hold your kids tight...

tomorrow, a 15 month old is laid to rest.

a good friend of mine lost her daughter on friday morning. two little girls lost a baby sister, and a father lost his love. there was no warning. during the course of the night, the toddler went from playing with her sister to a horrible, inexplicable fate...

it's impossible to find the words to describe the sorrow that i feel for this family. the worst fear a parent could realize. i can't begin to guess how many times i've crept into ian's room late at night, leaning in close - anxious for the sound of a breath. the instinct of protection is inate, and there's no greater fear in my heart than the inability to protect my son. knowing that my friends are experiencing that most basic fear breaks my heart, and leaves me helpless to console.

i know tomorrow's funeral is going to be incredibly difficult to bear. seeing parents say goodbye to their little girl, not being able to fathom the sense of grief and loss that they are experiencing. and realizing that - no matter how protective we may try to be as parents and no matter how intensely (or intently) we love them - we can't control everything... their fate at times belongs to something even larger than we are.

it's not snowing anymore...

it's been pointed out to me that's it's been a bit since i last posted. and here i'm thinking - it hasn't even been four months yet... what could possibly happen in my life in four months to write about?

i'll give 'em this... a few things have gone down. small things. like i finally sold my house. (does my contracting on a new house, cancelling that contract, contracting on another new house, planning the remodel, discovering that the seller owes much, much more than i was paying and - ergo - his bank refused the sale one week before closing, count as news? nah...)

oh, and i moved into a new house. (do i mention that - given the homelessness threat of aforementioned sale falling though - i had to scramble to find a rental for ian and myself given that one week is a::little too little time to find and close on a new house?)

and then there's this triathlon i'm supposed to do next weekend. (it's called wildflower. somewhere in california - you may have heard of it. i signed up in december, and then came january and february and march and april, and an extended cold and a move and a whole lot of stress and a decision to back out of the race... except that, thanks to my sister'sgentle urging, i won't be able to not compete.)

and then there's this consideration i like to call bealms. (but that's not even a real word, so how interesting could that be?)

i suppose there could be something interesting about my ex-wife's most recent decision (more than parentheses involved there) and my new rug (deep, plush shag) to talk about... but i can save those stories for another day. and really - i am hoping there's another day. because i do need this outlet - and i think it's become a deeper need than the living vicariously through all your lives that i've been doing...

i think i'm back. at least, i hope i am...