small talk with strangers...

one of the more strange things that i have to deal with in life is that i live practically next door to the person who partnered with k to escalate the demise of my marriage...

the cheating was one thing. the fact that he has a wife and kids - and wife and kids who i really like - is another. and the reality that his world is still "together" while i search for a new reality works like a steadily dripping faucet. you can try to pretend it's not there - but it reminds you in your darkest hours...

i took ian to a neighborhood restaurant last night - one that we go to regularly because they have a family dining room complete with a play area for the kids. ian will not sit still in a restaurant, so this place is good for my sanity. but last night, the neighbors were there...

somehow, we've rarely seen eachother over the past 6 months or so. maybe it's the weather. maybe, despite the community planners' attempt at encouraging neighborly interaction, we choose not to be seen. but there he was, with his family, acting very - well - family. and there was no opportunity to ignore the elephant in the corner...

i often wonder how his wife is doing. he's been a cheater, apparently, for a long time. she deserves better, their kids deserve better. i wonder how she does it, wondering every day if there is someone else, and putting on a show for the neighbors and friends that all is good. as difficult as it's been for me to let go, i suspect she's got it much worse...

so last night we exchanged small talk. hello, haven't seen you in a while, what'd you have for dinner. and that makes me perhaps most disappointed of all. because once we were friends who saw eachother all the time, drank beers on the front porch, watched the kids play together in the courtyard. and now we're strangers making small talk, pretending in our own little way that the resentment and the anger and the disappoinment don't linger over our lives every day...