip to omaha (which will include zero high-humidity work-outs, i promise), and a short swim. then sunday...

the best part of sunday? it won't be finishing the race - i'm confident that i'll do fine, and i'm certainly not going out there to win. if stronger comes to watch, that'll be a very close second. but the best part will be coming back home to spent a well-deserved father's day afternoon with the best kid a dad could hope to have. and maybe a sister to stick around and share it with us? (hint, hint)

the best photo EVER...

seriously. how adorable is that?!

i haven't felt much like writing lately. haven't felt much like working out lately. haven't really felt like doing much of anything... except hanging out with the boy. we dusted off the bike trailer this weekend and spent two days exploring the parks and the pools in the neighborhood. he exhausted me and the play exhausted him (to the tune of two naps both saturday and sunday - unheard of these days), and we had a wonderful weekend. it was a beautiful kick-off to summer...

exploring his way toward three...

i've always loved this time of year - the change of seasons from winter to summer, the extended evening daylight, the emergence of the plants from their long dormancy. but this year, the joy of the spring evening is greater. greater because of the discovery of a nearly three-year-old mind...

ian's curiosity is at a peak these days, seemingly on the same schedule as the warming of the weather and the greening of the landscape. his tricycle, which got little to no use last year, is a machine for exploring the neighborhood. his eyes scour the ground for insects, the air for flying creatures both manmade and organic. give him a ball - any ball - and the world all around is his playground...

friday evening was as perfect a time as i've had as a father. ian discovered his first grasshopper and first roly-poly in the same evening. his joy and interest and wonder were absolutely contagious. i caught myself looking toward every new experience he'll have this summer and wanting to make sure i'm there to share it all...

the love of family...

my youngest brother got married this weekend. beautiful wedding, beautiful bride, an incredible amount of family pride and family love. ian was the ringbearer - and made me a very happpy daddy when he sprinted down the aisle to be in my arms. i suspect that if you asked the bride and groom, they'd say it was a perfect wedding. it certainly was from my vantage point...

this is a tough post to write, because i don't want to make a beautiful day about my own feelings. but the weekend wasn't without it's difficult moments. i had a bout of emotions during the reception, emotions that caught up with me over the course of the weekend. it was the first wedding i've attended in the last eight or ten years that i attended date-less. i stood at the altar with both of my brothers - each of whom was in my wedding and i theirs - and felt pride for them and disappointment in my lot in life. none of the expanded family asked about k or my situation, but i wondered what or if they were thinking about it. it was a celebration of a beautiful couple, and i couldn't help at times but feel out of place in a small but acute way. when i did fall into a brief self-pity episode during the reception, though, i found help climbing out from carrie, a wet-eyed dance, and reassurance from a sister who knew in her own way what i was going through. thank you, carrie. it meant more than you know...
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on a different note: happy birthday yesterday to my dear friend greenfish. it was a kick-ass birthday week, it was fun celebrating you, and it wasn't ridiculous in any way! i think i speak for the rest of the office when i say we can't wait until next year...

saturday treadmill 5k...

it's been a bit since i've posted stats about a run... mainly because i used to feel proud to make it 5k, and that's become a short run (and an unusual run) for me now. but just for kicks, i ran a 5k for time this morning:

mile 1 - 7:11
mile 2 - 6:56
mile 3 - 6:49
5k total - 21:37
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on another note, i got some new bike shoes and pedals today - since the ones i've had for eight years now don't seem to get along anymore. i'm starting to feel some urgency about the boulder sprint triathlon, as it's only 5 weeks away. i still haven't booked a wetsuit, and i've never swam in one before. think i better get that taken care of soon!

the miracles of childbirth and of friendship...

late last night, two of my best friends had twins. their first children. and i can't really explain the impact on my life...

i've known kathy and greg longer than i've known k. kathy started as a salaried employee at my last job about 3 weeks before i began my internship. she and i joined current office on the same day - the first two hires. we've been close friends for a long time now. in time, i've grown nearly as close to these two people as is possible for me. they were at my wedding. their dog was best friends with my first dog. they were the first people i called when i found out about k's cheating. they've been there through it all...

but today is even more special to me than all the friendship can describe. because two weeks before i found out i was going to be a father, i learned that kathy was pregnant. and less than a week after i found out about ian's conception, kathy had miscarried...

our chidren would have been weeks apart in age. they'd have grown up together - best friends by birthright. except kathy's body betrayed her. she and greg spent years and thousands of dollars trying to conceive again. all while ian grew into a healthy and happy little boy - and they always treated him like a nephew...

finally last year - in what they called the last chance - in vitro fertilization worked for my friends. and worked twice as well. and today, i met those two little healthy kids who have no idea how blessed they are with the parents they have. parents who have stood by me through every little and big thing i've been through in the last eight years. parents who got me addicted to gardening through their own prowess and who showed me what love should be between two people. and parents who - along with my family and one other very important person - have taught me the value of conviction and love and real, REAL friendship...

ian knows kathy and greg as aunt kathy and uncle greg. i only hope that i can be considered uncle chris to tommy and ginny. i can't think of much right now that could make me more proud.

i love the miracle of childbirth. i love it even more when it happens to deserving people...

the runner in me...

i've not said much lately about the training - or, rather, the running as the case is. not because i haven't been pleased with my runs. and not because i haven't enjoyed my runs. i just can't talk about running all that much...

for a guy who had run all maybe 50 miles in the eleven years since i got out of college, it's been a good several months for me. i'll hit 40+ miles in april alone - and while i know that's not a lot for many runners out there, it's a big number for a person who never has cared for running. i've discovered that i can consistently run 8 minute miles outside (without the benefit of a treadmill to pace me), that i seem to have contained the knee problems - at least for the time being, and that i can run miles without getting horribly winded...

and the best part - once a week, i have a running partner. i'm a work-out-alone type of guy, typically. but i look forward to my weekly runs with greenfish. someone to talk to. someone to push and to push me. someone to share the happiness of finishing a run...

i'm getting used to this running thing. and it's getting used to me. now, if only i could coax myself back into the pool...

easter action...

today was my first official easter as head-bunny. ian woke up at 6:30 - later than i figured he would - and the first thing he said to me when i walked in his room was "easter bunny" with a big tooth-filled grin his face. we walked downstairs, where he discovered his easter basket complete with frog sunglasses, and then it was off to the easter egg hunt in the front yard...

it's a beautiful day here and, while i wish we could be with the rest of my family at my parents' house, we're having a great day...

the welcome signs of spring...

the rumors had been circling. a neighbor down the block first told me last weekend. and then k - of all people - told me yesterday that the neighbor across the courtyard had told her. and last night, in the twilight of a beautiful colorado spring evening, the rumors became real...

the neighbors are selling their house. that is - the neighbors are selling their house...

the neighbors are the family of four whose front door sits not more than 50 feet from mine. nice woman, a couple cute kids - including a little girl i figured would end up being ian's girlfriend one day. what i didn't figure was that her dad would be my wife's "boyfriend" for some time...

from the day i found out about the affair, the neighbor has been there like an ogre lurking in the shadows (actually, i think i've described him before as the elephant in the corner). during the colder winter months, it's pretty bearable - since folks in the neighborhood are rarely outside. but during the warm months and long days, the reminder of a life i once lived and lost spends a lot of time outside in what is effectively my front yard. and while i'm past the bulk of the pain associated with all that went down, the discomfort of having the proverbial thorn in my paw always within whispering distance has been unpleasant to say the least...

and then, yesterday, the sign went up. and in that instant the spring sun felt warmer, the colorado sky blu-er, the budding trees budding-ier...
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of course, the good news simply serves to offset the other news i got last week. because while one goes away another comes back...

k is moving back to the neighborhood. and that - combined with her parents also moving in - is likely fodder for many a post here. but none of that happens until summer. so for now, i'm going to enjoy the spring...

a glimmer through the dark...

that chris-is-busy post from a couple weeks ago? yeah - i had no idea back then what busy meant. good news is that light at the end of the tunnel is only two weeks away. bad news is that i've got about 2 months worth of work to do in that time. ouch...

on another note, the knee continues to bother me. it gave out on me 3.2 miles into a 4.5 mile run on sunday... barely made it home walking. i hope it gets better, because there's nothing more frustrating during a run than not being able to finish when your lungs feel fine...

speaking of the children...

the purity of the children

many of you know that my sister has been going through an extremely difficult custody battle with the father of her children. she's documented well the torment that he's levied on her life, his uncanny ability to manipulate not only her but seemingly anybody that might help him to get his way, and the difficulty of getting away from his inexplicable magnetism. she's fighting the fight of her life right now. i worry for her every day, i support her where i can. and i have to fight the urges of the protective older brother because i know saying what i'd like to say or doing what i'd like to do would cost so much more than it would gain. it's a battle i wouldn't wish on anyone, and i can't tell you how difficult it is watching my own sister go through it and feeling helpless to do anything about it...

at the same time, it makes me thankful for the relationship that i have with ian's mom. yes, she cheated on me. yes, she gave up on us even when i was fighting with all my might to save our marriage and a level of stability in ian's life. yes, she hurt me and drained my self-confidence for a while. but through it all, there's been an mutual and unspoken agreement that ian's happiness, ian's greoundedness, ian's comfort, and ian's emotional "purity" is the most important thing in either of our lives. and while we've had moments when the last thing we've wanted is to see one-another, we've never let those emotions creep into the light of ian's world. we don't use one-another against ian to gain some kind of sacred ground. i know k is a good and loving mom to ian and she knows i'm a good and loving dad. and we don't think we're anything special because of it - we're not walking around patting ourselves on the back for a parenting relationship that we know ian deserves...

i pray that one day carrie can free herself from the shadow cast by a man who cannot compute that his children are more important than his need to win. because life is so much better when you know that your kids come first - in everybody's eyes...

dónde están mis pantalones, por favor?

i decided to go shopping this afternoon. i'm feeling like i need some new pants, and i had a whole day to kill and even though i'm not particularly fond of shopping i decided to go shopping. mall shopping. multiple store shopping...

i came home a couple hours later completely disheartened.

see, i've been wearing the exact same size pant for years now - we're talking a good fifteen years. 29/30. that's 29 inch waist, 30 inch inseam. i'm not really a small guy - sure, i'm a little on the shorter side, but i'm not skinny. but apparently over the course of the last several years while i've stayed the same size, the average american male consumer has gotten larger. because i simply cannot find a 29 inch waist in a casual pant anymore...

how did this happen? isn't the fashion industry's emphasis on being thin? haven't women's clothes shrunk and shrunk over time? how is it, then, that i cannot find a pair of pants that fit? do you expect me, banana republic, to eat a bag of oreos every day to fit into your pantalones? would you like, j crew, for me to add a layer of fat to my middle in order to over-spend at your store?

it's ridiculous. i want pants. i need pants. society expects that i wear pants. yet the mall-store-fashion-society no longer seems to think i deserve pants. please, someone - anyone - make me a size 29. i'll pay for it, i promise i will. well, except for that seersucker crap or pleated pants. all you 30s can keep those...

v...

tomorrow, the company that i work for turns five years old...

that's not a big deal to most. after all, lots of small firms have made it to five years, only to fail down the road. hell, lots of big firms have made it five years only to fail down the road...

but i remember very well about 5 years and 2 months ago. my boss took me and another close compatriot to lunch. and on the way he broke loose the bomb - i'm leaving... i'm starting my own firm... i'm tired of the bullshit that i've been dealing with and i've got the support of my wife. and i'm done...

i remember that day so well because i felt abandoned in a way. but i soon realized that it was the best thing for him. he deserved better. he had earned what he would never be given. and i was happy for him...

then about a month after he left, he called me. wanted to go to lunch. and over the next month, we figured out how we could make it work. and by make it work, i mean - i could go work for him. along with one of my best friends. we were about to make a leap of faith - all of us - in a vision for a better job, and a better life...

on july 12, 2001, i went to work for a one-person firm that immediately became a three person firm. we spent the next couple months doing small work, not knowing where the next job would come from - but believing in who we were. we worked out of my boss's garage. for two months. oh my - that feels like a lifetime ago...

today, we're ten people. in 9 months, we're moving to our fourth office space. and we're doing work that is eons above where we came from or where we began. we have a vision. and while we're not perfect, we have incredible people and a great philosophy and a tremendous direction. and we honestly believe in doing great work...

so for our fifth anniversary, my gratitude goes out to my boss and to my co-workers and to my profession. because i love what i do. and i appreciate who i work for and who i work with. and i look forward to the next five years - with the very acute memory of where the last five have taken us...

congratulations, dennis. and thanks for inviting me all those years ago to be a part of it...

treadmill 5k...

good run today - i decided to run a 5k for time, and the knee didn't bother me for the first time in a few weeks. i needed a good workout today because i'm taking tomorrow off to ski with my youngest brother and my dad. really looking forward to getting on the mountain with them - it's probably been 10 years or more...

today's time:

mile 1 - 7:20
mile 2 - 7:02
mile 3 - 6:49
5k total - 21:51

sweet sweet sleep...

for the majority of ian's life, he's been a very good sleeper. his first four months were spent sleeping between mom and dad (for the ease of feeding), and the next couple months were consistently through-the-night and in-the-crib. during the three months we lived with k's sister, the sleep cycle was interrupted (because we were sharing a room). but once he had his own room in our new house he's been a very good sleeper. in fact, he's been my alarm clock - waking up between 6:30 and 7:00 with incredible consistency...

until recently, that is. when k moved out and got her own place, she decided not to invest in a crib and instead used the pack-n-play. but at some point in the last few months, ian discovered he could climb out of the pack-n-play and would stand at his door, crying to go to mommy's bed. in all the time he was doing this for mom, though, he hasn't once tried to climb out of his crib at my house. and until recently, he's continued to sleep consistently for me...

but in the last few weeks, he's been waking regularly in the middle of the night. he'll wake up and stand up in his crib with his favorite blanket in hand and call out for daddy. and because he knows i will come, he calls for me until i get there. he's a very persistent little boy...

every time it's the same thing. i walk in, and i ask him if he's okay. rarely are there tears - instead he answers with "i want daddy's bed." i try to reason, he refuses reason. so i cave and tell him he can come to daddy's bed if he'll just go to sleep. because if he's not sleeping, he's pushing me around with his feet. and that means neither of us is sleeping. and i enjoy my sleep...

about a week ago (after ian had, on progressive nights, gotten me up at 3:00 and then 2:00 and then 1:00), k and i joined forces and decided to go the bribery route. ian - if you sleep through the night in your bed we can go eat breakfast at the place with balloons. ian - if you stay in your bed until it's light outside we can go to a restaurant tomorrow night...

the good news is that it has worked. he's made it through the night all week, and he happens to be a cheap date. and he's very proud of himself in the morning when he does make it through (he told k last week "i just shut my eyes!" with a big smile on his face, and pulled open the blinds thursday morning to show me that he slept until the sun came out). i'm just hoping that sleeping in his own bed doesn't permanently equate to getting something in return. because i really don't want to have to promise a 15-year old ian an x-box or something if he'll only sleep in his own bed...

pre-tri try...

in an effort to spur myself to more focused workouts, i just signed up for the 5430 sprint triathlon at boulder reservoir on june 18. i've spent many many hours on the water and running around "the res" (as we called it) in my rowing days, but i think this will be just a little different...

time to accellerate the training...

overwhelming expectations...

i don't get easily overwhelmed with work often, and i'm not now - but i feel like i could fall apart at any moment...

i really enjoy my job. i get to create and design and defend on a daily basis. i get to work on interesting projects with a range of clients with a range of expectations. but no matter the project - no matter how high or low profile it may be - i hold myself to very high expectations...

in the past, it has been relatively easy to maintain those expectations, as i've typically worked alone on projects. you see, i'm the only planner/urban designer in an office of landscape architects. and for most of the past five years, i've generally had a workload that has allowed me to manage the projects and do the production work and get it all done in the structure of a 40 hour week. but in the past 9 months or so, i've been taking on more and more projects of varying levels of design. and i've gotten past the point that i can do it all by myself anymore...

the problem with having high expectations is that not everyone has the ability or the capacity or the patience to meet those expectations. and while working by myself for years was good for my sanity, it left me with a deficiency in the ability to explain to others the breadth of my expectations. details should be considered from day one, anything we put on paper should be inherently build-able, what we do should both educate and be responsive to context, the client should understand that we understand the big picture every step of the way...

i think i've always just believed that everyone thinks this way. but i've discovered in the past several months that it's not universal. i like the people i work with. i think we have a sense of design in this office that surpasses most other firms. but we're not all equally picky. and we're not all willing or able to put the thought or the detail into a design that i strive to do every day. and learning how to deal with that, learning to maintain expectations while teaching those expectations... this is the process that i'm living with these days.

that process can be overwhelming. i have a wonderful working relationship with one person in the office - we see eye-to-eye in terms of details and quality, and learn from one-another when we have the opportunity to work together. but today i'm working with three other people in the office on three different projects who i haven't worked closely with before. three people with varying levels of ability and experience. and because i'm not the best teacher, this can be overwhelming. and because i'm picky, i worry that i'll overwhelm them...

i joke sometimes that i'm an anal bastard, especially when i have to explain that something wasn't up to snuff. what i hope for is that those high expectations will rub off on others. what i fear is that people will see me as just that - an anal bastard...

nothing to do with christmas...

since crista asked, here's the design. perhaps not the most masculine tattoo of all time, but it's got meaning and i did say i like botanical illustration. and no red, christmas-y ribbon to add the cheese factor. it'll be pretty well hidden, too, as it will go on one of my shoulders - and i'm not the type who takes his shirt off in public often...

in any event, i'll bet it's the first mistletoe the tattoo artist has done. at least i'm original - in a borrowed-artwork kind of way...

knee glitches...

this weekend's runs didn't go exactly as planned. i began the run on saturday (on the treadmill - i should have been outside, but i had ian and don't have an operable jogging stroller currently) by plugging 40 minutes into the treadmill computer. i intended to run a consistent 7:24 pace, and was going along just fine until i hit 2.9 miles. at which point my knee decided it didn't want to go any further...

i don't know running injuries or human anatomy particularly well. all i know is the inside of my right knee sent shooting pains to my brain. and i really hope the pain goes away, because i'm actually beginning to enjoy running. and i just picked up a garmin on friday - which would be completely useless if i couldn't run.

so i made my knee hold up to finish the 5k (22:52) and figure i should ride the bike or get in the pool this week and give the knee a rest. i did make it out for a short hike yesterday with no pain - it's starting to look like spring here. i really need to get a good tune on the bike and get the garmin figured out and trade the cardio equipment for the azure colorado sky...

________________

and on a different note, i think i settled on a design for the tattoo and, perhaps, a studio. now it's up to deciding if i really want to do it. we'll see...

hazel and mistletoe...

i'm going to have to preface this post by saying that i've never put any weight into the zodiac or horiscopes or any of that kind of stuff. and i'm not going to start now...

but.

ian and i are home today. ian's got a little fever and a runny nose and a bit of a cough, and i thought i'd be the responsible parent and save the other children from his fate. at least for one day. and while he's been sleeping, i've taken the opportunity to do some investigation into that new tattoo that i'm thinking of getting. looking into celtic symbology. doing a little research. and i've found something intriguing...

as it turns out, the ancient celtic version of our zodiac is based on a thirteen month tree "zodiac." now, that's enough in itself to picque my interest - because i happen to like trees. and i happen to really like botanical illustrations of trees. there's something about the depth of branching - a dynamism to a tree - that i really love...

in keeping with the thought that the tattoo may relate to ian, i discovered that his "birth" tree is a hazel. so i'll be looking into botanical illustrations of hazel trees. to see if i can find something i like...

at the same time, i've discovered something even more interesting and directly applicable to me. because the tree calendar covers all but one day of the year. it starts on december 24 with a birch and ends on december 22 with an elder. and then there's december 23. the "nameless day" in the celtic tree calendar. a day governed by no tree - representing instead the unshaped potential of all things, and represented by mistletoe. a day that happens to also be my birthday. the traits that describe "nameless day" people include devotion, persistence, responsibility, graciousness, and practical leadership - which the people closest to me would probably say describe me. and while i don't "believe" in astrology, i've discovered something today in which i can find meaning...

so, while i search for illustrations of hazel, i'll look also for those of mistletoe. because both have a new meaning for me, and a meaning that i think i can justify tattooing on my shoulder..

olympic heroes...

okay. something's been bothering me for the last couple weeks, and i've got to get it off my mind...

as we're all painfully aware, the olympics have been going on. no - really. the olympics! a time for world-class athletes to get together for a once-in-four-years test of skill. the grandest stage in the world. win and you're famous - at least where you live. lose and - well, lose? if you're an olympian, can you really lose?

see, my issue is this: the media have gone to great lengths in the past two weeks to tell us just how disappointing the american olympians have been. bode didn't do this, apolo didn't do that. lindsey jacobellis is a show-boater, sasha cohen fell. and that hockey team - shameful! these olympians, they done let our country down...

come on! shouldn't we be celebrating the spirit of the olympics and celebrating the effort and the sacrifice that it takes to make it to the event? it's not like these are professional athletes who's salaries we're paying for in ticket sales and who's venues we're paying for with stadium taxes. these are amateurs working their tails off for a once-in-four-years shot at gold. or silver. or even just a finish...

not only that, but this is a once-in-four-years thing. we all have our good days and our bad days, and we all know that the bad ones sometimes happen at inopportune times. world cup events are a better gauge of athletic superiority than a single event at an olympic games. sure, the olympics are the glamour "meet." but having a bad day at the olympics does not make you a disappointment. hell, i'd give about anything to have a bad day at the olympics - because i'd have made it to the freakin' olympics!

so i'm glad the games are over today. because the athletes can get back to their world cups and their day-to-day training and lose the pressure that our media heap on them to have their perfect day based on the four-year calendar. and i'll read in the back pages of the sports section about darren rahlves' quest for the world cup title or shani davis' attempt at a new world record. and i'll smile knowing that - for the next four years - we won't be so quick to label these amazing athletes disappointing...

not to mention, by the way, that the americans scored their second-most medals ever at a winter games. way to go, team...

____________

this weekend's runs:

saturday -
38 minutes at a consistent 7:30 pace
5.07 miles

sunday's treadmill 5k -
mile 1: 7:26
mile 2: 7:05
mile 3: 6:57
total time: 22:06

running recap...

sunday's treadmill 5k:

mile 1 - 7:40
mile 2 - 7:19
mile 3 - 7:05
5k total - 22:41

and last night's 35 minute run:

mile 1 - 7:41
mile 2 - 7:30
mile 3 - 7:25
mile 4 - 7:20
overall - 4.69 miles

now, if only it would warm up enough to convince my candy-ass to run outside...

this post courtesy of a "miami ink" marathon...

so i'm thinking of getting a new tattoo...

a brief introduction: i got my first tattoo when i was 23. i'd thought of getting a tattoo for several years, and had leaned a while toward crossed oars (from my rowing days in college). only, once i was done with college i wasn't rowing anymore, and a crossed-oars tattoo seemed the equivalent of a 23-year old getting his greek letters nostalgically etched on his biceps. which sounds pretty lame to me...

so once i really got serious about really getting a real tattoo, i did some research into celtic knots. because my heritage is scottish, and i wanted something meaningful - and something different. in the end, i found a pattern from an ancient textile that i drew into a band. and while it doesn't actually "mean" anything, it means something to me...

and so i got a tattoo. located the band above my right biceps - in just the perfect position that it can be hidden if i don't want it to be seen. which is exactly what i did for 9 years...

yep. i hid my tattoo for nine years. not to the entire world, mind you. but i did keep it hidden from my parents. because i was scared to death of how they would react, what they would say, how disappointed they might be in me. i had countless nightmares about their discovery of the tattoo, i wore long sleeves around them alot. i was an adult afraid of his parents...

and then one night, the night of my brother's bachelor party, my dad and i were sharing a bottle of fine whiskey. and in a bit of a drunken stupor, i just told him. let it fly. dad, i've got a tattoo. and his reaction - almost none. no anger, no disappointment. he took it right in stride...

so i'm thinking about getting another. probably right above the first. and i'll mull this decision over until i settle on an idea or a design that just makes me do it. i'd like to do something for ian - without being overtly about ian. something that always reminds me of the little life for which i am responsible and a love that is irrepressible and inate...

right now, i have no real ideas. maybe something celtic again. not his name - that'd be overt. i'm open for suggestions. and once i find something that feels right, i'll probably head down to colfax and sit in the tattoo chair and take on the pain for a life-long "blemish." and this time i won't be so afraid of anyone finding out...

although it will be even easier to hide.

an admission...

in what may be seen as a critical break from the code of male-ness and a possible revocation of my man-card, i have to admit that it sucks to know that you're not getting a damn thing for valentine's day. ho hum...

a sunday 5k...

today was another running day. i decided on a shorter, quicker run - and went with a 5k. felt good, felt fast for me, wasn't completely spent at the end. the stats (and i only put these here to keep track, because i'll forget to write it down elsewhere):

mile 1 - 7:48
mile 2 - 7:27
mile 3 - 7:13

5k total - 23:11

small talk with strangers...

one of the more strange things that i have to deal with in life is that i live practically next door to the person who partnered with k to escalate the demise of my marriage...

the cheating was one thing. the fact that he has a wife and kids - and wife and kids who i really like - is another. and the reality that his world is still "together" while i search for a new reality works like a steadily dripping faucet. you can try to pretend it's not there - but it reminds you in your darkest hours...

i took ian to a neighborhood restaurant last night - one that we go to regularly because they have a family dining room complete with a play area for the kids. ian will not sit still in a restaurant, so this place is good for my sanity. but last night, the neighbors were there...

somehow, we've rarely seen eachother over the past 6 months or so. maybe it's the weather. maybe, despite the community planners' attempt at encouraging neighborly interaction, we choose not to be seen. but there he was, with his family, acting very - well - family. and there was no opportunity to ignore the elephant in the corner...

i often wonder how his wife is doing. he's been a cheater, apparently, for a long time. she deserves better, their kids deserve better. i wonder how she does it, wondering every day if there is someone else, and putting on a show for the neighbors and friends that all is good. as difficult as it's been for me to let go, i suspect she's got it much worse...

so last night we exchanged small talk. hello, haven't seen you in a while, what'd you have for dinner. and that makes me perhaps most disappointed of all. because once we were friends who saw eachother all the time, drank beers on the front porch, watched the kids play together in the courtyard. and now we're strangers making small talk, pretending in our own little way that the resentment and the anger and the disappoinment don't linger over our lives every day...

running update...

tonite's run: 4 miles.

mile 1 - 7:59
mile 2 - 7:47
mile 3 - 7:41
mile 4 - 7:35

overall - 32 minutes, 4.15 miles. i'm starting to feel like a runner...

born not to run...

one of my least favorite physical activities is running. not good when you're trying to do a triathlon. so i'm out to change my own perception...

i've never been one who enjoyed running. not when i ran middle-distances in track in high school. (and oh-so-slowly, i might add. i remember breaking 8 minutes in the mile in my last track meet and thinking that was pretty good. oh-so-slow.) not when i ran cross country for one season. (not only was it horrible for my knees at the time - or was that in my imagination? - but i took my 10-year old brother on a training run one time and he out-ran me. oh-so-slow.) not when i led the crew team in pre-season training runs up the trials outside boulder. never, ever enjoyed it...

since my rowing career and it's training regimen ended in 1995, i've probably run fewer than 25 times. there was the summer of '99, when k and i would run the 2.5 mile loop around the park a couple days a week. two or three 25 minute runs through the neighborhood last year. a couple 5ks thrown in for good measure. and that's it. see, i don't like to run...

then my sister asked me a couple months ago to do a triathlon with her in august. and because i figured i need a goal in sight if i'm going to maintain some regularity at the gym, i said yes. but a triathlon means running is involved. and that means i need to get over my distaste for running...

i finally managed to drag my hesitant feet to the treadmill a few weeks ago... and only because all of the bikes were occupied. somehow i managed to run a 5k. and at a reasonable pace. and it didn't feel so horrible...

i've been on the treadmill several times since, with varying results. there was the 30 minute run that became a 15 minute run because i just wasn't feeling it. and then there was last night's run. i felt good and strong from the first step to the last. i ran at an 8:00 pace for the first 15 minutes and 7:44 for the last 15 minutes. overall 3.8 miles in 30 minutes. and it felt pretty good...

i might be able to get used to this running thing. i think i need to get outside, but i'm going to wait until it's comfortably warm-enough (don't think for a second that i'm going to make myself run in the cold - two things i don't like would not lend to a happy chris). and once the triathlon is over maybe i'll turn my attention to running-only events. maybe i'll turn to trail running, because the scenery is so much more inspiring...

and maybe - just maybe - the guy who hated running can redefine himself...

the big three-oh...

happy 30th birthday to both my sister who reads this site and her twin sister who doesn't read this site. i hope you have a great day girls, and i'm sorry i missed the party this weekend. damn ski traffic!

parenting 101...

i know i owe a story about my son and his behavior. but i don't have the energy to put together the clever story that i had in mind about the little boy nearing two and a half years old who is learning to test his boundaries. about a dozen two year olds spending the day together teaching one-another how to kick and to spit and to tackle and to generally not listen to authority. about a teacher who seems under-equipped to handle this two-year old self-teaching and about a mother (and ex-wife) who wants to blame everyone else for her son's new-found aggression rather than accept that our precious little boy could be anything but perfect. and about a dad who is trying to maintain realistic expectations about how children grow and learn, how they need both discipline and patience from their parents, and how to take responsibility for his son's behavior without having wildly high expectations of a two-year old trying to discover his personality. so, instead i'll just give you the quick version:

- ian has displayed some aggressiveness at school lately, including "tackling" and kicking and general boyishness.
- ian's mom can't believe that ian could either a) be aggressive or b) be the only aggressor in the class so she c) freaks out about the aggression and d) blames the teacher and the other children for it.
- i try to maintain a level head, knowing that little boys will be little boys while trying to instill in ian some lessons about proper behavior. like the it's-never-okay-to-kick-a-little-girl-in-the-head lesson. and the spitting-is-only-for-toothpaste-and-only-in-the-sink lesson.

i'm not going to let myself be one of those parents who blames others for his child's indiscretions. i'm also not going to over-react to bouts of uncharacteristic behavior from my son. i just hope his mom and his teacher and the parents of the other students have my back on this one. because i fear i could become the only one with realistic expectations.

up until now, it's been relatively easy raising a well-mannered child in a sheltered environment. but now he's learning to test his boundaries among others who are doing the same, and i have to begin relying on others to do their own little part. and that loss of control is a little discomforting. now is when i learn what kind of parent i'm going to be...

i'm not worried about others disappointing me. i worry about disappointing myself...

oy...

work has been great this week. everything is in design. conceptual design. and that is the best part of my job.

work has also been hectic this week at the office. which has led to little time to do anything else. like update this site...

so in short (and i'll elaborate later) i'll let you know what hit me between the eyes today: aggressive two-year old. daddy has some 'splainin and some disciplinin' to do...

i'll be back. i promise...

100 things...

1. hi. i'm chris.
2. although my real name is christopher.
3. as a kid, it embarassed me when a teacher would call me christopher on the first day of school.
4. i am technically an only child.
5. although i have six younger brothers and sisters.
6. my parents divorced when i was a year old and both remarried.
7. i've lived in colorado my entire life.
8. the only exception being a 2-month stint at age 15 on my grandparents' farm in north dakota.
9. i went to college in-state, too.
10. i've always regretted not taking the opportunity to spread my wings and leave the state for school.
11. i am told that i taught myself to read at age 3.
12. and a month into kindergarten i was advanced to the first grade.
13. i was enrolled in a lutheran school.
14. the only class i've failed in my life was sunday school at the lutheran school.
15. because i wasn't lutheran and didn't attend sunday school.
16. i went to the lutheran school because i was a short kid and my mom was afraid i'd get picked on at the urban public elementary school.
17. my first kiss happened inside a tractor tire on the playground at recess in first grade.
18. her name was paula, and she was apparently attracted to the cast on my right leg.
19. because once the cast came off, paula dumped me for the next kid with a cast.
20. i took the fifth grade twice.
21. the first time, i was an underachieving trouble-maker.
22. the second time i was in a different school clear across the state.
23. and a model student.
24. i got my first pair of glasses when i was 10.
25. i cried when i had to wear them to school the first day, because i thought i looked like a dork.
26. and i did. the supreme dork.
27. i would later choose a frame in high school that made me look far worse.
28. when i was in 6th grade i correctly spelled "antidisestablishmentarianism" to win an in-class spelling bee.
29. but the teacher let me cheat and use the chalkboard.
30. i first acted in a play/musical as a 6th grader.
31. i was tiny tim. no, my voice hadn't changed yet.
32. in high school, i was very involved in drama.
33. and a vocal group.
34. and academics.
35. and not in alcohol. didn't touch a drop.
36. in college, i discovered alcohol.
37. and forget about drama, vocals, and academics.
38. i joined the crew team my third year of college with no rowing experience.
39. it was the most rewarding part of my college experience.
40. and gave my far more confidence than the academic part of college did.
41. i majored in civil engineering.
42. except a couple years into school, i no longer wanted to be a civil engineer.
43. yet i stuck it out because i didn't think it was worth it to change majors.
44. after working a couple years in the construction industry, i decided to go back to school for a masters degree.
45. in urban and regional planning.
46. best. decision. ever. (well, professionally)
47. it's amazing how well you can do in college when you're interested in the subject matter and apply yourself.
48. and while the program wasn't particularly challenging, it led me to a very satisfying career.
49. i met the woman i would later marry at a halloween party hosted by one of my grad school classmates.
50. we dated for a year and were engaged for another year before we were married.
51. and we were married for less than two years before she had her first affair.
52. i didn't find out for another two years.
53. when she had her second affair.
54. with our neighbor.
55. i was willing to give the relationship every chance, but she got bored with it.
56. we separated on mother's day, 2005 - her decision.
57. our divorce was finallized on december 1 2005.
58. i don't have any regrets about our eight years together, because without it we wouldn't have our son.
59. and my son is my greatest source of pride and joy.
60. i've wanted to be a father for as long as i can remember.
61. and it's better than i ever imagined.
62. i both cannot wait and dread the thought of him getting older.
63. i'd love to have another child, but i'm not sure i'll have the opportunity.
64. changing subjects now.
65. when i was in high school i was a raging junior republican.
66. then i went to college and gradually learned to think for myself.
67. today i don't claim a party - because i absolutely detest partisan politics.
68. but i certainly lean more to the left.
69. which i think drives my parents crazy.
70. well, my dad anyway.
71. i've had more jobs in my life than i can even remember.
72. it started at my father's drug store, operating the cash register at 10 years old.
73. and went on to include flipping burgers, grinding engine blocks, and driving a forklift.
74. today i am an urban designer.
75. and almost nobody understands what that means.
76. i love my job.
77. because it affords me a lot of freedom to do good and satisfying work.
78. and i'm not afraid to admit that i'm good at what i do.
79. although being a father is the most difficult and most rewarding "job" i've ever had.
80. i have a tattoo.
81. i got it when i was 23 - a celtic knot-inspired band around my bicep.
82. i didn't tell my parents about it until i was 32.
83. and i had countless bad dreams in those nine intervening years about my parents discovering it.
84. yes - i am still afraid of disappointing my parents.
85. in recent months, i've thought about getting another tattoo.
86. as part of the healing process of the divorce and starting over.
87. and, no, i'm not sure how tattoos and healing equate, either.
88. the best place i've ever visited is italy.
89. although i'm confident that if i made it to scotland it would probably equate to italy.
90. i'd rather vacation in a place with history and culture and something to learn than on a beach.
91. because beaches are boring.
92. i do the new york times crossword every sunday.
93. please note - i didn't say i finish it every sunday.
94. come on, only six more.
95. i once ate a jalapeno whole at the age of 12 for a free watermelon.
96. i also once sneaked into an avalanche playoff hockey game - at 25.
97. okay, will this never end?
98. i was once the only witness for the prosecution in a domestic violence case.
99. the jury didn't believe me, but i know what i saw and i know that he hit her.
100. and i'm spent.

right between the eyes...

very little good comes out of a divorce. hurt feelings, child raising questions, property division - not lots of comfort in the whole event. but when my marriage ended, there was one unquestionable positive from my perspective - distance, both physically and emotionally, from her parents...

i should say that my ex's parents aren't bad people. as a matter of fact, i'm sure they're inherently good people. but, my goodness - if there were ever two people built less suited to my personality, well, those people are my former in-laws...

from day one, i could tell that life would be difficult with k's dad. unlike my father - who is quiet and deliberate and, well, fatherly - my former father-in-law has the emotional capacity of a 4 year old. no matter the topic of conversation, he's always got to be the focus. he not only wears his emotions on his sleeve, but leaves them dripping down the sidewalk in big pay-attention-to-me puddles. i'm considering petitioning webster's to include his photograph next to the term "ego-centric" in future dictionary editions. i have never, ever had a comfortable moment with this man...

the only saving grace is that they live across the country. so, save for three or four week-long bouts of full immersion a year, i could go along with life comfortably. and then we got divorced and - hey - i didn't have to participate in any of those uncomfortable moments. amidst all the weight piled on by divorce, one weight was removed. ahh...

--------------

for a year or so, the ex in-laws have been talking about moving to colorado to be closer to their kids and grandkids. and while it's not the ideal situation for me, i understand their reasons. after k and i separated, the moving talk began ramping up and they've been here several times to check out different housing markets. and, in fact, they've been out this week with the intent of signing a contract...

--------------

so at the gym last night i sat down on the bike next to k. as she was finishing up her ride, she asked if i'd like to come to her house afterward for a beer. apparently, there was something to talk about. i politely declined, and told her that she could tell me right there. not expecting a bomb...

imagine the scene in the movie where the bullet is coming in slow-motion at the unsuspecting victim. i mean, the victim knows a bullet is coming, but he expects that it's aimed at the brow of someone else and, inexplicably, it misses and nails him square between the eyes...

my parents signed a contract today, says k with a slight grin on her face. where, i ask. no answer, just more uncomfortable grin. not stapleton (my neighborhood), i say. yes, stapleton. we're talking a stone's throw from my house. we're talking same grocery store and same coffee shop and same parks. we're talking drop-in-with-no-warning close...

we're talking bullet, right between the eyes...

resolute

around the time the new year came (a great big two weeks ago), i decided to find some resolve. i won't say i made resolutions because - well - that's a trigger word. a trigger for you-won't-possibly-do-that. so let's just say i searched for some resolve. except i didn't write them down. my resolve existed only in my head. i'm told that's not the best place to house resolve, though. for resolve sometimes requires the help of those around you...

so today, i resolve to make my resolve public (at least to the two other people who read this). i feels lame. but lame can be good. right? here goes...

today (well, 17 days ago, but today's easier to type) i resolve to go to starbucks (or any coffee/caffeine establishment) no more than three times a week. trust me, this is not as easy as it may sound...

today i resolve to eat out for dinner no more than once a week, and to eat out for lunch no more than twice a week. again, harder than you might imagine...

today i resolve to work out four days a week. maybe five. but not less than four...

today i resolve to at least consider a diet low in cholesterol. for i have high cholesterol. and, well, i want to be around for my little guy...

today i resolve to accept me for who i am. which is a pretty good guy. but not an everyman. i have to be okay with that. i really do...

today i resolve to brush ian's teeth before bed rather than in the morning. and, i guess, to convince him that water is the nectar of the gods as opposed to juice. oh. this is going to be a hard one...

today i resolve to make this a therapeutic place for me. to maintain this site as an outlet for my thoughts, for my hopes, and for my fear...

------------

okay. let's see how this goes...

training to train...

thankfully, the triathlon is seven months plus a couple weeks away. because i'm not the best trainer...

i happen to be one of those people who can get in shape pretty quick. that can be a good and a bad thing. the good thing is that after a couple weeks of being at the gym, i manage to find my stride. the bad thing is that i tend to have to use those two weeks every couple months because i've found excuses to not work out for too long...

i've been great about getting to the gym the last couple weeks. (i fully admit that i'm not committed enough yet to actually do something outside in the winter.) the thing is, i've been great about getting on the bike. but i've only been in the pool once, and not at all on the treadmill. and that's my personality. full immersion in one activity at the complete expense of others...

except i'm doing a triathlon. which requires three different disciplines. which is two more than one...

my answer has to be a schedule. a day-by-day and week-by-week what-to-do. because without one, i'm going to be great on the bike or great in the water or great on my feet but not even good on more than one come august...

i just hope my training partners both in town and a mountain range away keep me focussed. because i don't want to have to regain my stride every couple months...

tag, i'm it...

Because I don't have anything better to write about, I'll tag myself (courtesy of the sister) and then i'll tag greenfish when she's ready:

4 jobs (only about a quarter of the grand total):
urban designer
late-nite am radio disc jockey
drug store pill bottle stocker
lifeguard

4 movies I could watch over and over:
the princess bride
in the name of the father
tommy boy
any of the indiana jones movies

4 places I’ve lived (pretty colorado-centric):
denver, co
boulder, co
lamar, co
glenwood springs, co

4 tv shows I love:
csi
grey's anatomy
24
laguna beach (i can hear the giggles raining down on me)

4 places I’ve been on vacation:
italy
hawaii
williamsburg, virginia
waco, texas (no compounds involved)

4 favorite foods:
chicken piccata
sushi
a nice, juicy steak
too much garlic in amything

4 places I’d rather be:
the western italian seaboard
any urban park, nyc
the tuscan countryside
virginia in the fall

4 cds I can’t live without:
coldplay, x&y
u2, the unforgettable fire
indigo girls, rites of passage
any of three 2005 mixed cds

4 cars I’ve owned:
1976 chevy luv
1999 volkswagen jetta
1996 toyota tacoma
2005 volvo s40