back in the saddle...

for the better part of a week, i was a little too sloth-y for my taste. wasn't feeling particularly well (phlegmy throat, and worried that i was coming down with the same bug that knocked me out for nearly two weeks after the tri), had too much other stuff on my mind, and it's stupidly hot - not a good recipe for me and training...

but this weekend has made me feel quite a bit better. yesterday was a run on the treadmill (thank goodness for the childcare center at the gym - otherwise, yesterday would have been nothing). 8.1 miles, 64 minutes - a good run, felt strong, and considering i hadn't run since sunday eight miles felt pretty good. could have gone farther, except i plugged 64 minutes into the computer to begin the run and i was pretty much stuck with it.

this morning i woke up, got my bike gear together, and headed out for a bike-swim-bike workout. the ride to the reservoir (12 miles) was uneventful if not annoying (thanks to a mysterious squeak of the rear tire), but felt good, and the water was amazingly pleasant. swam a 6 x 300, and really didn't want to get out of the water - with no crowds and the heat coming, it felt like heaven. back on the bike (and the way back is less strenuous than the way out) until five miles in, when the rear tire went flat. it was the second ride in a row that the rear tire pooped out, at just about the same spot. thankfully i learned from the last time and came prepared with a new tube. the change wasn't particularly quick - my old bike has some incredibly tight tires - but i got it done. and a ton of people offered help as they passed, which (after carrie's recent experience) helped to restore some faith in humanity...

after the run i got showered and headed out to a bike shop. i've been riding the same lemond reno for 8 years, and it's been a good bike. but lately, it's felt heavy and perhaps a little unreliable. i've gone bike shopping several times in the last couple months, but never pulled the trigger. today, though, i did. and i'm now outfitted with a new speciallized allez sport. still on the entry side of the road bike market, but i can't justify spending much more. and i've got a new ride that should only motivate me more to train...

true love...

i'm at a point. a point that i'm afraid of a lot of things. so many things weighing on my mind, and so little outlet. even this site can't be an outlet for some things. but one - one i guess i can let go...

parenting. i'm afraid of it. not because i don't know what to do (well, i don't. but who does?). not because i don't think i can raise my son to be a good person. not because of so many of those things that the world would think a dad would be afraid of...

i'm afraid of my son not understanding how much i love him.
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i didn't have the smoothest of childhoods. i lived with my mom for 10 years and rarely saw my dad. then i lived with my dad for 8 years and rarely saw my mom. i adored my mom - she was the person i knew for so long - and i couldn't see her flaws. my dad and i fought for a long time - i was the oldest, i wasn't perfect, there was always the threat that i could be shipped back to life with my mom. my dad told me one day when i was in my early teens that my mom didn't really want me, but that's the way custody worked out. it broke my heart. and from where i stand today, i suspect he regrets it...

it wasn't until the second semester of my junior year of high school that my dad and i finally got along. i don't know why it worked out that way - all my friends were going in the opposite direction with their parents. but at that point, i felt like i had finally made it... made it to the family - no threats, just love. and acceptance. but mostly love...

now please don't get me wrong. my dad is a great man. perhaps not the best at expressing emotions. but he is a rock. he went through the infidelity just like i did, and he never mentioned it to me. and he is the man that i want to be...

except for one thing. and this is what i'm afraid of when it comes to ian...

i remember my high school graduation day very well. the ceremony is cloudy. the after-party cloudy too. what i remember clear as a bell is coming home from the ceremony and walking in the door and my dad greeting me at the top of the stairs. he said to me: "i'm proud of you and i love you." and that is the first memory i have of my dad telling me that he loved me...
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i tell ian that i love him every day. so many times that some people might think i'm over-parenting. that i'm soft. but, dammit, i love that kid. love him more than i am capable of loving, it seems. yet i am afraid, day after day, that he's not going to understand that. being a single parent is a lonely and frightening thing - but moreso, i think, when you were raised that way. and i don't make up for that by showering ian with gifts or feeding him bad food. i do get mad, and i do discipline. but above all else, i remind him incessantly that i do, in fact, love him...

and i'm still afraid that it's not going to be enough.

volunteer duty...

yesterday was my second triathlon. well, my second triathlon experience. my first was the father's day triathlon i completed just a month ago. my second was as volunteer for the denver danskin triathlon...

i decided to volunteer for the race for several reasons. one, i sincerely appreciated the volunteers at the boulder sprint tri and their water-bearing cheerfulness. two, my incredible friend greenfish was participating - in her very first triathlon - and i wanted to be there to offer moral support. and three, the race supports breast cancer research - a cause i am enthusiastically behind...

i was originally assigned to the finish line, which meant passing out water, draping medals over finishers' heads, and snipping off timing chips. as the first winner came nearer and nearer the finish line, though, more and more volunteers showed up for the finish - clogging the area even before any of the 2,300 athletes crossed the line.

in a fit of wisdom, the organizers decided to relocate a few of us to points along the run course. it was a sweltering, cloudless day (temperatures hovered near or over 100 degrees for most of the day), and the fear of dehydration convinced the organizers to locate volunteers at points along the run course in case there were any emergency situations. armed with only a couple gallons of water, i stood in the same spot on the shadeless out-and-back course - one mile from the finish - for four hours, until the last of the participants had passed...

it was an amazing experience. yes, it was warm, but it was nothing compared to the gratitude expressed by so many of the athletes. i can be a fairly emotional person, and watching as each woman ran or walked by both out and back - either for themselves or in honor of another, to prove they could make it or to improve on a previous result - i felt a tremendous amount of respect for the race, for the event, and for every woman who passed. and while i'm not exactly an out-going, rah-rah type guy, i gave encouragement to as many of the 2,300 finishers as i could. because with a mile left, i was the last red shirt they'd see until the finish line...

i'll never forget the appreciation in the looks of so many faces. i'll never forget the smile on greenfish's face as she ran by on the way out and the way in. and i'll certainly volunteer again...

and speaking of greenfish... i won't steal her thunder by posting her results. but i will say that i was incredibly proud of her as she ran by, grinning from ear-to-ear. i knew she could do it. but i don't think i expected (nor did she) that she'd do as well as she did. while i was standing at my post, i heard the din of the names of the finishers as they crossed the line all morning - and just a din as all the names were foreign. but when greenfish crossed i heard her name clear as a bell - and a big fat grin broke across my face...

too much on my mind...

i have way too many thoughts to adequately focus on any single thing. so here goes:

i went clothes shopping yesterday. clothes shopping has been incredibly frustrating lately, as no clothiers seem to make a mens' waist size less than 30 inches these days. i've written about this before. and it sucks. i'm reduced to wearing shorts with holes, because i can't find anything that fits. and i'm not that freakin' small! frustrating...

but i had some luck at the gap this weekend. my first new pair of shorts in a couple years. even some good jeans. still nothing i can wear to a meeting at work. but something. and i've been wearing the same size for 15 years - except now i'm somehow an inch smaller in the waist. and five pounds heavier. damn that working out!

the neighbor's house is "under contract." which mildly reduces the pain of k's parents movin a half-mile away in less than a month. and, apparently, k moving a mile away in the other direction the same weekend. oh lord...

tattoo update: none really. that comes tomorrow, when i meet with an artist. we'll see - i want to trust someone to do what i'm looking for. otherwise, no ink...

ian's out of town this week. which sucks. the sleeping in is nice, but the difference between 6:30 and 7:00 does not make up for the absence of his smile. he left yesterday morning, and my - how i miss him...

i still can't slow down, although i'll keep trying. i set off on a 5-mile, easy run tonite - and went out at a 7:48 pace. somehow, two miles later i ran 7:30. this was not what i wanted to do. i managed to push myself to a 10k, with an average split of 7:58. but i wanted more along the lines of 8:30. i'm a stubborn, competetive idiot. oh well - next time...

entering psychosis...

so i'm feeling a bit psychotic...

last year at this time, i was dealing with a separation and pending divorce. mediation - which, despite not having to pay exhorbitant lawyer fees (although i still spent 1500 bucks) - sucked. k was an exercise nut... over the top. and i was enjoying the peace from her nagging. meaning i was doing exactly nothing. enter august, though, when greenfish's exploits in the swimming pool convinced me to take up a childhood activity and a gym membership. followed by carrie's challenge in december to do a triathlon. and here i am...

today i signed up to do the boulder backroads half-marathon. if you've read this site (i know, that's you carrie and ashley), you know that i was never a runner. didn't actually pick up running until february - and that was only because i was doing a flippin' triathlon in june. never thought running was remotely fun and was never remotely motivated to run. and here i am, signed up, $65 dollars out-of-pocket, to do a half-marathon. in september. four weeks after tri number two...

semi-psychotic. but thanks to my training partner, my motivator, some footwear advice from everyone's favorite blogger, some inspiration, and a desire to prove to myself that i can do it - well, i'm gonna do it. and after last night's run, 13.1 doesn't seem unrealistic...

although psychotic is pretty close...

mission accomplished...

tonite was the real breakthrough. 10 miles, outside, 8:28 pace. i wanted to force myself to run at a bit slower pace (8:45ish), but i need to allow myself to practice this and get better. as it is, this is easily my furthest run and longest run (1 hour, 24 minutes). and while i started feeling it the last couple miles, i really felt pretty strong the whole way. next goal - half-marathon. and after that? i've never felt remotely compelled to run 26.2... but who knows? i've surprised myself quite a bit over the last 11 months...

downside? blisters. one, two, three new blisters. perhaps i should get something better than my 30-dollars-on-sale running shoes...?

learning self-control...

i'm home today. or, rather, not at work today. ian's day care decided they needed a five-day holiday weekend, so i have to pleasure of a mid-week full day with my boy. it's not often we get these outside of the weekend, and we're taking full advantage. ian's highlight? a new bike helmet. my highlight? lunch...

i did manage to get a good run in this morning, althought not the distance run outdoors that i've been wanting to do (but conveniently not getting around to). but it was kind of a breakthrough run for me nonetheless...

see, i have a difficult time monitoring the speed of my runs. i seem to feel i have to run - fast - for the run to be worth it. and the speed that i can't seem to restrain limits my ability to go for distance - which means my long distance to this point is seven miles, and i'm usually in the five-mile range for a "long" run...

but i realized last week, running with greenfish, that a slower cadence equals a greater capacity for distance. that if i run in the range of 9-minute miles rather than 7:30 miles, i can probably run for a much longer - and much more fulfilling - distance. i know this is preaching to the choir, i know it's common sense, but i just haven't been able to back off...

until today. today i didn't push it. i set the time on the treadmill, i ran at a moderate pace, and i felt i could go forever. and it's not that the overall distance was anything to write home about - but the feeling right now that i could actually go out for another run today or go for a long-distance run tomorrow is pretty rewarding...

back on the bike...

the diagnosis from the doc was allergies. relief - because i didn't want some respiratory bug knocking me out. but discouraging in a way - because my allegies have never manifested themselves in the form of a gutteral, phlegmy, rib-bursting cough. don't really want to look forward to this every june, but deal with the cards you're dealt, right?

today i got out for the first real activity since the triathlon (not counting thursday's run with greenfish which was encouraging because i wasn't affected by the cough). the afternoon skies turned cloudy and the heat backed-off a little, so i managed to get out for a 30-mile ride. it felt pretty good, although by about mile 23 i was beginning to struggle, and at mile 24 i discovered a slow leak in my rear tire (with no spare) that had me stopping every mile on the way in to add air. all told, though, it felt great to get out and do something. hopefully this is the kick-start for the new training regimen that gets me to the steamboat tri in about 8 weeks...