nothing to say

so i've been compelled to write again. compelled by family, compelled by friends, compelled by an urge to unlock the words that don't get spoken.

so much has happened since i last posted, yet i've felt i've had nothing to say. a relationship has seen a finale. a friendship has not only blossomed - but bloomed. i've dealt with the most extreme feelings of inadequacy and anger and loneliness that i've ever known. and yet i felt i had nothing to say...

but that's me. i've always been closed to the world. i'm the brother and the son and the friend who seldom calls. i'm the man who bought into the spouse-as-best-friend idea, at the expense of other relationships. i'm the ultimate internallizer...

i've spent the last couple months tucking away my very difficult world (with the exception of one amazing friend, to whom i owe an incredible debt of gratitude, who bore the weight of my burden). and the whole time, i've had this outlet. except, i've felt i had nothing to say...

today, i'm making a stab at allowing myself to say something. because i do need it. i need to know that someone, somewhere might see my words. i need to free those closest to me of the sole burden of my pain. and i need to celebrate my happiness. because as much as i want to be someone different - this is who i am. but while i may not be the son or the brother or the friend who calls all the time, i can be the guy with the website in colorado who has something to say...

oh, and i'm doing this triathlon in august and have no idea how to train for it. so, if nothing else, at least i can keep track of my not knowing what i'm doing...

i really do hope i find something to say...