foolish epidemic: January 2006

26 January 2006

oy...

work has been great this week. everything is in design. conceptual design. and that is the best part of my job.

work has also been hectic this week at the office. which has led to little time to do anything else. like update this site...

so in short (and i'll elaborate later) i'll let you know what hit me between the eyes today: aggressive two-year old. daddy has some 'splainin and some disciplinin' to do...

i'll be back. i promise...

21 January 2006

100 things...

1. hi. i'm chris.
2. although my real name is christopher.
3. as a kid, it embarassed me when a teacher would call me christopher on the first day of school.
4. i am technically an only child.
5. although i have six younger brothers and sisters.
6. my parents divorced when i was a year old and both remarried.
7. i've lived in colorado my entire life.
8. the only exception being a 2-month stint at age 15 on my grandparents' farm in north dakota.
9. i went to college in-state, too.
10. i've always regretted not taking the opportunity to spread my wings and leave the state for school.
11. i am told that i taught myself to read at age 3.
12. and a month into kindergarten i was advanced to the first grade.
13. i was enrolled in a lutheran school.
14. the only class i've failed in my life was sunday school at the lutheran school.
15. because i wasn't lutheran and didn't attend sunday school.
16. i went to the lutheran school because i was a short kid and my mom was afraid i'd get picked on at the urban public elementary school.
17. my first kiss happened inside a tractor tire on the playground at recess in first grade.
18. her name was paula, and she was apparently attracted to the cast on my right leg.
19. because once the cast came off, paula dumped me for the next kid with a cast.
20. i took the fifth grade twice.
21. the first time, i was an underachieving trouble-maker.
22. the second time i was in a different school clear across the state.
23. and a model student.
24. i got my first pair of glasses when i was 10.
25. i cried when i had to wear them to school the first day, because i thought i looked like a dork.
26. and i did. the supreme dork.
27. i would later choose a frame in high school that made me look far worse.
28. when i was in 6th grade i correctly spelled "antidisestablishmentarianism" to win an in-class spelling bee.
29. but the teacher let me cheat and use the chalkboard.
30. i first acted in a play/musical as a 6th grader.
31. i was tiny tim. no, my voice hadn't changed yet.
32. in high school, i was very involved in drama.
33. and a vocal group.
34. and academics.
35. and not in alcohol. didn't touch a drop.
36. in college, i discovered alcohol.
37. and forget about drama, vocals, and academics.
38. i joined the crew team my third year of college with no rowing experience.
39. it was the most rewarding part of my college experience.
40. and gave my far more confidence than the academic part of college did.
41. i majored in civil engineering.
42. except a couple years into school, i no longer wanted to be a civil engineer.
43. yet i stuck it out because i didn't think it was worth it to change majors.
44. after working a couple years in the construction industry, i decided to go back to school for a masters degree.
45. in urban and regional planning.
46. best. decision. ever. (well, professionally)
47. it's amazing how well you can do in college when you're interested in the subject matter and apply yourself.
48. and while the program wasn't particularly challenging, it led me to a very satisfying career.
49. i met the woman i would later marry at a halloween party hosted by one of my grad school classmates.
50. we dated for a year and were engaged for another year before we were married.
51. and we were married for less than two years before she had her first affair.
52. i didn't find out for another two years.
53. when she had her second affair.
54. with our neighbor.
55. i was willing to give the relationship every chance, but she got bored with it.
56. we separated on mother's day, 2005 - her decision.
57. our divorce was finallized on december 1 2005.
58. i don't have any regrets about our eight years together, because without it we wouldn't have our son.
59. and my son is my greatest source of pride and joy.
60. i've wanted to be a father for as long as i can remember.
61. and it's better than i ever imagined.
62. i both cannot wait and dread the thought of him getting older.
63. i'd love to have another child, but i'm not sure i'll have the opportunity.
64. changing subjects now.
65. when i was in high school i was a raging junior republican.
66. then i went to college and gradually learned to think for myself.
67. today i don't claim a party - because i absolutely detest partisan politics.
68. but i certainly lean more to the left.
69. which i think drives my parents crazy.
70. well, my dad anyway.
71. i've had more jobs in my life than i can even remember.
72. it started at my father's drug store, operating the cash register at 10 years old.
73. and went on to include flipping burgers, grinding engine blocks, and driving a forklift.
74. today i am an urban designer.
75. and almost nobody understands what that means.
76. i love my job.
77. because it affords me a lot of freedom to do good and satisfying work.
78. and i'm not afraid to admit that i'm good at what i do.
79. although being a father is the most difficult and most rewarding "job" i've ever had.
80. i have a tattoo.
81. i got it when i was 23 - a celtic knot-inspired band around my bicep.
82. i didn't tell my parents about it until i was 32.
83. and i had countless bad dreams in those nine intervening years about my parents discovering it.
84. yes - i am still afraid of disappointing my parents.
85. in recent months, i've thought about getting another tattoo.
86. as part of the healing process of the divorce and starting over.
87. and, no, i'm not sure how tattoos and healing equate, either.
88. the best place i've ever visited is italy.
89. although i'm confident that if i made it to scotland it would probably equate to italy.
90. i'd rather vacation in a place with history and culture and something to learn than on a beach.
91. because beaches are boring.
92. i do the new york times crossword every sunday.
93. please note - i didn't say i finish it every sunday.
94. come on, only six more.
95. i once ate a jalapeno whole at the age of 12 for a free watermelon.
96. i also once sneaked into an avalanche playoff hockey game - at 25.
97. okay, will this never end?
98. i was once the only witness for the prosecution in a domestic violence case.
99. the jury didn't believe me, but i know what i saw and i know that he hit her.
100. and i'm spent.

20 January 2006

right between the eyes...

very little good comes out of a divorce. hurt feelings, child raising questions, property division - not lots of comfort in the whole event. but when my marriage ended, there was one unquestionable positive from my perspective - distance, both physically and emotionally, from her parents...

i should say that my ex's parents aren't bad people. as a matter of fact, i'm sure they're inherently good people. but, my goodness - if there were ever two people built less suited to my personality, well, those people are my former in-laws...

from day one, i could tell that life would be difficult with k's dad. unlike my father - who is quiet and deliberate and, well, fatherly - my former father-in-law has the emotional capacity of a 4 year old. no matter the topic of conversation, he's always got to be the focus. he not only wears his emotions on his sleeve, but leaves them dripping down the sidewalk in big pay-attention-to-me puddles. i'm considering petitioning webster's to include his photograph next to the term "ego-centric" in future dictionary editions. i have never, ever had a comfortable moment with this man...

the only saving grace is that they live across the country. so, save for three or four week-long bouts of full immersion a year, i could go along with life comfortably. and then we got divorced and - hey - i didn't have to participate in any of those uncomfortable moments. amidst all the weight piled on by divorce, one weight was removed. ahh...

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for a year or so, the ex in-laws have been talking about moving to colorado to be closer to their kids and grandkids. and while it's not the ideal situation for me, i understand their reasons. after k and i separated, the moving talk began ramping up and they've been here several times to check out different housing markets. and, in fact, they've been out this week with the intent of signing a contract...

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so at the gym last night i sat down on the bike next to k. as she was finishing up her ride, she asked if i'd like to come to her house afterward for a beer. apparently, there was something to talk about. i politely declined, and told her that she could tell me right there. not expecting a bomb...

imagine the scene in the movie where the bullet is coming in slow-motion at the unsuspecting victim. i mean, the victim knows a bullet is coming, but he expects that it's aimed at the brow of someone else and, inexplicably, it misses and nails him square between the eyes...

my parents signed a contract today, says k with a slight grin on her face. where, i ask. no answer, just more uncomfortable grin. not stapleton (my neighborhood), i say. yes, stapleton. we're talking a stone's throw from my house. we're talking same grocery store and same coffee shop and same parks. we're talking drop-in-with-no-warning close...

we're talking bullet, right between the eyes...

17 January 2006

resolute

around the time the new year came (a great big two weeks ago), i decided to find some resolve. i won't say i made resolutions because - well - that's a trigger word. a trigger for you-won't-possibly-do-that. so let's just say i searched for some resolve. except i didn't write them down. my resolve existed only in my head. i'm told that's not the best place to house resolve, though. for resolve sometimes requires the help of those around you...

so today, i resolve to make my resolve public (at least to the two other people who read this). i feels lame. but lame can be good. right? here goes...

today (well, 17 days ago, but today's easier to type) i resolve to go to starbucks (or any coffee/caffeine establishment) no more than three times a week. trust me, this is not as easy as it may sound...

today i resolve to eat out for dinner no more than once a week, and to eat out for lunch no more than twice a week. again, harder than you might imagine...

today i resolve to work out four days a week. maybe five. but not less than four...

today i resolve to at least consider a diet low in cholesterol. for i have high cholesterol. and, well, i want to be around for my little guy...

today i resolve to accept me for who i am. which is a pretty good guy. but not an everyman. i have to be okay with that. i really do...

today i resolve to brush ian's teeth before bed rather than in the morning. and, i guess, to convince him that water is the nectar of the gods as opposed to juice. oh. this is going to be a hard one...

today i resolve to make this a therapeutic place for me. to maintain this site as an outlet for my thoughts, for my hopes, and for my fear...

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okay. let's see how this goes...

16 January 2006

training to train...

thankfully, the triathlon is seven months plus a couple weeks away. because i'm not the best trainer...

i happen to be one of those people who can get in shape pretty quick. that can be a good and a bad thing. the good thing is that after a couple weeks of being at the gym, i manage to find my stride. the bad thing is that i tend to have to use those two weeks every couple months because i've found excuses to not work out for too long...

i've been great about getting to the gym the last couple weeks. (i fully admit that i'm not committed enough yet to actually do something outside in the winter.) the thing is, i've been great about getting on the bike. but i've only been in the pool once, and not at all on the treadmill. and that's my personality. full immersion in one activity at the complete expense of others...

except i'm doing a triathlon. which requires three different disciplines. which is two more than one...

my answer has to be a schedule. a day-by-day and week-by-week what-to-do. because without one, i'm going to be great on the bike or great in the water or great on my feet but not even good on more than one come august...

i just hope my training partners both in town and a mountain range away keep me focussed. because i don't want to have to regain my stride every couple months...

11 January 2006

the winnebago of change

when i was ten years old i had a fairly traumatic life change. it changed my life in ways i cannot begin to fathom, and laid the groundwork for the person i was to become...

until i was ten and a half, i lived solely with my mother. my parents divorced when i was a year old, and both parents remarried within a couple years. my dad moved in one direction, my mom in another. i used to ride the greyhound bus over the hot plains of eastern colorado, stopping in small towns along the route, a lone 8 year old boy with his flip books to read and a quarter in his pocket to buy a snickers bar at the food stop. i remember little about those visits with my dad and his growing family, save for the arrival at and departure from the bus station...

the summer of my tenth year was different. my mom and step-dad rented a winnebago and our little family took a week-long tour of colorado. we visited the southwest part of the state (thinking telluride was a funny name for a town), spent a day and night at the sand dunes (waking up with eyes puffy and full of sand), spent some time with relatives in denver, and ultimately landed in lamar where i began my yearly two weeks with him...

a little history. before this fateful trip to my dad's house, i had worked myself into quite the little delinquent. both my mom and my step-dad worked full-time, and after school i developed a habit of going to local stores and helping myself to things that i wanted. it started with a candy bar here and there, but i gradually worked into bigger and more expensive items. even getting caught red-handed at the 7-11 and taken to the police station in the back of a cruiser didn't change me. i was on a downhill path and didn't know to use the brakes...

when my mom dropped me off at my dad's house and waved goodbye as the winnebago drove away, i had no idea that would be the last that i would ever live with her. shortly after i arrived at my dad's house, he and my step-mom sat me down and explained that i would be living with them. that i would be going to a new school and repeating the fifth grade (since i'd also let my grades fall over the past couple years). that i'd be the new big brother to five younger siblings. that the delinquency would stop and i would be an example for my family. that life was going to change...

that was an incredibly difficult thing for a ten year old to come to terms with. i wouldn't be seeing my mom, who was all i'd known for years and who was not to blame for the child i had become. i went from a family of four to a family of eight, from the oldest of two children to the oldest of six kids. i had to quickly learn discipline and make new friends and get to know a new family. it was a rough adjustment. and it was also the best thing that's ever happened to me...

as i grew older and moved from adolescence to teenager to adult, i grew to understand the importance of self-control and of discipline. i grew to appreciate the strict control that my parents held me in, to understand that their guiding hand was the only way i was going to become a better person. to become a person that they could be proud of, that i could be proud of...

now 34, i often think back to the child i was at ten. and i am incredibly thankful that i had help finding the right track. that i've had the support of parents and a family who lit the path to change. without them, i would have been a different person. and i happen to like the man that i've become...

09 January 2006

nothing to say

so i've been compelled to write again. compelled by family, compelled by friends, compelled by an urge to unlock the words that don't get spoken.

so much has happened since i last posted, yet i've felt i've had nothing to say. a relationship has seen a finale. a friendship has not only blossomed - but bloomed. i've dealt with the most extreme feelings of inadequacy and anger and loneliness that i've ever known. and yet i felt i had nothing to say...

but that's me. i've always been closed to the world. i'm the brother and the son and the friend who seldom calls. i'm the man who bought into the spouse-as-best-friend idea, at the expense of other relationships. i'm the ultimate internallizer...

i've spent the last couple months tucking away my very difficult world (with the exception of one amazing friend, to whom i owe an incredible debt of gratitude, who bore the weight of my burden). and the whole time, i've had this outlet. except, i've felt i had nothing to say...

today, i'm making a stab at allowing myself to say something. because i do need it. i need to know that someone, somewhere might see my words. i need to free those closest to me of the sole burden of my pain. and i need to celebrate my happiness. because as much as i want to be someone different - this is who i am. but while i may not be the son or the brother or the friend who calls all the time, i can be the guy with the website in colorado who has something to say...

oh, and i'm doing this triathlon in august and have no idea how to train for it. so, if nothing else, at least i can keep track of my not knowing what i'm doing...

i really do hope i find something to say...