speaking of the children...

the purity of the children

many of you know that my sister has been going through an extremely difficult custody battle with the father of her children. she's documented well the torment that he's levied on her life, his uncanny ability to manipulate not only her but seemingly anybody that might help him to get his way, and the difficulty of getting away from his inexplicable magnetism. she's fighting the fight of her life right now. i worry for her every day, i support her where i can. and i have to fight the urges of the protective older brother because i know saying what i'd like to say or doing what i'd like to do would cost so much more than it would gain. it's a battle i wouldn't wish on anyone, and i can't tell you how difficult it is watching my own sister go through it and feeling helpless to do anything about it...

at the same time, it makes me thankful for the relationship that i have with ian's mom. yes, she cheated on me. yes, she gave up on us even when i was fighting with all my might to save our marriage and a level of stability in ian's life. yes, she hurt me and drained my self-confidence for a while. but through it all, there's been an mutual and unspoken agreement that ian's happiness, ian's greoundedness, ian's comfort, and ian's emotional "purity" is the most important thing in either of our lives. and while we've had moments when the last thing we've wanted is to see one-another, we've never let those emotions creep into the light of ian's world. we don't use one-another against ian to gain some kind of sacred ground. i know k is a good and loving mom to ian and she knows i'm a good and loving dad. and we don't think we're anything special because of it - we're not walking around patting ourselves on the back for a parenting relationship that we know ian deserves...

i pray that one day carrie can free herself from the shadow cast by a man who cannot compute that his children are more important than his need to win. because life is so much better when you know that your kids come first - in everybody's eyes...

dónde están mis pantalones, por favor?

i decided to go shopping this afternoon. i'm feeling like i need some new pants, and i had a whole day to kill and even though i'm not particularly fond of shopping i decided to go shopping. mall shopping. multiple store shopping...

i came home a couple hours later completely disheartened.

see, i've been wearing the exact same size pant for years now - we're talking a good fifteen years. 29/30. that's 29 inch waist, 30 inch inseam. i'm not really a small guy - sure, i'm a little on the shorter side, but i'm not skinny. but apparently over the course of the last several years while i've stayed the same size, the average american male consumer has gotten larger. because i simply cannot find a 29 inch waist in a casual pant anymore...

how did this happen? isn't the fashion industry's emphasis on being thin? haven't women's clothes shrunk and shrunk over time? how is it, then, that i cannot find a pair of pants that fit? do you expect me, banana republic, to eat a bag of oreos every day to fit into your pantalones? would you like, j crew, for me to add a layer of fat to my middle in order to over-spend at your store?

it's ridiculous. i want pants. i need pants. society expects that i wear pants. yet the mall-store-fashion-society no longer seems to think i deserve pants. please, someone - anyone - make me a size 29. i'll pay for it, i promise i will. well, except for that seersucker crap or pleated pants. all you 30s can keep those...

v...

tomorrow, the company that i work for turns five years old...

that's not a big deal to most. after all, lots of small firms have made it to five years, only to fail down the road. hell, lots of big firms have made it five years only to fail down the road...

but i remember very well about 5 years and 2 months ago. my boss took me and another close compatriot to lunch. and on the way he broke loose the bomb - i'm leaving... i'm starting my own firm... i'm tired of the bullshit that i've been dealing with and i've got the support of my wife. and i'm done...

i remember that day so well because i felt abandoned in a way. but i soon realized that it was the best thing for him. he deserved better. he had earned what he would never be given. and i was happy for him...

then about a month after he left, he called me. wanted to go to lunch. and over the next month, we figured out how we could make it work. and by make it work, i mean - i could go work for him. along with one of my best friends. we were about to make a leap of faith - all of us - in a vision for a better job, and a better life...

on july 12, 2001, i went to work for a one-person firm that immediately became a three person firm. we spent the next couple months doing small work, not knowing where the next job would come from - but believing in who we were. we worked out of my boss's garage. for two months. oh my - that feels like a lifetime ago...

today, we're ten people. in 9 months, we're moving to our fourth office space. and we're doing work that is eons above where we came from or where we began. we have a vision. and while we're not perfect, we have incredible people and a great philosophy and a tremendous direction. and we honestly believe in doing great work...

so for our fifth anniversary, my gratitude goes out to my boss and to my co-workers and to my profession. because i love what i do. and i appreciate who i work for and who i work with. and i look forward to the next five years - with the very acute memory of where the last five have taken us...

congratulations, dennis. and thanks for inviting me all those years ago to be a part of it...

treadmill 5k...

good run today - i decided to run a 5k for time, and the knee didn't bother me for the first time in a few weeks. i needed a good workout today because i'm taking tomorrow off to ski with my youngest brother and my dad. really looking forward to getting on the mountain with them - it's probably been 10 years or more...

today's time:

mile 1 - 7:20
mile 2 - 7:02
mile 3 - 6:49
5k total - 21:51

sweet sweet sleep...

for the majority of ian's life, he's been a very good sleeper. his first four months were spent sleeping between mom and dad (for the ease of feeding), and the next couple months were consistently through-the-night and in-the-crib. during the three months we lived with k's sister, the sleep cycle was interrupted (because we were sharing a room). but once he had his own room in our new house he's been a very good sleeper. in fact, he's been my alarm clock - waking up between 6:30 and 7:00 with incredible consistency...

until recently, that is. when k moved out and got her own place, she decided not to invest in a crib and instead used the pack-n-play. but at some point in the last few months, ian discovered he could climb out of the pack-n-play and would stand at his door, crying to go to mommy's bed. in all the time he was doing this for mom, though, he hasn't once tried to climb out of his crib at my house. and until recently, he's continued to sleep consistently for me...

but in the last few weeks, he's been waking regularly in the middle of the night. he'll wake up and stand up in his crib with his favorite blanket in hand and call out for daddy. and because he knows i will come, he calls for me until i get there. he's a very persistent little boy...

every time it's the same thing. i walk in, and i ask him if he's okay. rarely are there tears - instead he answers with "i want daddy's bed." i try to reason, he refuses reason. so i cave and tell him he can come to daddy's bed if he'll just go to sleep. because if he's not sleeping, he's pushing me around with his feet. and that means neither of us is sleeping. and i enjoy my sleep...

about a week ago (after ian had, on progressive nights, gotten me up at 3:00 and then 2:00 and then 1:00), k and i joined forces and decided to go the bribery route. ian - if you sleep through the night in your bed we can go eat breakfast at the place with balloons. ian - if you stay in your bed until it's light outside we can go to a restaurant tomorrow night...

the good news is that it has worked. he's made it through the night all week, and he happens to be a cheap date. and he's very proud of himself in the morning when he does make it through (he told k last week "i just shut my eyes!" with a big smile on his face, and pulled open the blinds thursday morning to show me that he slept until the sun came out). i'm just hoping that sleeping in his own bed doesn't permanently equate to getting something in return. because i really don't want to have to promise a 15-year old ian an x-box or something if he'll only sleep in his own bed...

pre-tri try...

in an effort to spur myself to more focused workouts, i just signed up for the 5430 sprint triathlon at boulder reservoir on june 18. i've spent many many hours on the water and running around "the res" (as we called it) in my rowing days, but i think this will be just a little different...

time to accellerate the training...

overwhelming expectations...

i don't get easily overwhelmed with work often, and i'm not now - but i feel like i could fall apart at any moment...

i really enjoy my job. i get to create and design and defend on a daily basis. i get to work on interesting projects with a range of clients with a range of expectations. but no matter the project - no matter how high or low profile it may be - i hold myself to very high expectations...

in the past, it has been relatively easy to maintain those expectations, as i've typically worked alone on projects. you see, i'm the only planner/urban designer in an office of landscape architects. and for most of the past five years, i've generally had a workload that has allowed me to manage the projects and do the production work and get it all done in the structure of a 40 hour week. but in the past 9 months or so, i've been taking on more and more projects of varying levels of design. and i've gotten past the point that i can do it all by myself anymore...

the problem with having high expectations is that not everyone has the ability or the capacity or the patience to meet those expectations. and while working by myself for years was good for my sanity, it left me with a deficiency in the ability to explain to others the breadth of my expectations. details should be considered from day one, anything we put on paper should be inherently build-able, what we do should both educate and be responsive to context, the client should understand that we understand the big picture every step of the way...

i think i've always just believed that everyone thinks this way. but i've discovered in the past several months that it's not universal. i like the people i work with. i think we have a sense of design in this office that surpasses most other firms. but we're not all equally picky. and we're not all willing or able to put the thought or the detail into a design that i strive to do every day. and learning how to deal with that, learning to maintain expectations while teaching those expectations... this is the process that i'm living with these days.

that process can be overwhelming. i have a wonderful working relationship with one person in the office - we see eye-to-eye in terms of details and quality, and learn from one-another when we have the opportunity to work together. but today i'm working with three other people in the office on three different projects who i haven't worked closely with before. three people with varying levels of ability and experience. and because i'm not the best teacher, this can be overwhelming. and because i'm picky, i worry that i'll overwhelm them...

i joke sometimes that i'm an anal bastard, especially when i have to explain that something wasn't up to snuff. what i hope for is that those high expectations will rub off on others. what i fear is that people will see me as just that - an anal bastard...

nothing to do with christmas...

since crista asked, here's the design. perhaps not the most masculine tattoo of all time, but it's got meaning and i did say i like botanical illustration. and no red, christmas-y ribbon to add the cheese factor. it'll be pretty well hidden, too, as it will go on one of my shoulders - and i'm not the type who takes his shirt off in public often...

in any event, i'll bet it's the first mistletoe the tattoo artist has done. at least i'm original - in a borrowed-artwork kind of way...

knee glitches...

this weekend's runs didn't go exactly as planned. i began the run on saturday (on the treadmill - i should have been outside, but i had ian and don't have an operable jogging stroller currently) by plugging 40 minutes into the treadmill computer. i intended to run a consistent 7:24 pace, and was going along just fine until i hit 2.9 miles. at which point my knee decided it didn't want to go any further...

i don't know running injuries or human anatomy particularly well. all i know is the inside of my right knee sent shooting pains to my brain. and i really hope the pain goes away, because i'm actually beginning to enjoy running. and i just picked up a garmin on friday - which would be completely useless if i couldn't run.

so i made my knee hold up to finish the 5k (22:52) and figure i should ride the bike or get in the pool this week and give the knee a rest. i did make it out for a short hike yesterday with no pain - it's starting to look like spring here. i really need to get a good tune on the bike and get the garmin figured out and trade the cardio equipment for the azure colorado sky...

________________

and on a different note, i think i settled on a design for the tattoo and, perhaps, a studio. now it's up to deciding if i really want to do it. we'll see...

hazel and mistletoe...

i'm going to have to preface this post by saying that i've never put any weight into the zodiac or horiscopes or any of that kind of stuff. and i'm not going to start now...

but.

ian and i are home today. ian's got a little fever and a runny nose and a bit of a cough, and i thought i'd be the responsible parent and save the other children from his fate. at least for one day. and while he's been sleeping, i've taken the opportunity to do some investigation into that new tattoo that i'm thinking of getting. looking into celtic symbology. doing a little research. and i've found something intriguing...

as it turns out, the ancient celtic version of our zodiac is based on a thirteen month tree "zodiac." now, that's enough in itself to picque my interest - because i happen to like trees. and i happen to really like botanical illustrations of trees. there's something about the depth of branching - a dynamism to a tree - that i really love...

in keeping with the thought that the tattoo may relate to ian, i discovered that his "birth" tree is a hazel. so i'll be looking into botanical illustrations of hazel trees. to see if i can find something i like...

at the same time, i've discovered something even more interesting and directly applicable to me. because the tree calendar covers all but one day of the year. it starts on december 24 with a birch and ends on december 22 with an elder. and then there's december 23. the "nameless day" in the celtic tree calendar. a day governed by no tree - representing instead the unshaped potential of all things, and represented by mistletoe. a day that happens to also be my birthday. the traits that describe "nameless day" people include devotion, persistence, responsibility, graciousness, and practical leadership - which the people closest to me would probably say describe me. and while i don't "believe" in astrology, i've discovered something today in which i can find meaning...

so, while i search for illustrations of hazel, i'll look also for those of mistletoe. because both have a new meaning for me, and a meaning that i think i can justify tattooing on my shoulder..