tri two (in more ways than one)...

okay. so i'm a competetive mother. especially when it comes to myself. i just deleted a crap race report - because i laid in bed thinking that it wasn't me. i was once (and still am) a decent writer, a decent story-teller. but i've gotten away from what makes me so - and that's the heart of the story...

i've had a painful year and a half. 18 months ago, i was a mess. my wife (at the time) had cheated on me, and i was living with the wounds. i worked my ass of to make it better for us - and she did no work in return. we split up, my spirit broken. father to a 20-month old son, i was a mess...

over time, i worked myself up the ladder of self-preservation. and i had a friend who i leaned on for support and for spirit. she had begun swimming, and our conversations about it convinced me to sign up for a health club membership. and in august of last year, i started swimming again for the first time in 17 years...

in december, carrie asked if i'd like to do a triathlon. i'd talked about it a bit with greenfish, but never really believed i had it in me. but in pre-christmas spirit i thought - why not... and this weekend we did the tri that we talked about so long ago...

the race went well, having my family and my son there with me meant more than finishing ever could. but the entirety of the last 18 months has meant the most to me...

when i discovered i wasn't good enough for k, i knew i was in trouble. because i hadn't had much of a reason to believe in myself in the last several years. in the end, i worked hard to save my marriage, only to discover that it wasn't worth saving in her eyes. and that was a tough blow for a guy who defined himself by his family...

yet over the last 16 months, i've allowed myself the opportunity to regain some sense of purpose. i've always lived for my son, but i've learned that part of that is living for my son - keeping my heart healthy and my mind engaged. i've learned to push my body and to strive for a physical goal - rather than letting age and genetics get the best of me. i've fought my own devices and become a runner and a swimmer and a biker, all while hanging on to the person i most want to be... a good father. and i've come through it all with a better relationship with my sister and an incredible friendship that i'd never thought possible last spring. i've come out of this a better man, and thank god for that..

so the race report... i did well. i am proud of myself. seven months ago, i couldn't run a mile, and yesterday i followed a 3/4 mile swim and 20 mile ride with a four mile run. i improved on my first tri. i raced with my sister. and my son and my father, both smiling and cheering, shared a high-five with me seconds before i crossed the finish line. and today i feel a strength and a self-worth that i haven't felt for most, if not all, of my adult life. please excuse me while i feel good...

three years old...

i probably need to post about a number of things. a celebrity blogger tri event this past weekend with stronger and bolder. a third-birthday party for my little boy. an upcoming triathlon in steamboat. but i'm too tired to think about writing. so how 'bout a photo of the little man post-birthday to tide you over until race-report monday? okay... you win.

pride...

seriously. the steamboat triathlon is 10 days away. seriously...

the first (and last) tri i completed was fathers' day. this-year-fathers-day. i was proud. i had a cheering section, thanks to a wonderful sister and her two beautiful kids. it was my first real foray into athletic accomplishment since college. and i felt good. felt good even though i couldn't manage to run the entire 5k. felt good even though the swim was so much less than i thought i had in me. i finished, and i felt good...

this time, not so accommodating. i want to swim the swim. i want to run the entire run. (the bike - eh - i'll get that done, but with ian home four nights a week and my insane work schedule... who has time to ride?) this time, i want to make myself proud. feeling good is not really good enough. proud is where i want to be...

the question is - what makes proud? i don't have a race plan like carrie (and, for the record, i really don't care if she beats me - because if she does it means that she's done pretty damn well). i've never been the guy who lives by his athletic ability... i depend on my determination. when i was in crew in college, i was immediately pegged as the coxswain. so not only did i become the conference's best coxswain, i was also the bow seat in the second varsity boat - the seat whose technique dictates the balance of the shell. for my entire athletic life, what i've lacked in size and brawn i've made up for in technique and style...

so what makes me proud? style. technique. determination. i have no presumptions of ever being a top 10-percent finisher. i don't have time. frankly, i don't have motivation. but i am motivated to see improvement from my own body... a body of which i have asked little of in ten years that i am suddenly putting through the rigor of training. i am motivated to complete a 1200 meter swim in open water. i am motivated to transition from bike to run and push my body to complete a 4-mile run - following the 20-mile ride and 3/4 mile swim - that i couldn't contemplate 7 months ago. and i am motivated to finish this triathlon with the motivation to continue the training that i've been doing, to maintain a healthy heart and a confident mind. motivated to dedicate myself to a long life of living. for my son, for my family, and for myself...

what makes me proud? happily, i can say - no matter where i finish in steamboat - what gives me pride is me.

inked...

because greenfish is going to shoot me if i don't post one of the photos that she so generously took - here's the new ink addition. the character of the artwork turned out at least as good as i had hoped - and i'm very pleased with it.

carrie, i don't think i need to stress that this is confidential in an internet-confidential kind of way. i'm still afraid of letting down my parents. this was a personal healing decision for me, though, and one i'm happy that i made. it holds a lot of meaning for me, and meaning is something i've been searching for a lot lately...

mistletoe looks good...

when the artist is amazing. story and pictures to come later...

i'm typing this post with ice on my knees...

this morning, i wasn't even really all that sure i was going to run today. i packed my gym bag just in case - and i was pretty confident i'd do something. but i had no idea what. and absolutely no intention of doing what i did...

the longest i've ever run was a few weeks ago when i decided to do 10 miles fairly out of the blue. the run wasn't easy, but i made it through. and based on a level of confidence akin to that of a 20-year old college kid with enough liquor in him to kill a horse, i signed up for a half-marathon a couple days later. and since i started running in february, my average run distance has gone up (from about 5k per for the first few months, to 4.5 miles per in may and june, to about 10k in july). but i hadn't reached (or tried to reach) double digits again...

until tonite.

i set off with the intention to run to a point and back. i knew the 10 mile turnaround from having done it before, and there's a major intersection down the path a bit that i was running to. i figured it was another half-mile or so, so 11 miles was about the goal when i began. but as i ran, i kept convincing myself that 11 miles wasn't enough... 12 sounded so much better. so i was running for 12. and, of course, once i thought about that a little more i figured - what's another half-mile or so to the turn? i can totally do 13-point-1. so that's what i did...

now - granted - i did have to stop once to stretch at about mile 10. and i walked another minute and a half at mile 11.5. but i made it. half-marathon distance, a full seven weeks before the boulder backroads race. my knees are stiff as hell, i'm a little disappointed that i had to walk a bit of it. but six months ago i wasn't running, period. and today i ran way too far for my own good. well, for my knees' good. because my mind feels a wonderful sense of accomplishment...

overall: 13.1 miles, 1:53.42