roadtripping...

tomorrow, i leave on the first real road trip i've been on since college.

back in the day, road trips were the norm. see, i was on the crew team in college. at the university of colorado. yes, we had a rowing team at old cu. in the middle of the high desert. problem was - we were it in the rocky mountain region, meaning every regatta we competed in meant a long road trip...

thers's something about putting college kids behind the wheel and in charge of tens of thousands of dollars of equipment and dozens of lives. but at the time, that's the only way we could operate. we were a club sport (actually, we didn't even have that level of funding) and if we wanted to go anywhere, we had to go it alone. so we drove, hundreds (or thousands) of miles, through the night. to places like des moines. and waco. madison. manhattan (kansas). wichita and kansas city. austin. sacramento.

we were never supposed to be competitive. i joined the team in it's second semester of life, when we literally had only a 30-year old donated wrecked shell (that's "boat" to you non-rowers) that weighed three times what our competitors were racing in, about a dozen rowers... and a whole lot of passion for what - to most of us - was a brand new sport. in my first race, we lost our skeg and never found our balance - but we never gave up, either in that race or for the next three years. and by the time i graduated, we had boats that medalled in both the midwest and western rowing championships. and while almost every other division 1 team was bussing or flying their athletes to races, we were driving ourselves...

and now tomorrow, we drive ourselves again. i don't think carrie understands why this is okay to me. i mean, who wants to drive 17 hours when there are perfectly good flying machines navigating the air space that could get us there in a fraction of the time? but this trip is a reminder of my past. of the days when you went to a race because it was there - and it matterred little where "there" was. of the days when vacation meant packing a big cooler, making fresh mix tapes, and driving to a race with the people that have trained for the same goal... that out of town race.

and perhaps i haven't exactly trained for wildflower... but i'm going to do it (i'll at least *start* it). but more importantly for me, i'm going to roadtrip with my sister to a starting line and a group of people who feel about this race like i did when i was 22 heading to the middle of kansas, and feel - finally - again.

i look forward to seeing all of you cyber-space triathletes at the lake. safe travels...

hold your kids tight...

tomorrow, a 15 month old is laid to rest.

a good friend of mine lost her daughter on friday morning. two little girls lost a baby sister, and a father lost his love. there was no warning. during the course of the night, the toddler went from playing with her sister to a horrible, inexplicable fate...

it's impossible to find the words to describe the sorrow that i feel for this family. the worst fear a parent could realize. i can't begin to guess how many times i've crept into ian's room late at night, leaning in close - anxious for the sound of a breath. the instinct of protection is inate, and there's no greater fear in my heart than the inability to protect my son. knowing that my friends are experiencing that most basic fear breaks my heart, and leaves me helpless to console.

i know tomorrow's funeral is going to be incredibly difficult to bear. seeing parents say goodbye to their little girl, not being able to fathom the sense of grief and loss that they are experiencing. and realizing that - no matter how protective we may try to be as parents and no matter how intensely (or intently) we love them - we can't control everything... their fate at times belongs to something even larger than we are.

it's not snowing anymore...

it's been pointed out to me that's it's been a bit since i last posted. and here i'm thinking - it hasn't even been four months yet... what could possibly happen in my life in four months to write about?

i'll give 'em this... a few things have gone down. small things. like i finally sold my house. (does my contracting on a new house, cancelling that contract, contracting on another new house, planning the remodel, discovering that the seller owes much, much more than i was paying and - ergo - his bank refused the sale one week before closing, count as news? nah...)

oh, and i moved into a new house. (do i mention that - given the homelessness threat of aforementioned sale falling though - i had to scramble to find a rental for ian and myself given that one week is a::little too little time to find and close on a new house?)

and then there's this triathlon i'm supposed to do next weekend. (it's called wildflower. somewhere in california - you may have heard of it. i signed up in december, and then came january and february and march and april, and an extended cold and a move and a whole lot of stress and a decision to back out of the race... except that, thanks to my sister'sgentle urging, i won't be able to not compete.)

and then there's this consideration i like to call bealms. (but that's not even a real word, so how interesting could that be?)

i suppose there could be something interesting about my ex-wife's most recent decision (more than parentheses involved there) and my new rug (deep, plush shag) to talk about... but i can save those stories for another day. and really - i am hoping there's another day. because i do need this outlet - and i think it's become a deeper need than the living vicariously through all your lives that i've been doing...

i think i'm back. at least, i hope i am...

another storm spoils the new year...

a fresh storm is moving in today - before we've even had a chance to unbury all the cars on the road and clear the icy, crater-laden side streets. the forecasters can't seem to decide if it's going to bring us 8 inches or 30 inches - or any number in between, for that matter. however, it's enough snow (and coming from the perfectly wrong direction) to cancel the trip that ian and i were supposed to take to new mexico. it seems that the universe is conspiring against us seeing my mom this year...

for this, it better be another darn good storm. we could use some more snowman and sledding time.

blizzard, redux...

this was dusk last night. the snow had stopped, but digging-out hadn't begun. today i made it to the office. tomorrow is my birthday. but through it all, there is snow.