pride...

seriously. the steamboat triathlon is 10 days away. seriously...

the first (and last) tri i completed was fathers' day. this-year-fathers-day. i was proud. i had a cheering section, thanks to a wonderful sister and her two beautiful kids. it was my first real foray into athletic accomplishment since college. and i felt good. felt good even though i couldn't manage to run the entire 5k. felt good even though the swim was so much less than i thought i had in me. i finished, and i felt good...

this time, not so accommodating. i want to swim the swim. i want to run the entire run. (the bike - eh - i'll get that done, but with ian home four nights a week and my insane work schedule... who has time to ride?) this time, i want to make myself proud. feeling good is not really good enough. proud is where i want to be...

the question is - what makes proud? i don't have a race plan like carrie (and, for the record, i really don't care if she beats me - because if she does it means that she's done pretty damn well). i've never been the guy who lives by his athletic ability... i depend on my determination. when i was in crew in college, i was immediately pegged as the coxswain. so not only did i become the conference's best coxswain, i was also the bow seat in the second varsity boat - the seat whose technique dictates the balance of the shell. for my entire athletic life, what i've lacked in size and brawn i've made up for in technique and style...

so what makes me proud? style. technique. determination. i have no presumptions of ever being a top 10-percent finisher. i don't have time. frankly, i don't have motivation. but i am motivated to see improvement from my own body... a body of which i have asked little of in ten years that i am suddenly putting through the rigor of training. i am motivated to complete a 1200 meter swim in open water. i am motivated to transition from bike to run and push my body to complete a 4-mile run - following the 20-mile ride and 3/4 mile swim - that i couldn't contemplate 7 months ago. and i am motivated to finish this triathlon with the motivation to continue the training that i've been doing, to maintain a healthy heart and a confident mind. motivated to dedicate myself to a long life of living. for my son, for my family, and for myself...

what makes me proud? happily, i can say - no matter where i finish in steamboat - what gives me pride is me.