the winnebago of change

when i was ten years old i had a fairly traumatic life change. it changed my life in ways i cannot begin to fathom, and laid the groundwork for the person i was to become...

until i was ten and a half, i lived solely with my mother. my parents divorced when i was a year old, and both parents remarried within a couple years. my dad moved in one direction, my mom in another. i used to ride the greyhound bus over the hot plains of eastern colorado, stopping in small towns along the route, a lone 8 year old boy with his flip books to read and a quarter in his pocket to buy a snickers bar at the food stop. i remember little about those visits with my dad and his growing family, save for the arrival at and departure from the bus station...

the summer of my tenth year was different. my mom and step-dad rented a winnebago and our little family took a week-long tour of colorado. we visited the southwest part of the state (thinking telluride was a funny name for a town), spent a day and night at the sand dunes (waking up with eyes puffy and full of sand), spent some time with relatives in denver, and ultimately landed in lamar where i began my yearly two weeks with him...

a little history. before this fateful trip to my dad's house, i had worked myself into quite the little delinquent. both my mom and my step-dad worked full-time, and after school i developed a habit of going to local stores and helping myself to things that i wanted. it started with a candy bar here and there, but i gradually worked into bigger and more expensive items. even getting caught red-handed at the 7-11 and taken to the police station in the back of a cruiser didn't change me. i was on a downhill path and didn't know to use the brakes...

when my mom dropped me off at my dad's house and waved goodbye as the winnebago drove away, i had no idea that would be the last that i would ever live with her. shortly after i arrived at my dad's house, he and my step-mom sat me down and explained that i would be living with them. that i would be going to a new school and repeating the fifth grade (since i'd also let my grades fall over the past couple years). that i'd be the new big brother to five younger siblings. that the delinquency would stop and i would be an example for my family. that life was going to change...

that was an incredibly difficult thing for a ten year old to come to terms with. i wouldn't be seeing my mom, who was all i'd known for years and who was not to blame for the child i had become. i went from a family of four to a family of eight, from the oldest of two children to the oldest of six kids. i had to quickly learn discipline and make new friends and get to know a new family. it was a rough adjustment. and it was also the best thing that's ever happened to me...

as i grew older and moved from adolescence to teenager to adult, i grew to understand the importance of self-control and of discipline. i grew to appreciate the strict control that my parents held me in, to understand that their guiding hand was the only way i was going to become a better person. to become a person that they could be proud of, that i could be proud of...

now 34, i often think back to the child i was at ten. and i am incredibly thankful that i had help finding the right track. that i've had the support of parents and a family who lit the path to change. without them, i would have been a different person. and i happen to like the man that i've become...

nothing to say

so i've been compelled to write again. compelled by family, compelled by friends, compelled by an urge to unlock the words that don't get spoken.

so much has happened since i last posted, yet i've felt i've had nothing to say. a relationship has seen a finale. a friendship has not only blossomed - but bloomed. i've dealt with the most extreme feelings of inadequacy and anger and loneliness that i've ever known. and yet i felt i had nothing to say...

but that's me. i've always been closed to the world. i'm the brother and the son and the friend who seldom calls. i'm the man who bought into the spouse-as-best-friend idea, at the expense of other relationships. i'm the ultimate internallizer...

i've spent the last couple months tucking away my very difficult world (with the exception of one amazing friend, to whom i owe an incredible debt of gratitude, who bore the weight of my burden). and the whole time, i've had this outlet. except, i've felt i had nothing to say...

today, i'm making a stab at allowing myself to say something. because i do need it. i need to know that someone, somewhere might see my words. i need to free those closest to me of the sole burden of my pain. and i need to celebrate my happiness. because as much as i want to be someone different - this is who i am. but while i may not be the son or the brother or the friend who calls all the time, i can be the guy with the website in colorado who has something to say...

oh, and i'm doing this triathlon in august and have no idea how to train for it. so, if nothing else, at least i can keep track of my not knowing what i'm doing...

i really do hope i find something to say...

birthdays...

oddly enough, i don't really remember a great birthday. maybe that's what happens when your parents conspire to conceive you with the timing of the eventual birth being two days before christmas. as a matter of fact, i remember very few birthdays at all...

there was the pizza hut party when i was three. which must have been fun. i mean, the pictures - my only real memory of the occasion - point to a great time. and then there was...

oh yeah. there was my 16th birthday. memorable for a couple reasons. i really wanted a car, just like all other 16 year olds. and i really wanted my driver's license - again, just like all other 16 year olds. but, see, i was the oldest of six in a fairly conservative family. and for my "car" birthday what did i get? i got a dresser. five drawers of oak bliss (which, incidentally, i still own). not the ideal gift for a hormonal teenager, however. and that driver's licence. yeah - that didn't happen for another three months. oldest-kid growing pains...

then there was my 21st birthday. actually the most memorable of all. i was home from college. it was two nights before christmas - just like it is every year. my dad had me go to the liquor store and get beer. and my parents invited three of my closest high school friends over. we talked. it was actually a really good night. but that was it for 21...

the only other birthday i remember is 28. i'd just met the ex-wife a couple months before and she was leaving for two weeks the next day. so we got a hotel room near the airport and swam in the vacant pool. good night. early morning...

why do i bring up the birthdays - or lack thereof - in my life? partly because ian just had his second, and i don't ever want him to think that his birthday isn't a day to celebrate him. and because through all that i've been through recently, i understand that we all need to be celebrated sometimes. we all need to feel like the most important person in someone's world - if only for just a day. heck - it doesn't even have to be a birthday... and maybe the best way of showing a person their impact on our own life is to celebrate them unexpectedly?

i imagine that would be a really good day. maybe one day i'll get to find out...

it doesn't take much to cheer me up...

take, for example, my son, the towel he wandered around with at his birthday party, and his cousins who just cannot wait to get their hands on that blue frosting...

some days...

no doubt about it - some days are worse than others...

some days, the feelings of inadequacy are heightened to the extreme. some days its hard to see your shadow on the sidewalk, feeling the emptiness of that shell, expecting it to fall in a heap now that the backbone has been stripped by her cheating and her falling out of love...

some days, the weight of life seems too much to bear. some days, the decisions to make are overwhelming, the hope that propels the heart slowing to a creep...

some days, you wonder how life could have taken these turns. this wasn't the way it was supposed to be...

some days the light seems to not shine, only reflections of what was or what could be glancing off the windows to yesterday and tomorrow...

on those days, perhaps unrealistic expectations are laid on those parts of life that are real and good. the comfort of a smile from a best friend. the late night phone call with the one true love. the excited sprint of the perfect little boy. these are the things that i crave - that my deflated soul needs - on days like today...