foolish epidemic

a new renovation home...

2007-11-27T11:27:00.000-07:00

i've decided to post the progress of the house remodel on a great site called renovation voyeur. i guess i felt if i was responsible to another blog host, i'd be more committed to updates on the status of our home. my head has been firmly entrenched lately in these projects of mine, and it's inspiring to me to watch what others are doing. so just go to that site and follow the "chris: denver bungalow" link if you're interested...

can you guess what i did last night?

2007-10-16T09:05:00.000-06:00

although i'm certainly a sports fan, i'm not normally one to bask in the glow of the accomplishments of professional athletes. i don't live and die by the games, i follow the games and teams for the entertainment value. there's something about a game - a broncos game on a crisp fall sunday afternoon takes me back to the days as a teenager when i'd listen to the game on am radio with my brothers while tossing the football around, and an matinee baseball game turns my mind to the days i worked on my grandparents farm in north dakota... driving the tractor on the hot prairie and listening to twins games. there's a romance to the games that brings back the joy of the boy i used to be - and still am inside...

last night was another magical moment in what has been a run that has invigorated a city. if you're a baseball fan, you've heard about the numbers and the streak by now - and if you're not, you could probably care less. and while the exploits of professional athletes probably shouldn't bear so much on our collective psyche, there's something about this team, this run, that creates new romance. it doesn't just drum up memories of days gone by, but invokes real joy in the moment. it actually feels like we're living in a movie script, and in the next moment robert redford's going to bust out the floodlights with an impossible hit...

i was lucky enough to go to the game last night with my brother and experience a moment that i knew i'd never experience again. the sheer joy of that place, the improbability of this team's run, knowing that this is the only time we'll be able to experience the first time - it made all those other things that i worry about melt away in the moment. and while we hear a lot about sports' ills and cheating and unruly fans, it's moments like these (and this moment has lasted an entire month) that make you realize why sports capture us. to believe in the impossible, and to watch it unfold in front of your eyes, is something you can't describe. you just have to ride the ride until it ends...

my only regret is that ian isn't old enough to understand what this is all about. because i'd like nothing more than for him to look back when he's my age and remember that romantic and magical run, this epitome of a team - and believe in the unbridled joy of youth...

go rockies. no matter what happens next, you've reignited that belief in a whole lot of souls...

a week's worth of progress...

2007-10-09T09:17:00.000-06:00

the contractor cleaned up and cleared out early last week. framing and drywall complete, and the house ready for my projects. new floors. kitchen cabinet-hanging. painting. trim work. seemingly endless projects - but it beats the heck out of the seemingly endless mess that we'd been living in for 6 weeks...

the floor project began last sunday. i opted to install new wood floors over the existing hardwoods for a couple reasons. 1) the existing hardwoods are nearly a hundred years old and worse for the wear - and in half the house are covered in a layer of tar used to glue down yet another wood floor. and 2) the deal i got on the new hardwoods was just barely more than the cost to refinish the existing floors - with about 5% of the mess...

so sunday, monday, wednesday and thursday nights were floor installation. thankfully and graciously, my brother jeff was there each of those nights to help - which made the work go more quickly and much less painfully. by the end of the evening thursday, we'd managed to complete the floors in the kitchen, living room and dining room. i've still got another half of the house to do, but the renewed availability of those rooms to once again live in has been emotionally uplifting...

progress photos taken from the living room towards the dining room and kitchen

on friday and saturday (again, with jeff's help), the kitchen cabinets went in. i'd never installed cabinets, and was actually surpised by the ease of the process. that is, until you're forced to deal with 95-year old brick walls and sloped floors. it took us several tries to master the connection of the cabinets to the brick exterior wall and - with some sometimes-substantial shimming - the cabinets are all in place...

kitchen cabinets in place

finally, on sunday my uncle came to build a template for my countertops. this uncle runs a home remodelling business, and in partnership with a friend just started a concrete countertop company. as one of his first projects, i'm getting a great deal on a concrete countertop - which will go great with the design character of the kitchen. the countertop will take a couple weeks to fabricate, but i can finally see the end to this kitchen-less existence that we've been living with for nearly 2 months now...

and all that happened in the course of a week. at some point on saturday afternoon i realized that between work on the house and work on, well, work - i hadn't taken time to stop during that week. but seeing everything come together, and finally having the chance to do things with my own hands, has been so rewarding that i don't want to stop. except i know that i'll have to slow down a bit... my body and the rest of my life can't possibly keep up with this pace.

next steps: choosing paint colors, finishing the floors, and trim work.

it always takes longer than expected

2007-09-26T20:23:00.000-06:00

what was supposed to be done by september 14th is only now exhibiting any illumination at the end of a very long tunnel. the contractor - who is certainly not trying to get away with anything, but seriously needs to consider a partner - finally, today, got a room to the point that i have some hope for the near-term use of my house. granted, that's one of four rooms. but a room is a room. and it's all i've had since the day he began work...

it's been a tough month here. since the kitchen, living room and dining room are out of commission, ian and i have been living mostly out of my room (which has served as the temporary kitchen-slash-living room-slash-dining room). ian's room is still in operation, but it's separated from the remainder of the living space by a cloud of pervasive dust. the bathroom? that's where we wash the dishes - our skeleton crew of eating equipment - every single day because of the mess. ian's been a trooper... it doesn't seem to bother him. but for me - it's knocked me down a rung or two both physically and mentally...

the good news? there is a light. i'll take friday off and, after a major cleaning of the living and dining room, start to put down the new hardwoods that will eventually overtake the whole house. i may even manage to get the kitchen floored over the weekend. within the next couple weeks, i should have walls painted and cabinets in and (dare i say) kitchen-stuff put away for the first time in two months. not to mention, as early as next week, furniture. in. my. living. room. (after, of course, a thorough steam-cleaning)...

pictures will come soon. i just want to have an after - and, well, i'm still waiting for the after.

on another note, i'm feeling some need to make a declaration of intent ala bold, just so i have something to hold myself accountable to. because as my mood has gone through this renovation mess, so has my desire to train...

phase 1 - demolition...

2007-09-05T21:17:00.000-06:00

on monday morning, the contractor began work.

monday was labor day, and when his bid came in and he named a start date of labor day - well, i asked if he was sure. he said yes, so i scurried to get all that i could moved out of the four rooms that would see demo and cover all the larger items that wouldn't fit elsewhere. besides that, i had to close off the three remaining rooms that we will have to live in for the life of this project - ian's room, the bathroom (which doubles as dish-washing station), and my bedroom (which also serves as kitchen and living room for the time being)...

the contractor was to show up at 9:00 on monday morning, and when 9:15 rolled around i started to worry. outwardly, i'm not really a big worrier. but on the insides, the worry can turn me upside-down... and since i'm perpetually on-time, the worries begin early and grow exponentially with each minute. by 9:20 i'd tried both his cell phone and home phone and when neither was answered i managed to jump to the conclusion that he'd taken my 50% deposit and moved to montana. by 9:25 i was dealing with the loss and recovering it in my head with personal labor. and when he called at 9:30 to let me know that he was at home depot ordering the materials and had left his phone in the car... well, i felt a little silly. so i waited until he made it here, and then went and celebrated by buying a new tree...

(yes - i know that sounds random. but tree-buying, trust me, is not a random occurence for me.)

today was the wrap-up day for demo... mostly because the very large dumpster sitting in my front yard is set to go to the landfill tomorrow. the lathe and plaster removal turned out to be exactly the project that i hired someone for - meaning, rather than deal with the mess myself, i could hire a contractor to do the job and deal with the mess while i work (dust-free) at my job that will pay for his work. of course, the living here isn't so dust-free - but with some heavy-duty plastic sheeting and a staple gun, life can be manageable...

i really don't have much story beyond that. the demo is done, and framing begins tomorrow. i've got some exposed 95-year old studs (which look so much better than the studs you can buy today), lots of electrical in lines running in conduit (we don't do that any more in residential building), and some exposed (for the time-being) brick that almost makes me want to take the rest of the plaster down. almost.

this is essentially the same shot as the before from the last post, with the arch in the foreground and the missing yellow wall non-existent in the background

while this shot better shows the extent of the demo

and, so as not to be deemed lazy while the inside work is happening, i tore out some unsightly (to me) shrubs from in front of my house - to make way for said purchased-tree...

before

blurry after

remodelling this weblog home...

2007-09-02T14:16:00.000-06:00

and i've made it back. sadly, there isn't anything to report on the training side of things lately. i've made it to the gym fairly regularly, but no races to set goals for (except for the race for the cure in a month - but you can't really have a goal when you're running with 50,000 other people). which is all just fine with me, since i've got another little project that will be taking the bulk of my time and energy over the coming months...

a few weeks ago, i closed on my new house. this was a necessary step in moving things in my life along for many reasons. selling my former house got me out of the financial burden that remained in the settlement of my split with k - a major relief. but the ensuing renting experience made the summer a rough one emotionally. luckily, after just a few months i was able to find a house in a great neighborhood with friends closeby, and for a really good deal...

the house, though. the house is old (built in 1911) and has great bones. but it's going to require some work to get to the point that it feels like it's "my house." the kitchen is amazingly small. the walls and trim have seen their share of wear. the former owner made some questionable painting decisions. and the bathroom - oh... the bathroom. the only room in the house that has a ceiling fan. in the bathroom, you ask? yes - in the bathroom...

i've got big plans in place, starting with the kitchen and easing into the public rooms of the house. before i moved in, i ordered new cabinets and appliances for the kitchen, knowing that if i had the goods i'd be more inclined to start the work right away. i've also ordered new wood floors for the whole house to replace the tired hardwoods that are in today. it's going to be some work for some time, but i'm certainly not afraid of a little sweat equity - and i can't wait to make this place feel like home.

last weekend, my brothers and i began the demolition with the destruction of the kitchen...

(pre-move-in and post destruction photos above)

tomorrow, a contractor begins work on several projects, including:

the demolition of lathe and plaster walls in the living and dining rooms and replacement with drywall

moving the wall dividing the kitchen and dining room to make the kitchen a usable space

reframing the archway between the living and dining rooms to better reflect the bungalow style of the house

and some plumbing and electrical work to bring the three rooms into the 21st century

(the living room and dining room today)

once the contractor has moved on, i'll begin the dozens of finish-work tasks - beginning with the new floors and hanging the kitchen cabinets. eventually, i'll be doing my typical landscape and garden work, will probably build a new garage, and maybe - just maybe - i'll expand upward into the already-roomy attic space. but that's for later... for now, it's all about preparing for the mess that begins tomorrow. and, in lieu of real training news for the next several months, i plan to use this site to track the progress in the house. hope the transformtion is an interesting one to watch...

goodbye...?

2007-07-26T20:41:00.000-06:00

so this may be the end of foolish epidemic. i'm not sure it's the release that i need, and i'm certain it's not the information that anyone else wants. it's not that there isn't anything going on - it's more like there's a ton going on, yet it all seems either so very un-blog-able or un-blog-worthy. i've met some incredible people through this site - but to be honest, i've made those connections through people and not the internet...

sometimes i find myself a little disappointed that i've never really felt at home in the vast blog world. i'm too often disappointed in the words that get published. and i find that i'm apologizing more than posting lately. and none of that bodes well for the dunce-capped guy at the top of the screen...

so it feels like the end. and while i'll keep tabs on all those whom i follow every day - it may just happen through an ip address in your site stats from here. just know that i'm still around, and i'm still listening to those whose friendships i've made through this feeble attempt at blogging...

wherein i say i'm sorry...

2007-07-15T21:13:00.000-06:00

so i have to give some serious shout-out apologies to a lot (okay, a few) people out there in blog land. i can be so lame...

to stronger, my darling sister, because we haven't spoken in a couple weeks, yet she has this thing coming up that will change the state of her life;

to greenfish, because i couldn't make her triathlon today - although i'm incredibly proud of her for competing in tri #3 after signing up only 2.5 weeks ago;

to all you tribloggers who just rocked the triple bypass this weekend. yes, i live in this beautiful, more-than-3-mountain-passes state, and i neglected to offer my local support. i do regretfully offer my weekend with the boy and a flat tire as an excuse;

to curlysu for being a terrible commenter and email friend while you're stuck with a bunch of non-tri musicians in vermont:

and to all of those who get here through another site and click on through because there isn't anything remotely up-to-date or interesting here... my sincere apologies.

the long and twisted road home...

2007-07-02T21:35:00.000-06:00

in the end, they say, everything happens for a reason.

a few months ago, i wasn't very keen on this adage. i'd just gone through four months of trying to sell my house - with countless showings, endless hours of picking up and making sure everything was in its place, the uncertainty of why my house wasn't getting the bite. that followed quickly with three offers in two days, each frustratingly lower than asking price. which followed with a painful resolution of concerns raised by the inspection (these on a house not yet three years old) that wasn't resolved until 9 days before closing...

i'd also just gone through a painful attempt at buying a new house. beginning with an initial offer on a property that turned out - through inspection - to be a bit of a lemon. followed by a signed contract on a place just around the corner for slightly more but with more interesting character and less front door traffic. and finally ending when, the day after the resolution on the sale of my house was complete (and a mere 8 days before our scheduled closing), it was revealed that the sellers lender wouldn't let the sale of the house go through... seeing as he owed significantly more than i was contracted to pay for the house.

which left me a week to find ian and i a place to live.

so i settled on a rental. determined that my sanity needed a break from real estate.

and then a friend of mine told me about a house doors away from his, and an owner who was interested in selling but hadn't gone through the realtor channels, and a rumored asking price that was, well, a bargain...

so a couple weeks ago i left a note in mailbox for the owner. a week later i was looking at the house and making an offer that was satisfying to her and a deal i couldn't refuse. this weekend we signed a contract. and today, after posting an ad for the rental i'm in right now on craigslist just last night, i got a committment to take over my lease from the first person to look at this house.

and while just months ago i was bemoaning my bad luck, it seems things have turned around. we'll be in a great neighborhood near good friends. across the street from a beautiful old grade school, mere blocks from one of the best neighborhood retail districts in the city, and living again in our own place with our own garden and our own front porch facing a future that again holds the promise that some certainty brings...

if there were any doubt that my kid is the cutest...

2007-06-25T10:27:00.000-06:00

... i offer the following photographic evidence for your viewing pleasure.

race report - 5430 sprint triathlon...

2007-06-19T16:22:00.000-06:00

sunday marked my one-year triathlon anniversary. and with it, a repeat performance of the event that introduced me to what will certainly be many years of triathlon.

leading up to last year's 5430 sprint triathlon at the boulder reservior, i was a well-trained tri newbie - meaning, i had trained but really had no sense of what i was training for. i'd spent the previous 6 months preparing for the event - running and swimming and (occassionally) riding the bike - and was in the best shape i'd been in since my collegiate crew days. this year - not so much...

for no good reason, i've been slacking on the training since - well, since the steamboat tri last august. i'm struggling to get myself to do real, consistent training - and when i have, i've concentrated primarily on running. swimming has been a bust: besides a couple late-winter pool swims, my only time in the water leading up to sunday was at wildflower. and save for a ride last weekend with carrie and my dad, my only bike time since september was also at wildflower. i haven't had the committment to training, and i have only myself to blame. and after sunday, that is going to change...

the swim. 750 meters. no big deal, i thought. i made it through double that at wildflower and felt surprisingly great. and i remembered my wetsuit this time. i positioned myself about four rows back in my wave, hoping to stay clear of the mass of flailing limbs that call the swim the worst leg of the event. the start, though, was ugly. sun in my eyes and bodies in every single direction, i struggled to find any rhythm for the first 200 meters or so. and in struggling to find any rhythm, i spent so much energy that - by the turn - i was gasping for air and doing far too much breaststroke. thankfully, about the same time i began passing a few swim caps from the previous wave, giving me a little more motivation to get out of the water. the good news: as opposed to last year, i was able to run out of the water to transistion (about 100m). and, at 15:59,i carved about 30 seconds off last year's swim time - good for a top 1/3 time in the race.

the bike. i actually thought the bike felt okay, although okay for me is a very far cry from the majority of cyclists in this event. boulder is a cycling mecca, and for whatever reason i haven't learned the "it's all about the bike" lesson pontificated by bolder. i simply cannot fathom how quickly some of those people can move on two wheels. and then there's me. i think i passed, literally, 2 people on the entire 17 mile bike course - and couldn't even venture a guess to the mass of bike-humanity that passed me. in the end, though, the bike was awful. to the tune of 3 1/2 minutes slower than last year awful. a measely 17-point-something miles an hour. and 2 seconds under an hour altogether - good for the bottom 20% in the race. i know now that i can't continue to ignore the bike in training...

the run. the run was my chance to redeem myself after last year, when i had to walk several times. i have some trouble with the transition from bike to run in guaging my speed. what feels like a slow plodding pace is actually a pretty brisk one, and i end up killing myself at the beginning. and that's why i have a garmin - to know where i am and control my speed and save energy for the middle and end. of course, in two of the previous three tris, i've forgotten to transition to the run with garmin in-hand. not this time, though, and this saved me. my goal for the run was to do the run - without walking, except through the aid stations in order to encourage the actual drinking of the water. goal accomplished. and that led to a minute and a half improvement over last year - 24:58, 8:02/mile pace. good for top 1/4 in the race.

overall, the bike killed me. i came in 30 seconds off last year's time. and i'm not satisfied with that. i can hang my hat on some improvement in the swim and a good run. but i'm motivated now to get my butt out there and improve. no more slacking, no more excuses. i'll never be a podium finisher, but i can climb my own personal ladder.
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there was some good to the race, though. the people. carrie and the kids came to cheer us on, which i appreciate so much - it means a ton to have someone cheering you during the race and at the finish. and david came along with his boys to spectate and cheer as well. of course, the venerable bolder was there at the finish (after smokin' me on the course), and i had the pleasure of meeting and chatting with sascha and trishannon as well. i continue to be impressed with the quality of the people in the tri-blog community - this is a genuinely great group of personalities. and i appreciate the opportunities to tag along...

one year anniversary...

2007-06-14T09:01:00.000-06:00

it's been a quiet week around here. primarily because my computer at home crashed, and crashed hard. now, there's not a ton of critical, life-changing information on that hard drive. but it does hold all of the photos that i've taken on ian in the past 2 years, as well as my entire itunes library. if it's unrecoverable, at least i turned most of the good ian photos into albums and i can always re-burn the cds. but still. grrr...

on the training side of things, this weekend is the boulder sprint triathlon. last year at this time i was preparing for this race as well, but it was my first tri and i was nervous as hell. i'd yet to do an open water swim, i had no idea what to expect from transitions, and i'd never done a real bike-to-run shift (i'd gone from stationary bike to treadmill at the gym once, but i was about to find out that it wasn't the same as the real thing). i was proud when i finished, even though i had to walk during portions of the run and my swim wasn't exactly the recipe for victory. it was an accomplishment for me at the time...

this time around, there are no pre-race jitters - at least not yet. because i know i can do it. i know what to expect. i'm looking forward to the race, looking forward to a sunday swim and wearing the proper attire and better nutrition (although i am nowhere near having a handle on that aspect of triathlon). i'm just not nervous. and i guess that comes with practice and experience.
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speaking of proper attire, last night's run was - ummm - not my proudest moment. i got home from work ready to do one of the 6-mile loops around the neighborhood - a loop that begins running down the center of a shady parkway and along neighborhood streets for the first 3 miles followed by a loop around the park for the second half. i got my running gear out, put my shorts on, and decided to try running with the ipod for the first time (i haven't tried to run with the ipod because i wasn't sure if the earbuds would stay in). apparently i got distracted by the ipod get-up...

i saw several people along the run over the first couple miles, some who looked at me a little strangely. i didn't think anything of it - after all, i was lost in my music and trying to straighten out what felt like an awkward gait. at about mile 2.5, though, i looked down at my shoulder as i was adjusting the ipod strap and realized there was a sleeve there. except the shirt i had pulled out was sleeveless. which brought me to the embarassed realization that i'd never changed my shirt - and that i'd run 2.5 miles along city streets and past other runners and dog walkers wearing the same collared polo that i'd worn to work that day...

feeling like the world's largest dork, i stopped to take the shirt off, tucked it into my shorts, and completed the run. the only redeeming point that i managed to figure out my fashion mistake before i made it to the park and the height of passing traffic. thankfully, the run was much better than the attire. reminder to self - do not wear a collared shirt to the race on sunday...

making living more comfortable...

2007-06-04T19:34:00.000-06:00

a few weeks ago, i complained that my house felt like less than a home - due, of all things, to paint color (and if you knew your way around the left hemisphere of my brain, you'd understand). so, due the careful planning of carrie, who managed to coax my family into helping me here while she introduced trijack to altitude, i managed to get two rooms painted two weekends ago. which significantly altered my mental state in this place. however, there still existed what was certainly the bane of my sanity here - ian's room...

(apologies to the celebrity blogger crew who has heard this story in great complaintant detail (and who i'm very lucky to have shared dinner with on sunday night.))

the chore for this past weekend was to paint ian's room. a chore i was dreading to no end, because it required a number of painting stages, of which i enjoy exactly zero. you see, the paint job we moved into in his room was worst combination paint nightmares one could imagine (okay - perhaps an exaggeration, but the point remains). a bright orange color, mottled and incredibly splotchy - covering every surface except for the floor. which meant priming everything - priming which nearly made me pass out in the small room with little air circulation. followed by two coats of paint on all the wall surface. followed by the taping of the freshly painted walls to prep for the trim painting. followed by two - and sometimes three coats of white paint on the trim and doors.

all told, the painting required the bulk of the weekend. but it's complete - and the only recovery i needed was the look on ian's face and the joy in his giggle when saw his new blue room. a room that no longer looks like a scary place to walk in to. and a room that makes this house feel more like a home...
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on a different note, if you haven't had the pleasure of meeting and spending some time with them, this post and this post tell you all you need to know about the kind of genuine people bolder and curly su are. i consider myself lucky to have had the opportunity to get to know each of them.

on making a decision...

2007-06-01T21:54:00.000-06:00

i have been accused at times of making decisions quickly. some may think too quickly. but what people don't understand is that into the decisions i make go weeks and months and years of internal contemplation.

seriously. my friends and family joke that i change cars like most change socks. and yes - i've gone through some vehicles in the last few years. but an auto loan is an auto loan - and the likelihood of me hanging on to a particular car for the term of a loan is, in a word, unlikely. so changing cars is not a life-changing decision. and recently it has been a checkbook-saving decision. but people don't get that.

i'll admit. i do tend to make decisions seemingly - what's the best word for this - abruptly. but that's because most of the things i have to decide upon these days are things that impact me and me alone. i'll buy a couch on what seems like a whim to some. but these decisions are hardly made on a whim. because i think about things for a long time before i even realize that i'm thinking about them. i weigh the big decisions - whether or not to spend the money, the time, or the effort - for a long time and almost completely internally. because at this point in my life, these are internal decisions...

and then when i've decided to do something, i do it quick. i know what i like, and it isn't hard for me to choose from the options. and to some, this may seem frivolous. but i am not frivolous. i am deliberate and contemplative. and i am responsible...

and in the spirit of frivolity and deliberateness and contemplation - i've signed up for the vancouver triathlon on september 3. yes, i made the decision quickly. but i've been needing a vacation for a long time. this one's for me...

narrowing down the options...

2007-05-31T20:58:00.001-06:00

thanks to trijack and sascha for the late-season event suggestions. i've spent some time tonite on trimapper.com (which has turned out to be a very useful site), and i'm looking at one of the following:

- the vancouver tri in september
- the montreal tri, also in september - or -
- the chicago tri in late-august

not sure i can get into chicago at this point - they've closed on-line registration, and i'm not sure i want to chance not getting in with mail-in. i'd love to go to either vancouver or montreal. or chicago, for that matter. i have friends moving to chi-town, and could couple the tri with a longer stay there... or i could go see a couple canadian cities that have been on my list of places to visit. or i could do nothing and sit on my butt at home...

and opinions from my vast and decidedly-wise readership?

changes and a request...

2007-05-29T20:55:00.000-06:00

some minor tweaks to the site today. an upgrade to blogger layouts, which makes surfing through my paltry archives more efficient. the use of one of the google reader widgets (the use of which i attribute to curlysu's technical savvy) that allows me to easily point to some interesting reads without actually cutting and pasting a link to a real post (hence allowing me to be even more lazy) - see "noteworthy posts" over there on the sidebar. a font change. heck, i even added a link for the first time in a while - i am perhaps the last bloggist (i don't feel worthy of decribing myself as a blogger) not using bloglines. yet some things remain the same. the same perhaps-confusing header image and tag line (just a product of my enigmatic mind - not a reference to any song or movie as some may have thought). the same stark-white background. and the same sense of not-very-witty self-deprecation...

on a very different note, i'm after some help from the tri community out there. it seems my event schedule doesn't look beyond june 17th of this year - although i'm still contemplating a repeat performance of the boulder backroads half-marathon this fall. i'm thinking of perhaps maybe considering another out-of-state race - preferrably late-summer to fall, olympic-tri or half-marathon, and vacation-like north american destination - but being a relative newcomer, i'm not particularly familiar with the relative merits of the many events out there. so, if any of you out there in blogland have any suggestions - i'm game.

bolder boulder 10k...

2007-05-28T19:53:00.000-06:00

i remember thinking about the bolder boulder many times in previous years, and thinking - that 10k sounds like a long race. must be something to get through it. so i guess it says a lot about where i've come in the last year and a half as a runner and an athlete that today's race never felt like a big deal... just another sunday morning run.

this was actually the first 10k race i've done. yes, i wrapped wildflower up with a 10k and did a half-marathon last fall, but this was my first 10k. and because it was my first, i didn't have a qualifying time to enter for the qualified-time waves - which meant i went with other non-qualified types in a wave well behind all the other blogger types out there today. seriously, no sand-bagging intended bold...

the day was warm, the sun intense, i failed to wear a hat and didn't drink enough water. but it was a good run. i felt pretty good in spite of my continued lack of training (i really have to turn this training rut around). and unlike bolder, i ran faster than my estimated time - although to be fair, i estimated 7 full minutes slower. maybe there's something to be said about low expectation!

for the record, i finished (unofficially) in 51:17, which is about 3 minutes slower than a time that i would really be happy with. so i've got my work cut out for me this summer. at least i have a point of departure - and a qualifying time for next year's run..

when best friends go away...

2007-05-26T20:22:00.000-06:00

tonite has been a tough night for me. ian and i just got home from a going-away party. a party for friends - for a family - who have meant so much to me over the last 9 years...

i first met kathy in october of 1998. i was in grad school and had just landed a great internship. she and her husband greg had just moved to colorado fresh off a year in australia working on the venues for the summer olympics. kathy and i got along, but we weren't close at first - although i respected her from the moment i met her.

fast-forward a couple years. when my boss left our former place of employment and started his own firm, kathy and i were the first to join him, and did on the same day. she and i lived through a lot of work before she left the office a couple years ago...

but my friendship with kathy and greg so far surpasses that. they were two of the few that i still keep in touch with who were at my wedding. kathy is (literally) responsible for my addiction to gardening. kathy and greg were always an integral part of the supper club that we had going for a while. kathy was my lunch companion for years. they were the ultimate dog-sitters, and picked up our pup the night that ian was born (and, hence, were the first to know that ian was on his way into this world). they were there when we buried blu. and they were the first (and only) i called when i discovered k's cheating. for nine years, kathy and greg have been by my side through good and bad...

and now they leave. they're going home - within spitting distance of both families, and armed with some adorable twins. i'd be the biggest, most inconsiderate jerk if i didn't support them. of course i do. they need this. and i've been bracing for this for a while, but still...

for me, this sucks. two people who have been by my side through all the good and the pain of the last 9 years - they're leaving. i've gotten used to people close to me going away, but this is different. because kathy and greg - they are part of me. they are part of that community that i wrote about in my last post. that community that is small and shrinking...

as i wept tonite as we drove away from the party, ian asked me if i was sad. yes, sweetie, i am sad. i'm not, daddy - he said. because he knows only happy times spent with them. and through my child's eyes i realized what we need to hold on to. the happiness of times spent with good friends. because we're not given an infinite amount of time, we have to cherish the times that we have...

when a house is not a home...

2007-05-21T18:41:00.000-06:00

since i moved into my new place several weeks ago, i've been struggling to make it feel like mine. this is a great house with lots of little quirks that also needs plenty of work - except the work that i'd really like to do is more than cosmetic. and since i made the unexpected decision to rent again (after a painful house-selling and aborted-house-buying experience), i'm not exactly at liberty to make more-than-cosmetic changes...

i did get the landlord's okay to do some minor work to the garden and paint the interior of the house. and given my spring-induced need to garden, well - that's been completed. a couple new shrubs, a bunch of new perennials, and the house has a new street presence. unfortuntaley, this is colorado and i'll be long gone before anything has grown to any reasonable maturity. but at least i got to get my hands in the soil...

as for the painting... i'm having a bit more difficult timing motivating myself for that task. yet this house really needs some attention. ian's partially-orange, partially primer-white bedroom is screaming for some attention. the crap-brown living room needs some love. the neon-yellow dining room isn't exactly matching my decor. and the stark off-white kitchen leaves my appetite longing for something more, well, appetizing.

the thing is, i already have the paint. a nice golden rod color (light on the golden, heavy on the rod) has been chosen for the living room. a nice slate blue for the dining room, and a very-boy sky blue for ian's room. and a sage-green for the kitchen. all mixed, purchased, and sitting in the basement.

meanwhile, i just can't bring myself to tape off the trim, move the furniture, and paint. all my framed photos and artwork sit on the floor, waiting for a home on freshly-painted walls. i cringe every time i enter poor ian's room and see the patchwork paint job. and i stay away from cooking in the kitchen because it begs not to be cooked in...

one of these weekends - maybe even weeknights - i'm going to get my butt in gear and start taping. because i know that once i start i'll finish quickly and feel much more at home in this temporary house.

an entourage of one...

2007-05-20T21:02:00.000-06:00

the thing about living in colorado, we've got some tri-blogger celebrities 'round here. and because i happen to be related to one of them, i occassionally have the pleasure of mingling with some of those celebrities. like say, for instance, bolder. it's almost enough to make one part of the entourage...

carrie and bolder came to town and decided to meet at my house, since i conveniently live a couple doors from city park and a nice, shady, 5k+ loop. we managed two loops, with was huge for me. still recovering from the onset of allergy season, i'd been mostly unsuccessful on my solitary runs this week - barely able to make it through 3 miles on friday. but tonite, with the company and conversation and pace of our favorite bloggers, i felt strong throughout the 10k. and that bodes well, considering we've all got this little race next weekend. i think i'm learning that running is much more enjoyable when i've got someone to run with. just need to get out and recruit...

early 30s? funny, you don't look a day older than 26...

2007-05-14T18:10:00.000-06:00

today is the birthday of one of my favorite people in the whole entire world. please, go leave her some comment love and encourage her to get back on the blog train. happy birthday greenfish!

back on the streets...

2007-05-13T18:27:00.000-06:00

feeling a little better today, and beginning to panic because the bolder boulder 10k is just two weeks away and i've got all of three outdoor miles under my belt this year at altitude - i decided to test a new run in the new neighborhood tonite. i'm rarely one to challenge a cold with intensive exercise, but i thought it made more sense today to get out and run rather than rest my lungs for some indeterminant amount of time. plus, we had a nice cloud cover - and that's been rare around here lately...

last year when i ran outside (and trust me, there was nothing before last year), i'd run from work on one of the bike/rec trails denver is known for. this usually worked best for me, since i'd get on the trail right after work, run for 4 or 6 or 8 miles, and head home to relax. now, though, i live two doors from city park (a 3.25 mile loop) and the 17th avenue parkway. i'd tested (badly) the park loop the night before leaving for wildflower, so decided to do the parkway this time...

perhaps because i have the mind of an engineer, i like runs where i can count off the distance using my surroundings - and this out-and-back route was perfect for me. short blocks, moving in alphabetical pairs, a through q. i like to know where i am and exactly how far i have to go when i'm running (i'm still trying to get to the point where running is actually enjoyable - not sure i'll ever manage that!), so this was like a dream...

i should say, that part of the run was like a dream. the rest - not so much. almost immediately, i felt the burning pain of my lungs letting me know that they were not - in no uncertain terms - happy with this heavy breathing thing. my legs felt heavy, and i plodded along at a pace that was well below what i expect of myself. of course, i have those expectations based on a healthy body and the real training of last season. there were a couple good parts, too - i had negative splits and convinced myself to tack on an extra half-mile on the out (also known as "the next stoplight") - and i'm certainly happy i got out and didn't let this cold deny me yet another opportunity to run on a beautiful colorado day.

the coming week is my opportunity to get some miles done in preparation for the bolder boulder, and i'm convicing myself here - in front of this incredibly vast and wise readership (hello carrie - sorry it's so lonely in the foolish epidemic fan club) - that i need to take advantage. if i don't have three good runs minimum in my legs by this time next week, i should be strung up and forced to listen to wayne newton on repeat...

yet another bust in the training schedule...

2007-05-12T16:58:00.000-06:00

i was determined to get to training in earnest this weekend, since the coming month is pretty race-intensive and the only training under my belt is freakin' wildflower. i've got the boulder bolder 10k (with carrie and bolder) on memorial day weekend, and then the 5430 sprint triathlon (again with bolder) three weeks later.

of course, as seems to be the rule in 2007, my body has again conspired against me. i came home from CA to a little boy with a runny nose that soon morphed into a nasty cough, and yesterday it hit me - and hit me hard. phlegm-coated throat, sore and scratchy throat, same nasty cough. and zero energy.

i'm not afraid of self-medicating (at least of the over-the-counter variety), and i'm obsessive about the use of robitussin, tylenol cold, and dayquil to fight off every cold. this time is no different - except i may be more determined to let the low-strength chemicals do their work. i need to get better, because i'm sick and tired (no pun intended) of having an excuse not to train...

with no other races scheduled after june 17 (not yet, at least), this is the time for me to push myself. i just hope my body will allow that to happen...

will all these words make up for the months of not posting?

2007-05-08T19:35:00.000-06:00

i finished.

(does that count as a race report?)
_____________________

on easter sunday, i was at dinner with family when something hit me. i'd been stressed about wildflower coming up because (for a number of excuses) i hadn't managed to do any training for it. and by no training, i mean i'd run a total of about 40 miles in 2007, had accumulated about 3000 meters on the swimming meter since august, and hadn't put my feet on bike pedals since late summer. i still planned on making the trip in support of carrie, and to make myself take some time away from all that's been going on - but it hit me that i didn't need to do the race. they could have my $130. it wasn't worth the stress. the relief at coming to that realization lifted a huge weight...

a week before the race, i still was planning on not competing. i still hadn't made any time to train and i didn't think my body could possibly make the triathlon happen - especially considering the rumorred course difficulty. but slowly i came to realize that the likelihood of staying out of the water might be difficult. i thought - i'll bring the bike and my gear, and if i feel like giving it a shot... well, the worst that could happen is that i wouldn't finish, right?
_____________________

carrie and i hit the road late-afternoon on thursday, excited for the road trip and a chance to catch up on all the family and blog-land gossip. the first five hours went by in a flash (primarily because we had a lot to chat about), and we managed to coincide an empty gas tank with the first town we'd seen in what seemed like 3 hours. after dinner at denny's, it was back in the car for the remaining 5 hours to las vegas. it had been 12 years since i'd been in vegas - which also happened to be at 2:00 in the morning. this time, though, carrie and i blew through 20 bucks apiece before calling it a night...

with plenty of rest, we left vegas late friday morning - looking forward to the five hours left on our trip and sun to see the natural beauty of the nevada/western-california landscape. unfortunately, nothing about that five hours of natural beauty had any merit. five hours became seven, natural beauty became stark, dry, and perpetually gusty moonscape. and chris became grumpy. but we found the race venue, hooked up with the tri-blogger alliance folks, and set in for a wonderful weekend...
____________________

my wave went off at 9:40 on sunday morning. and i went with it. my expectations were low... i knew i'd make it out of the water one way or another, but also knew the bike course was a bear. and because the half-ironman competitors from the day before had described the merits of the run course in great detail (and not very meritoriously), i figured there may be a real possibility that i wouldn't finish. but i intended to give it all that i had, and remind myself why we need to find time to train...

the swim went remarkably well, considering the intense preparation i'd done. i even managed the same pace as the two tris i did last summer, each shorter than the wildflower olympic distance. sighting wasn't a big issue, i only swallowed a couple gulps of lake water. and i had the energy to run out of the water to transition...

and then there was the bike. the first mile - all climb, and not a small one. i'll admit - i didn't make it all the way up... i had to dismount and walk the last 200 meters. not riding the bike for 8 months - maybe not a good strategy for wildflower, in case you were considering it. the bike course was a terrain-packed out-and-back, with lots of granny-gear climbs and fast descents... and while i didn't break any records (okay, i finished in the bottom 25% on the ride), i didn't have to dismount again and i made it back to transition in one piece...

all that was left was the run. i knew the run was mostly uphill for the first 5 miles, with the last mile all downhill (covering the entire climb that we'd done to begin the bike), but i didn't anticipate just what i was getting into. there were hills, to be sure, and then there were hills. i had decided early-on that i didn't have to run the entire course, and it made me enjoy the run that much more. where the hills got the best of me, i simply let them. and even through the walking, i still managed to finish the 10k in under an hour... not something i'd ever be okay with, but in this case it was about finishing. and when i heard my name coming down the finishers' chute, i felt a sense of pride. not in the quality of my performance, but in the knowledge that i had made it. with no training. on that course. my first olympic distance tri under my belt...
____________________

after a shower and packing up our camp site, carrie and i hit the road - both of us anxious to get back home to our waiting kids. 17 hours in the car immediately after a race is perhaps not highly recommended, but we made it. after a whirlwind weekend, meeting a bunch of new and welcoming people, 2500 miles in the car - and a mile in the water, 24 on the bike, and 6 on our feet. it was an experience i won't forget, and don't plan to replicate (well, at least the driving part).
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at the end of the day, this is what i'll take away from wildflower:

the tri bloggers out there are great. curly su, donald, iron jenny, triboomer, trigreyhound, taconite boy, trimama, kahuna and wil - thanks for welcoming me in... it was a pleasure meeting you all.

bolder, you're seriously a terrific guy. huge thanks for your support, and for letting my borrow your brand-new wetsuit. sorry we didn't get to spend more time with you.

carrie, it was a great trip. thanks for encouraging me to do the race - and for making sure i had something to eat. we may be the black sheep, but at least we're the same shade...

living at altitude makes sea-level races do-able - even with no training.

training is critical.

i'm not happy with my result - and that's motivation to get myself back into training mode. but i am proud that i made it through, and did so with a smile on my face.

i'll be back to wildflower, next time much better prepared.

roadtripping...

2007-05-02T21:09:00.000-06:00

tomorrow, i leave on the first real road trip i've been on since college.

back in the day, road trips were the norm. see, i was on the crew team in college. at the university of colorado. yes, we had a rowing team at old cu. in the middle of the high desert. problem was - we were it in the rocky mountain region, meaning every regatta we competed in meant a long road trip...

thers's something about putting college kids behind the wheel and in charge of tens of thousands of dollars of equipment and dozens of lives. but at the time, that's the only way we could operate. we were a club sport (actually, we didn't even have that level of funding) and if we wanted to go anywhere, we had to go it alone. so we drove, hundreds (or thousands) of miles, through the night. to places like des moines. and waco. madison. manhattan (kansas). wichita and kansas city. austin. sacramento.

we were never supposed to be competitive. i joined the team in it's second semester of life, when we literally had only a 30-year old donated wrecked shell (that's "boat" to you non-rowers) that weighed three times what our competitors were racing in, about a dozen rowers... and a whole lot of passion for what - to most of us - was a brand new sport. in my first race, we lost our skeg and never found our balance - but we never gave up, either in that race or for the next three years. and by the time i graduated, we had boats that medalled in both the midwest and western rowing championships. and while almost every other division 1 team was bussing or flying their athletes to races, we were driving ourselves...

and now tomorrow, we drive ourselves again. i don't think carrie understands why this is okay to me. i mean, who wants to drive 17 hours when there are perfectly good flying machines navigating the air space that could get us there in a fraction of the time? but this trip is a reminder of my past. of the days when you went to a race because it was there - and it matterred little where "there" was. of the days when vacation meant packing a big cooler, making fresh mix tapes, and driving to a race with the people that have trained for the same goal... that out of town race.

and perhaps i haven't exactly trained for wildflower... but i'm going to do it (i'll at least *start* it). but more importantly for me, i'm going to roadtrip with my sister to a starting line and a group of people who feel about this race like i did when i was 22 heading to the middle of kansas, and feel - finally - again.

i look forward to seeing all of you cyber-space triathletes at the lake. safe travels...

hold your kids tight...

2007-04-30T21:31:00.000-06:00

tomorrow, a 15 month old is laid to rest.

a good friend of mine lost her daughter on friday morning. two little girls lost a baby sister, and a father lost his love. there was no warning. during the course of the night, the toddler went from playing with her sister to a horrible, inexplicable fate...

it's impossible to find the words to describe the sorrow that i feel for this family. the worst fear a parent could realize. i can't begin to guess how many times i've crept into ian's room late at night, leaning in close - anxious for the sound of a breath. the instinct of protection is inate, and there's no greater fear in my heart than the inability to protect my son. knowing that my friends are experiencing that most basic fear breaks my heart, and leaves me helpless to console.

i know tomorrow's funeral is going to be incredibly difficult to bear. seeing parents say goodbye to their little girl, not being able to fathom the sense of grief and loss that they are experiencing. and realizing that - no matter how protective we may try to be as parents and no matter how intensely (or intently) we love them - we can't control everything... their fate at times belongs to something even larger than we are.

it's not snowing anymore...

2007-04-27T20:37:00.000-06:00

it's been pointed out to me that's it's been a bit since i last posted. and here i'm thinking - it hasn't even been four months yet... what could possibly happen in my life in four months to write about?

i'll give 'em this... a few things have gone down. small things. like i finally sold my house. (does my contracting on a new house, cancelling that contract, contracting on another new house, planning the remodel, discovering that the seller owes much, much more than i was paying and - ergo - his bank refused the sale one week before closing, count as news? nah...)

oh, and i moved into a new house. (do i mention that - given the homelessness threat of aforementioned sale falling though - i had to scramble to find a rental for ian and myself given that one week is a::little too little time to find and close on a new house?)

and then there's this triathlon i'm supposed to do next weekend. (it's called wildflower. somewhere in california - you may have heard of it. i signed up in december, and then came january and february and march and april, and an extended cold and a move and a whole lot of stress and a decision to back out of the race... except that, thanks to my sister'sgentle urging, i won't be able to not compete.)

and then there's this consideration i like to call bealms. (but that's not even a real word, so how interesting could that be?)

i suppose there could be something interesting about my ex-wife's most recent decision (more than parentheses involved there) and my new rug (deep, plush shag) to talk about... but i can save those stories for another day. and really - i am hoping there's another day. because i do need this outlet - and i think it's become a deeper need than the living vicariously through all your lives that i've been doing...

i think i'm back. at least, i hope i am...

another storm spoils the new year...

2006-12-28T12:36:00.000-07:00

a fresh storm is moving in today - before we've even had a chance to unbury all the cars on the road and clear the icy, crater-laden side streets. the forecasters can't seem to decide if it's going to bring us 8 inches or 30 inches - or any number in between, for that matter. however, it's enough snow (and coming from the perfectly wrong direction) to cancel the trip that ian and i were supposed to take to new mexico. it seems that the universe is conspiring against us seeing my mom this year...

for this, it better be another darn good storm. we could use some more snowman and sledding time.

blizzard, redux...

2006-12-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

this was dusk last night. the snow had stopped, but digging-out hadn't begun. today i made it to the office. tomorrow is my birthday. but through it all, there is snow.

blizzard of '06...

2006-12-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

the first photo above is the view from my front porch across our courtyard. that drift runs down the center of the courtyard like the spine of an eel and is nearly 5 feet tall. we had some serious wind last night, so while the accumulation totals may not be great (not quite 2 feet), the drifts can be much more impressive. the second picture is a view out my window to another five foot drift that covers my fence and rosebushes. quite the storm...

i set out late this morning with some neighbors on a trek to the grocery store and to pick up ian. k lives a mile down the road and the grocery store is another couple blocks away, so i threw on the kid backpack, took the snow shovel in case there were any snow emergencies along the way, and we walked through the drifts...

it's the rare day in the city when the snow is enough to paralyze the movement of traffic - but today is one of those days. the streets were deserted of moving cars - but littered with buried vehicles strewn across the streets, unable to make it to their destinations in the storm. human foot tracks provided an unpacked trail, unleashed dogs frolicked in the pure white drifts, and friendly neighbors were dressed in all sorts of ski and snowshoe gear to traverse the temporary landscape. it was a beautiful walk, and - due to the 30-something extra pounds on my back, a shovel in one hand and some groceries in the other, i arrived home with a healthy sweat to watch rudolph the red-nosed reindeer with my little boy...

unfortunately, the blizzard brought a level of loneliness last night that was very nearly paralyzing. but with ian around the rest of the day, hopefully i can fend off the loneliness and huddle inside and out in the pre-christmas storm. and so long as things clear up in the next couple days so that my brother can get in from nyc and my parents and sister make it down from the mountains, we can look forward to the first white christmas in a while...

in search of a good meal...

2006-12-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

in thirteen days i turn thirty-five.

and the thing i want most for my birthday is to have someone buy me dinner. on my birthday. like a celebration. if one were to celebrate thirty-five.

but... well, i know better. no sushi. no chicken picatta. just me and a couple frozen burritos on a saturday night.

at least the next day is crab legs for christmas eve.

thanks...

2006-11-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

thanksgiving is so close. and while i've been dwelling on the bad these days, there's so much that i have going for me to be thankful for...

for my son - numero uno. because without him, life wouldn't hold the wonder that it does every day.

for my family. it's a big one, and i'm the person i am today because of them. all of them.

for my best friend. i have absolutely no idea where i'd be without her - except that i'm infinitely better for having her in my life.

for reasons to be hopeful. lots of reasons.

for a new year. and a fresh start.

for nature. for green. for life.

for the wherewithal to have gotten this far in the pursuit of a healthy lifestyle for myself.

for my health and the health of those close to me.

for good food.

and for love. in its every manifestation.

on the market...

2006-11-18T17:22:00.000-07:00

it's official. the sign's in the yard. the pictures have been taken. the price has been set. and it may not be the best time of year to do this kind of thing (and i know - i've been through it before), but my house is on the market.

blogland, please cross your fingers for a quick sale. i need to move on with this life, and part of that is starting new in a place of my own. a place that can really reflect me.
________________________
on a different note - since i haven't spoken a word about training lately - well, training. for the past couple months it's been running and weights on the weekend only... weekday life has just been too crowded. i may be a little hopeful (or naive), but i'm going to do my best to get my run on another day every week... starting this week. the positive is that the same chris who didn't run one bit this time last year is putting in five to six miles at a time - which is working out to about 45 miles a month. 2005 chris would have called me a lunatic...

down

2006-11-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

not a great time in foolish epidemic land. too many memories, too much stress, too alone. thing is - this is the time of year that i used to look forward to the most. now, it's just a reminder of everything that i don't and can't have.

the next couple months are bound to suck. just hope i can get through them with some semblance of sanity...

i have failed you, oh internet...

2006-10-21T15:20:00.000-06:00

so i haven't posted in a while again. i also haven't set goals and have been making it to the gym in embarassing infrequency. but i do have excuses. which means i have excuses, and no real reasons. ah... what's a guy to do?

excuse no. 1: i'm selling my house. and buying another. seems my "special taxing district" means 3x the surrounding metropolitan property tax. yeah - that's pretty special. and although i've been in the house for nearly 2.5 years, the city just levied that tax. and i have the pleasure of paying back taxes for a year. and - ouch - a tax increase plus back taxes equals unaffordable.

at the same time, though, it allows me to start again on my own. to erase the unfortunate memories that reside in this house. to pay k off and eliminate my debt to her (that isn't due for another 16 months - but early is good, right?), to find a place that is me and mine. there are a hundred stressful things to consider along the way, but it'll be a good thing in the end...

excuse no. 2: i've been lazy. after the race for the cure in denver a couple weeks ago, i've got nothing lined up on the horizon to train for. it's getting cold, nighttime occurs an hour earlier, and i just haven't felt like getting to the gym on weeknights. because i'm a bum...

and that's me lately. a lazy, house-selling, non-posting bum. i will get better - but i will make no more promises to you, internet. i've raised expectations enough already and failed you miserably. i just hope i don't disappear altogether...

a humble return...

2006-09-26T15:23:00.000-06:00

so, it's come to my attention that i haven't updated this site in nearly a month. what, you may ask, could i have been doing for the last month that was more important than updating this site? don't get me started...

- certainly not running. or training, should i say. since the steamboat triathlon i've run a total of four times. bike - nada. swim - nada...

- recovering. last week was all about recovering from a cold that shut me down for a week. ingesting over-the-counter drugs. trying to convince ian to cover his mouth when he coughs. sleeping much more than normal...

- sleeping. like i said - much more than normal. with tons of pressure at work (more than anyone really sees), i've been drained by the time i get home. so sleep starts near 9:00 every night. i've been a sleeping machine...

that's been my month. not training, recovering and sleeping. and working. of course, there was also the boulder backroads half-marathon this past weekend. my first ever distance race... i've never even run a 10k event, much less a half-marathon. but i managed to lace up the shoes after a long cold and little training and ran a race-official 1:54.57 13.1 miles. and it could have been better except for the intense hip-pain that, at mile 11, caused me to stop and stretch out for a couple excruciating minutes. for 11 miles, i managed an 8:28 pace. and then my body fought back...

i managed to finish, though (522 out of 2024), and learned that training for a race of that length is probably pretty important. that it takes more attention than just wanting to finish to finish strong. and i determined that next year i'll go back for a second chance - a chance at redemption that i don't really need. because, for heaven's sake, i just ran 13 freakin' miles. january chris would have scoffed at such an idea...

next step: a plan for the off-season. because i plan to redeem myself at each of the events i did this summer, and add a couple more for good measure. and because if i don't plan, i won't do anything. and if i don't do anything, this site will be silent. and the last thing i want to do is bore the internet...

tri two (in more ways than one)...

2006-08-28T21:55:00.000-06:00

okay. so i'm a competetive mother. especially when it comes to myself. i just deleted a crap race report - because i laid in bed thinking that it wasn't me. i was once (and still am) a decent writer, a decent story-teller. but i've gotten away from what makes me so - and that's the heart of the story...

i've had a painful year and a half. 18 months ago, i was a mess. my wife (at the time) had cheated on me, and i was living with the wounds. i worked my ass of to make it better for us - and she did no work in return. we split up, my spirit broken. father to a 20-month old son, i was a mess...

over time, i worked myself up the ladder of self-preservation. and i had a friend who i leaned on for support and for spirit. she had begun swimming, and our conversations about it convinced me to sign up for a health club membership. and in august of last year, i started swimming again for the first time in 17 years...

in december, carrie asked if i'd like to do a triathlon. i'd talked about it a bit with greenfish, but never really believed i had it in me. but in pre-christmas spirit i thought - why not... and this weekend we did the tri that we talked about so long ago...

the race went well, having my family and my son there with me meant more than finishing ever could. but the entirety of the last 18 months has meant the most to me...

when i discovered i wasn't good enough for k, i knew i was in trouble. because i hadn't had much of a reason to believe in myself in the last several years. in the end, i worked hard to save my marriage, only to discover that it wasn't worth saving in her eyes. and that was a tough blow for a guy who defined himself by his family...

yet over the last 16 months, i've allowed myself the opportunity to regain some sense of purpose. i've always lived for my son, but i've learned that part of that is living for my son - keeping my heart healthy and my mind engaged. i've learned to push my body and to strive for a physical goal - rather than letting age and genetics get the best of me. i've fought my own devices and become a runner and a swimmer and a biker, all while hanging on to the person i most want to be... a good father. and i've come through it all with a better relationship with my sister and an incredible friendship that i'd never thought possible last spring. i've come out of this a better man, and thank god for that..

so the race report... i did well. i am proud of myself. seven months ago, i couldn't run a mile, and yesterday i followed a 3/4 mile swim and 20 mile ride with a four mile run. i improved on my first tri. i raced with my sister. and my son and my father, both smiling and cheering, shared a high-five with me seconds before i crossed the finish line. and today i feel a strength and a self-worth that i haven't felt for most, if not all, of my adult life. please excuse me while i feel good...

three years old...

2006-08-23T16:01:00.000-06:00

i probably need to post about a number of things. a celebrity blogger tri event this past weekend with stronger and bolder. a third-birthday party for my little boy. an upcoming triathlon in steamboat. but i'm too tired to think about writing. so how 'bout a photo of the little man post-birthday to tide you over until race-report monday? okay... you win.

pride...

2006-08-16T21:50:00.000-06:00

seriously. the steamboat triathlon is 10 days away. seriously...

the first (and last) tri i completed was fathers' day. this-year-fathers-day. i was proud. i had a cheering section, thanks to a wonderful sister and her two beautiful kids. it was my first real foray into athletic accomplishment since college. and i felt good. felt good even though i couldn't manage to run the entire 5k. felt good even though the swim was so much less than i thought i had in me. i finished, and i felt good...

this time, not so accommodating. i want to swim the swim. i want to run the entire run. (the bike - eh - i'll get that done, but with ian home four nights a week and my insane work schedule... who has time to ride?) this time, i want to make myself proud. feeling good is not really good enough. proud is where i want to be...

the question is - what makes proud? i don't have a race plan like carrie (and, for the record, i really don't care if she beats me - because if she does it means that she's done pretty damn well). i've never been the guy who lives by his athletic ability... i depend on my determination. when i was in crew in college, i was immediately pegged as the coxswain. so not only did i become the conference's best coxswain, i was also the bow seat in the second varsity boat - the seat whose technique dictates the balance of the shell. for my entire athletic life, what i've lacked in size and brawn i've made up for in technique and style...

so what makes me proud? style. technique. determination. i have no presumptions of ever being a top 10-percent finisher. i don't have time. frankly, i don't have motivation. but i am motivated to see improvement from my own body... a body of which i have asked little of in ten years that i am suddenly putting through the rigor of training. i am motivated to complete a 1200 meter swim in open water. i am motivated to transition from bike to run and push my body to complete a 4-mile run - following the 20-mile ride and 3/4 mile swim - that i couldn't contemplate 7 months ago. and i am motivated to finish this triathlon with the motivation to continue the training that i've been doing, to maintain a healthy heart and a confident mind. motivated to dedicate myself to a long life of living. for my son, for my family, and for myself...

what makes me proud? happily, i can say - no matter where i finish in steamboat - what gives me pride is me.

inked...

2006-08-09T13:04:00.000-06:00

because greenfish is going to shoot me if i don't post one of the photos that she so generously took - here's the new ink addition. the character of the artwork turned out at least as good as i had hoped - and i'm very pleased with it.

carrie, i don't think i need to stress that this is confidential in an internet-confidential kind of way. i'm still afraid of letting down my parents. this was a personal healing decision for me, though, and one i'm happy that i made. it holds a lot of meaning for me, and meaning is something i've been searching for a lot lately...

mistletoe looks good...

2006-08-05T22:07:00.000-06:00

when the artist is amazing. story and pictures to come later...

i'm typing this post with ice on my knees...

2006-08-02T20:55:00.000-06:00

this morning, i wasn't even really all that sure i was going to run today. i packed my gym bag just in case - and i was pretty confident i'd do something. but i had no idea what. and absolutely no intention of doing what i did...

the longest i've ever run was a few weeks ago when i decided to do 10 miles fairly out of the blue. the run wasn't easy, but i made it through. and based on a level of confidence akin to that of a 20-year old college kid with enough liquor in him to kill a horse, i signed up for a half-marathon a couple days later. and since i started running in february, my average run distance has gone up (from about 5k per for the first few months, to 4.5 miles per in may and june, to about 10k in july). but i hadn't reached (or tried to reach) double digits again...

until tonite.

i set off with the intention to run to a point and back. i knew the 10 mile turnaround from having done it before, and there's a major intersection down the path a bit that i was running to. i figured it was another half-mile or so, so 11 miles was about the goal when i began. but as i ran, i kept convincing myself that 11 miles wasn't enough... 12 sounded so much better. so i was running for 12. and, of course, once i thought about that a little more i figured - what's another half-mile or so to the turn? i can totally do 13-point-1. so that's what i did...

now - granted - i did have to stop once to stretch at about mile 10. and i walked another minute and a half at mile 11.5. but i made it. half-marathon distance, a full seven weeks before the boulder backroads race. my knees are stiff as hell, i'm a little disappointed that i had to walk a bit of it. but six months ago i wasn't running, period. and today i ran way too far for my own good. well, for my knees' good. because my mind feels a wonderful sense of accomplishment...

overall: 13.1 miles, 1:53.42

back in the saddle...

2006-07-30T15:30:00.000-06:00

for the better part of a week, i was a little too sloth-y for my taste. wasn't feeling particularly well (phlegmy throat, and worried that i was coming down with the same bug that knocked me out for nearly two weeks after the tri), had too much other stuff on my mind, and it's stupidly hot - not a good recipe for me and training...

but this weekend has made me feel quite a bit better. yesterday was a run on the treadmill (thank goodness for the childcare center at the gym - otherwise, yesterday would have been nothing). 8.1 miles, 64 minutes - a good run, felt strong, and considering i hadn't run since sunday eight miles felt pretty good. could have gone farther, except i plugged 64 minutes into the computer to begin the run and i was pretty much stuck with it.

this morning i woke up, got my bike gear together, and headed out for a bike-swim-bike workout. the ride to the reservoir (12 miles) was uneventful if not annoying (thanks to a mysterious squeak of the rear tire), but felt good, and the water was amazingly pleasant. swam a 6 x 300, and really didn't want to get out of the water - with no crowds and the heat coming, it felt like heaven. back on the bike (and the way back is less strenuous than the way out) until five miles in, when the rear tire went flat. it was the second ride in a row that the rear tire pooped out, at just about the same spot. thankfully i learned from the last time and came prepared with a new tube. the change wasn't particularly quick - my old bike has some incredibly tight tires - but i got it done. and a ton of people offered help as they passed, which (after carrie's recent experience) helped to restore some faith in humanity...

after the run i got showered and headed out to a bike shop. i've been riding the same lemond reno for 8 years, and it's been a good bike. but lately, it's felt heavy and perhaps a little unreliable. i've gone bike shopping several times in the last couple months, but never pulled the trigger. today, though, i did. and i'm now outfitted with a new speciallized allez sport. still on the entry side of the road bike market, but i can't justify spending much more. and i've got a new ride that should only motivate me more to train...

true love...

2006-07-26T23:11:00.000-06:00

i'm at a point. a point that i'm afraid of a lot of things. so many things weighing on my mind, and so little outlet. even this site can't be an outlet for some things. but one - one i guess i can let go...

parenting. i'm afraid of it. not because i don't know what to do (well, i don't. but who does?). not because i don't think i can raise my son to be a good person. not because of so many of those things that the world would think a dad would be afraid of...

i'm afraid of my son not understanding how much i love him.
_________________

i didn't have the smoothest of childhoods. i lived with my mom for 10 years and rarely saw my dad. then i lived with my dad for 8 years and rarely saw my mom. i adored my mom - she was the person i knew for so long - and i couldn't see her flaws. my dad and i fought for a long time - i was the oldest, i wasn't perfect, there was always the threat that i could be shipped back to life with my mom. my dad told me one day when i was in my early teens that my mom didn't really want me, but that's the way custody worked out. it broke my heart. and from where i stand today, i suspect he regrets it...

it wasn't until the second semester of my junior year of high school that my dad and i finally got along. i don't know why it worked out that way - all my friends were going in the opposite direction with their parents. but at that point, i felt like i had finally made it... made it to the family - no threats, just love. and acceptance. but mostly love...

now please don't get me wrong. my dad is a great man. perhaps not the best at expressing emotions. but he is a rock. he went through the infidelity just like i did, and he never mentioned it to me. and he is the man that i want to be...

except for one thing. and this is what i'm afraid of when it comes to ian...

i remember my high school graduation day very well. the ceremony is cloudy. the after-party cloudy too. what i remember clear as a bell is coming home from the ceremony and walking in the door and my dad greeting me at the top of the stairs. he said to me: "i'm proud of you and i love you." and that is the first memory i have of my dad telling me that he loved me...
_________________

i tell ian that i love him every day. so many times that some people might think i'm over-parenting. that i'm soft. but, dammit, i love that kid. love him more than i am capable of loving, it seems. yet i am afraid, day after day, that he's not going to understand that. being a single parent is a lonely and frightening thing - but moreso, i think, when you were raised that way. and i don't make up for that by showering ian with gifts or feeding him bad food. i do get mad, and i do discipline. but above all else, i remind him incessantly that i do, in fact, love him...

and i'm still afraid that it's not going to be enough.

volunteer duty...

2006-07-17T15:47:00.000-06:00

yesterday was my second triathlon. well, my second triathlon experience. my first was the father's day triathlon i completed just a month ago. my second was as volunteer for the denver danskin triathlon...

i decided to volunteer for the race for several reasons. one, i sincerely appreciated the volunteers at the boulder sprint tri and their water-bearing cheerfulness. two, my incredible friend greenfish was participating - in her very first triathlon - and i wanted to be there to offer moral support. and three, the race supports breast cancer research - a cause i am enthusiastically behind...

i was originally assigned to the finish line, which meant passing out water, draping medals over finishers' heads, and snipping off timing chips. as the first winner came nearer and nearer the finish line, though, more and more volunteers showed up for the finish - clogging the area even before any of the 2,300 athletes crossed the line.

in a fit of wisdom, the organizers decided to relocate a few of us to points along the run course. it was a sweltering, cloudless day (temperatures hovered near or over 100 degrees for most of the day), and the fear of dehydration convinced the organizers to locate volunteers at points along the run course in case there were any emergency situations. armed with only a couple gallons of water, i stood in the same spot on the shadeless out-and-back course - one mile from the finish - for four hours, until the last of the participants had passed...

it was an amazing experience. yes, it was warm, but it was nothing compared to the gratitude expressed by so many of the athletes. i can be a fairly emotional person, and watching as each woman ran or walked by both out and back - either for themselves or in honor of another, to prove they could make it or to improve on a previous result - i felt a tremendous amount of respect for the race, for the event, and for every woman who passed. and while i'm not exactly an out-going, rah-rah type guy, i gave encouragement to as many of the 2,300 finishers as i could. because with a mile left, i was the last red shirt they'd see until the finish line...

i'll never forget the appreciation in the looks of so many faces. i'll never forget the smile on greenfish's face as she ran by on the way out and the way in. and i'll certainly volunteer again...

and speaking of greenfish... i won't steal her thunder by posting her results. but i will say that i was incredibly proud of her as she ran by, grinning from ear-to-ear. i knew she could do it. but i don't think i expected (nor did she) that she'd do as well as she did. while i was standing at my post, i heard the din of the names of the finishers as they crossed the line all morning - and just a din as all the names were foreign. but when greenfish crossed i heard her name clear as a bell - and a big fat grin broke across my face...

too much on my mind...

2006-07-10T22:11:00.000-06:00

i have way too many thoughts to adequately focus on any single thing. so here goes:

i went clothes shopping yesterday. clothes shopping has been incredibly frustrating lately, as no clothiers seem to make a mens' waist size less than 30 inches these days. i've written about this before. and it sucks. i'm reduced to wearing shorts with holes, because i can't find anything that fits. and i'm not that freakin' small! frustrating...

but i had some luck at the gap this weekend. my first new pair of shorts in a couple years. even some good jeans. still nothing i can wear to a meeting at work. but something. and i've been wearing the same size for 15 years - except now i'm somehow an inch smaller in the waist. and five pounds heavier. damn that working out!

the neighbor's house is "under contract." which mildly reduces the pain of k's parents movin a half-mile away in less than a month. and, apparently, k moving a mile away in the other direction the same weekend. oh lord...

tattoo update: none really. that comes tomorrow, when i meet with an artist. we'll see - i want to trust someone to do what i'm looking for. otherwise, no ink...

ian's out of town this week. which sucks. the sleeping in is nice, but the difference between 6:30 and 7:00 does not make up for the absence of his smile. he left yesterday morning, and my - how i miss him...

i still can't slow down, although i'll keep trying. i set off on a 5-mile, easy run tonite - and went out at a 7:48 pace. somehow, two miles later i ran 7:30. this was not what i wanted to do. i managed to push myself to a 10k, with an average split of 7:58. but i wanted more along the lines of 8:30. i'm a stubborn, competetive idiot. oh well - next time...

entering psychosis...

2006-07-07T21:55:00.000-06:00

so i'm feeling a bit psychotic...

last year at this time, i was dealing with a separation and pending divorce. mediation - which, despite not having to pay exhorbitant lawyer fees (although i still spent 1500 bucks) - sucked. k was an exercise nut... over the top. and i was enjoying the peace from her nagging. meaning i was doing exactly nothing. enter august, though, when greenfish's exploits in the swimming pool convinced me to take up a childhood activity and a gym membership. followed by carrie's challenge in december to do a triathlon. and here i am...

today i signed up to do the boulder backroads half-marathon. if you've read this site (i know, that's you carrie and ashley), you know that i was never a runner. didn't actually pick up running until february - and that was only because i was doing a flippin' triathlon in june. never thought running was remotely fun and was never remotely motivated to run. and here i am, signed up, $65 dollars out-of-pocket, to do a half-marathon. in september. four weeks after tri number two...

semi-psychotic. but thanks to my training partner, my motivator, some footwear advice from everyone's favorite blogger, some inspiration, and a desire to prove to myself that i can do it - well, i'm gonna do it. and after last night's run, 13.1 doesn't seem unrealistic...

although psychotic is pretty close...

mission accomplished...

2006-07-06T19:24:00.000-06:00

tonite was the real breakthrough. 10 miles, outside, 8:28 pace. i wanted to force myself to run at a bit slower pace (8:45ish), but i need to allow myself to practice this and get better. as it is, this is easily my furthest run and longest run (1 hour, 24 minutes). and while i started feeling it the last couple miles, i really felt pretty strong the whole way. next goal - half-marathon. and after that? i've never felt remotely compelled to run 26.2... but who knows? i've surprised myself quite a bit over the last 11 months...

downside? blisters. one, two, three new blisters. perhaps i should get something better than my 30-dollars-on-sale running shoes...?

learning self-control...

2006-07-05T15:55:00.000-06:00

i'm home today. or, rather, not at work today. ian's day care decided they needed a five-day holiday weekend, so i have to pleasure of a mid-week full day with my boy. it's not often we get these outside of the weekend, and we're taking full advantage. ian's highlight? a new bike helmet. my highlight? lunch...

i did manage to get a good run in this morning, althought not the distance run outdoors that i've been wanting to do (but conveniently not getting around to). but it was kind of a breakthrough run for me nonetheless...

see, i have a difficult time monitoring the speed of my runs. i seem to feel i have to run - fast - for the run to be worth it. and the speed that i can't seem to restrain limits my ability to go for distance - which means my long distance to this point is seven miles, and i'm usually in the five-mile range for a "long" run...

but i realized last week, running with greenfish, that a slower cadence equals a greater capacity for distance. that if i run in the range of 9-minute miles rather than 7:30 miles, i can probably run for a much longer - and much more fulfilling - distance. i know this is preaching to the choir, i know it's common sense, but i just haven't been able to back off...

until today. today i didn't push it. i set the time on the treadmill, i ran at a moderate pace, and i felt i could go forever. and it's not that the overall distance was anything to write home about - but the feeling right now that i could actually go out for another run today or go for a long-distance run tomorrow is pretty rewarding...

back on the bike...

2006-07-02T16:29:00.000-06:00

the diagnosis from the doc was allergies. relief - because i didn't want some respiratory bug knocking me out. but discouraging in a way - because my allegies have never manifested themselves in the form of a gutteral, phlegmy, rib-bursting cough. don't really want to look forward to this every june, but deal with the cards you're dealt, right?

today i got out for the first real activity since the triathlon (not counting thursday's run with greenfish which was encouraging because i wasn't affected by the cough). the afternoon skies turned cloudy and the heat backed-off a little, so i managed to get out for a 30-mile ride. it felt pretty good, although by about mile 23 i was beginning to struggle, and at mile 24 i discovered a slow leak in my rear tire (with no spare) that had me stopping every mile on the way in to add air. all told, though, it felt great to get out and do something. hopefully this is the kick-start for the new training regimen that gets me to the steamboat tri in about 8 weeks...

i'm probably overreacting...

2006-06-27T21:26:00.000-06:00

i feel handcuffed. bound by this cough that i can't explain and i can't make go away. i haven't been able to do anything physical over the past week and a half, and the cough isn't dissipating. so i've gone in a direction i'm not all that comfortable with - and tomorrow morning i'll see a doctor. because i fear some level of pneumonia now, and that can't be a good thing. and i am never the hypochondriac...

a different kind of training...

2006-06-27T09:29:00.000-06:00

the updates, they haven't been happening...

the cold that i wrote about in the last post? it's lingered. lingered now for - oh - two weeks. a deep, from-the-recesses-of-the-lungs cough. allergy-related nasal issues. fatigue. the race set me back a good week in my recovery, i fear. and since the race there have been exactly zero work-outs, knowing full well that any heavy cardio activity is only going to extend this cold. i'm cranky and generally not-much-fun to be around. cold, cold - please go away!

on a much different note, however, ian is in the midst of a life-changing event. an event that, when completed, will result in fewer necessary hand-washings on my part, and (i fear) an increased amount of small-load laundry washing. yes - potty training has commenced...

frankly, i've been dreading the potty training thing. i don't mind changing dirty diapers, really. and i have no clear idea how to go about doing it. carrie swears by the m&m method of training - with the results to prove it - but i'm not yet ready to use bribery. i'm counting on the peer-pressure and day-care-teacher-as-motivator methods. passing the buck - i know. but hey - they're practiced, right? today was ian's first trip to school wearing underwear - and the first thing he did was show one of his little buddies his scooby-doos. pride as motivator can't be a bad method either, i suppose...

and there was beer at the finish...

2006-06-18T20:52:00.000-06:00

before i get into the race, thanks to all who sent good thoughts my way. and thanks especially to carrie, who not only sent most of the well-wishers in my direction, but also brought her beautiful kids (with encouraging signs in hand) to the race and made it a morning all the more memorable for me...

so today was my first triathlon. well, sprint triathlon. but c'mon - seven months ago, i hadn't really considered doing a race like this. i mean, greenfish and i had talked about it last summer, but i never really expected to do one. then my sister convinced me to give it a go. and i'm thrilled that she did...

i hadn't been feeling well for several days leading up to the race. allergies and a sinus cold conspired against me at the same time mid-week, and i've been a ball of phlegm ever since. i woke up this morning (at 5:00!) feeling better than i had in days, though, which was a welcome sign. and feeling rested, i headed to boulder. to the same reservoir i'd been on hundreds of times when i rowed crew in college - but had never been in, ready for a challenge that i was about to undertake...

the day was perfect. no wind, not too hot. i headed out with the fifth wave, swimming directly into the sun. i'm not sure the swim portion is something a first-time triathlete can adequately prepare for. the bodies, the flailing arms and legs, the opacity of the water. add to all that the invisiblity of the buoys due to the blinding sun, and the out leg of the swim was daunting. stroke, stroke, breath - crap another leg. stroke, stroke, breath - who's climbing up my ass? stroke, stroke, breath - where's the frickin' buoy?!

i managed to finish the swim (exhausted - was there really more?!) and ran to the transition to get on the bike. after taking my time in t1 (3:30ish), i mounted the bike and headed out for what i knew was a steady climb for the first 5 or 6 miles (thankfully, i had driven the course the day before). the good news, though, was that the rest of the bike course was some great declines with only a few small inclines along the way. and while i felt strong on the bike, due to the fact that the race was in boulder (and boulderites are, well, bikers by nature) i was getting passed left and right. thankfully, i didn't care. i felt good and that was what mattered...

t2 was another slow transition, and i could have used more time... because the run was tough. maybe it was because i couldn't manage my pace very well, but i had to stop and walk several times during the course of the run. still, i managed an 8:30 pace, and a sprint to the finish. overall, my time of 1 hour, 45 minutes was exactly where i thought i'd be. and i made it through. i am now a triathlete...
_________________

my next race is in august, a race i'm doing with stronger. i learned today what i need to work on for that race. more open water swims (i had none under my belt before today) and more distance swim training. transitioning from bike to run in real conditions - not indoors. and hopefully staying cold- and phlegm-free the week of the race. but i also learned today that i can do it, that i don't have to fear the triathlon, and that taking your body to the next level is worth all the effort...

results...

2006-06-10T13:46:00.000-06:00

this morning was my first official 5k race in something like 7 years. i didn't know what to expect results-wise going in - only hoped that i'd run a decent pace and see what it was like to actually run with other people. no high expectations - just a chance to run around the neighborhood and guage my improvement since i began running in february...

of course, 30 minutes before the race began, k called and let me know that she was running as well. i knew that she was going to be all about kicking my butt. she's a running veteran, an exercise junkie. i figured i may have a chance to beat her. but i knew that she very well might take me. i wasn't going to let her race dictate mine - don't need to be ultra-competitive with the ex-wife...

the first quarter mile or so was spent getting past much of the throng on the narrow path, and i felt like i had a good stride going - if not a little too fast. i had the garmin on, but only used it to let me know my pace at the end of each mile. about a half-mile in, k pulled up beside me with a "what's your pace" comment and ran on past - definitely happy to be overtaking me, i'm sure. not a big deal, i thought. let her go...

the garmin rang at the one mile mark and read 7:17. good pace for a first mile for me - certainly race-pace. the course was pretty hilly (well, hilly for an old airport in denver) and i tried my best to power up the hills. definitely a good idea to run the 5k today before next week's triathlon...

at about a mile and a half, i managed to move by k - she didn't really fall back as much as i had picked up the pace. when the garmin alerted me that the second mile was complete, i looked down to see that i had managed a 7:04 split. good time for me, yes, but it took a lot of juice out of me. the final mile was going to be a rough one...

i spent the last mile just trying to hold pace with the people in front of me. the garmin rang at mile three (7:27) - i was relieved to have kept it under 7:30. the last tenth (actually two-tenths) was a slightly higher pace finish. i was out of energy, but pleased with the race. my actual 5k time of 22:40 was better than i had hoped for. and my official race time of 23:13 was good for 18th place overall (out of 140 total) and 5th in my old-man age group (out of 25). i didn't imagine i could finish that high, so am very pleased with the run...

and k finished 10 seconds behind me. but first in her age group. must have been bittersweet...

counting down...

2006-06-08T21:38:00.000-06:00

tonite was my last big workout before next sunday's sprint triathlon in boulder. i kind of feel like an amateur (oh wait - i am an amateur!) for tapering for a sprint triathlon, but i hear that's what i need to do. so taper it is...

because the weather was crummy tonite, i went the indoor route - 17.2 miles on the bike (50:50) followed by a 5k on the treadmill (23:40). and i made it. with energy to spare. will i be able to do the triathlon? unless i drown - yes. and i won't drown. i've been swimming since i was eleven...

the tapering begins tonite. i'll go for a swim tomorrow (1500 meters = 2x the tri). i've got a 5k race in the 'hood on saturday - followed by a 1k fun run for the kids that ian and i will do with my sister and her girls. sunday is going to be all about fixing up my brother's house to sell (he's selling long distance from nyc and has enlisted the help of his brothers - keep that futon available, bubba!). and then there's pre-race week. a couple 5k jogs, a trip to omaha (which will include zero high-humidity work-outs, i promise), and a short swim. then sunday...

the best part of sunday? it won't be finishing the race - i'm confident that i'll do fine, and i'm certainly not going out there to win. if stronger comes to watch, that'll be a very close second. but the best part will be coming back home to spent a well-deserved father's day afternoon with the best kid a dad could hope to have. and maybe a sister to stick around and share it with us? (hint, hint)

the best photo EVER...

2006-05-30T08:49:00.000-06:00

seriously. how adorable is that?!

i haven't felt much like writing lately. haven't felt much like working out lately. haven't really felt like doing much of anything... except hanging out with the boy. we dusted off the bike trailer this weekend and spent two days exploring the parks and the pools in the neighborhood. he exhausted me and the play exhausted him (to the tune of two naps both saturday and sunday - unheard of these days), and we had a wonderful weekend. it was a beautiful kick-off to summer...

exploring his way toward three...

2006-05-22T12:49:00.000-06:00

i've always loved this time of year - the change of seasons from winter to summer, the extended evening daylight, the emergence of the plants from their long dormancy. but this year, the joy of the spring evening is greater. greater because of the discovery of a nearly three-year-old mind...

ian's curiosity is at a peak these days, seemingly on the same schedule as the warming of the weather and the greening of the landscape. his tricycle, which got little to no use last year, is a machine for exploring the neighborhood. his eyes scour the ground for insects, the air for flying creatures both manmade and organic. give him a ball - any ball - and the world all around is his playground...

friday evening was as perfect a time as i've had as a father. ian discovered his first grasshopper and first roly-poly in the same evening. his joy and interest and wonder were absolutely contagious. i caught myself looking toward every new experience he'll have this summer and wanting to make sure i'm there to share it all...

the love of family...

2006-05-15T08:24:00.000-06:00

my youngest brother got married this weekend. beautiful wedding, beautiful bride, an incredible amount of family pride and family love. ian was the ringbearer - and made me a very happpy daddy when he sprinted down the aisle to be in my arms. i suspect that if you asked the bride and groom, they'd say it was a perfect wedding. it certainly was from my vantage point...

this is a tough post to write, because i don't want to make a beautiful day about my own feelings. but the weekend wasn't without it's difficult moments. i had a bout of emotions during the reception, emotions that caught up with me over the course of the weekend. it was the first wedding i've attended in the last eight or ten years that i attended date-less. i stood at the altar with both of my brothers - each of whom was in my wedding and i theirs - and felt pride for them and disappointment in my lot in life. none of the expanded family asked about k or my situation, but i wondered what or if they were thinking about it. it was a celebration of a beautiful couple, and i couldn't help at times but feel out of place in a small but acute way. when i did fall into a brief self-pity episode during the reception, though, i found help climbing out from carrie, a wet-eyed dance, and reassurance from a sister who knew in her own way what i was going through. thank you, carrie. it meant more than you know...
______________

on a different note: happy birthday yesterday to my dear friend greenfish. it was a kick-ass birthday week, it was fun celebrating you, and it wasn't ridiculous in any way! i think i speak for the rest of the office when i say we can't wait until next year...

saturday treadmill 5k...

2006-05-06T17:02:00.000-06:00

it's been a bit since i've posted stats about a run... mainly because i used to feel proud to make it 5k, and that's become a short run (and an unusual run) for me now. but just for kicks, i ran a 5k for time this morning:

mile 1 - 7:11
mile 2 - 6:56
mile 3 - 6:49
5k total - 21:37
_______________

on another note, i got some new bike shoes and pedals today - since the ones i've had for eight years now don't seem to get along anymore. i'm starting to feel some urgency about the boulder sprint triathlon, as it's only 5 weeks away. i still haven't booked a wetsuit, and i've never swam in one before. think i better get that taken care of soon!

the miracles of childbirth and of friendship...

2006-05-02T21:49:00.000-06:00

late last night, two of my best friends had twins. their first children. and i can't really explain the impact on my life...

i've known kathy and greg longer than i've known k. kathy started as a salaried employee at my last job about 3 weeks before i began my internship. she and i joined current office on the same day - the first two hires. we've been close friends for a long time now. in time, i've grown nearly as close to these two people as is possible for me. they were at my wedding. their dog was best friends with my first dog. they were the first people i called when i found out about k's cheating. they've been there through it all...

but today is even more special to me than all the friendship can describe. because two weeks before i found out i was going to be a father, i learned that kathy was pregnant. and less than a week after i found out about ian's conception, kathy had miscarried...

our chidren would have been weeks apart in age. they'd have grown up together - best friends by birthright. except kathy's body betrayed her. she and greg spent years and thousands of dollars trying to conceive again. all while ian grew into a healthy and happy little boy - and they always treated him like a nephew...

finally last year - in what they called the last chance - in vitro fertilization worked for my friends. and worked twice as well. and today, i met those two little healthy kids who have no idea how blessed they are with the parents they have. parents who have stood by me through every little and big thing i've been through in the last eight years. parents who got me addicted to gardening through their own prowess and who showed me what love should be between two people. and parents who - along with my family and one other very important person - have taught me the value of conviction and love and real, REAL friendship...

ian knows kathy and greg as aunt kathy and uncle greg. i only hope that i can be considered uncle chris to tommy and ginny. i can't think of much right now that could make me more proud.

i love the miracle of childbirth. i love it even more when it happens to deserving people...

the runner in me...

2006-04-25T19:56:00.000-06:00

i've not said much lately about the training - or, rather, the running as the case is. not because i haven't been pleased with my runs. and not because i haven't enjoyed my runs. i just can't talk about running all that much...

for a guy who had run all maybe 50 miles in the eleven years since i got out of college, it's been a good several months for me. i'll hit 40+ miles in april alone - and while i know that's not a lot for many runners out there, it's a big number for a person who never has cared for running. i've discovered that i can consistently run 8 minute miles outside (without the benefit of a treadmill to pace me), that i seem to have contained the knee problems - at least for the time being, and that i can run miles without getting horribly winded...

and the best part - once a week, i have a running partner. i'm a work-out-alone type of guy, typically. but i look forward to my weekly runs with greenfish. someone to talk to. someone to push and to push me. someone to share the happiness of finishing a run...

i'm getting used to this running thing. and it's getting used to me. now, if only i could coax myself back into the pool...

easter action...

2006-04-16T12:54:00.000-06:00

today was my first official easter as head-bunny. ian woke up at 6:30 - later than i figured he would - and the first thing he said to me when i walked in his room was "easter bunny" with a big tooth-filled grin his face. we walked downstairs, where he discovered his easter basket complete with frog sunglasses, and then it was off to the easter egg hunt in the front yard...

it's a beautiful day here and, while i wish we could be with the rest of my family at my parents' house, we're having a great day...

the welcome signs of spring...

2006-04-11T08:35:00.000-06:00

the rumors had been circling. a neighbor down the block first told me last weekend. and then k - of all people - told me yesterday that the neighbor across the courtyard had told her. and last night, in the twilight of a beautiful colorado spring evening, the rumors became real...

the neighbors are selling their house. that is - the neighbors are selling their house...

the neighbors are the family of four whose front door sits not more than 50 feet from mine. nice woman, a couple cute kids - including a little girl i figured would end up being ian's girlfriend one day. what i didn't figure was that her dad would be my wife's "boyfriend" for some time...

from the day i found out about the affair, the neighbor has been there like an ogre lurking in the shadows (actually, i think i've described him before as the elephant in the corner). during the colder winter months, it's pretty bearable - since folks in the neighborhood are rarely outside. but during the warm months and long days, the reminder of a life i once lived and lost spends a lot of time outside in what is effectively my front yard. and while i'm past the bulk of the pain associated with all that went down, the discomfort of having the proverbial thorn in my paw always within whispering distance has been unpleasant to say the least...

and then, yesterday, the sign went up. and in that instant the spring sun felt warmer, the colorado sky blu-er, the budding trees budding-ier...
__________________

of course, the good news simply serves to offset the other news i got last week. because while one goes away another comes back...

k is moving back to the neighborhood. and that - combined with her parents also moving in - is likely fodder for many a post here. but none of that happens until summer. so for now, i'm going to enjoy the spring...

a glimmer through the dark...

2006-04-04T20:19:00.000-06:00

that chris-is-busy post from a couple weeks ago? yeah - i had no idea back then what busy meant. good news is that light at the end of the tunnel is only two weeks away. bad news is that i've got about 2 months worth of work to do in that time. ouch...

on another note, the knee continues to bother me. it gave out on me 3.2 miles into a 4.5 mile run on sunday... barely made it home walking. i hope it gets better, because there's nothing more frustrating during a run than not being able to finish when your lungs feel fine...

speaking of the children...

2006-03-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

the purity of the children

2006-03-31T08:51:00.000-07:00

many of you know that my sister has been going through an extremely difficult custody battle with the father of her children. she's documented well the torment that he's levied on her life, his uncanny ability to manipulate not only her but seemingly anybody that might help him to get his way, and the difficulty of getting away from his inexplicable magnetism. she's fighting the fight of her life right now. i worry for her every day, i support her where i can. and i have to fight the urges of the protective older brother because i know saying what i'd like to say or doing what i'd like to do would cost so much more than it would gain. it's a battle i wouldn't wish on anyone, and i can't tell you how difficult it is watching my own sister go through it and feeling helpless to do anything about it...

at the same time, it makes me thankful for the relationship that i have with ian's mom. yes, she cheated on me. yes, she gave up on us even when i was fighting with all my might to save our marriage and a level of stability in ian's life. yes, she hurt me and drained my self-confidence for a while. but through it all, there's been an mutual and unspoken agreement that ian's happiness, ian's greoundedness, ian's comfort, and ian's emotional "purity" is the most important thing in either of our lives. and while we've had moments when the last thing we've wanted is to see one-another, we've never let those emotions creep into the light of ian's world. we don't use one-another against ian to gain some kind of sacred ground. i know k is a good and loving mom to ian and she knows i'm a good and loving dad. and we don't think we're anything special because of it - we're not walking around patting ourselves on the back for a parenting relationship that we know ian deserves...

i pray that one day carrie can free herself from the shadow cast by a man who cannot compute that his children are more important than his need to win. because life is so much better when you know that your kids come first - in everybody's eyes...

dónde están mis pantalones, por favor?

2006-03-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

i decided to go shopping this afternoon. i'm feeling like i need some new pants, and i had a whole day to kill and even though i'm not particularly fond of shopping i decided to go shopping. mall shopping. multiple store shopping...

i came home a couple hours later completely disheartened.

see, i've been wearing the exact same size pant for years now - we're talking a good fifteen years. 29/30. that's 29 inch waist, 30 inch inseam. i'm not really a small guy - sure, i'm a little on the shorter side, but i'm not skinny. but apparently over the course of the last several years while i've stayed the same size, the average american male consumer has gotten larger. because i simply cannot find a 29 inch waist in a casual pant anymore...

how did this happen? isn't the fashion industry's emphasis on being thin? haven't women's clothes shrunk and shrunk over time? how is it, then, that i cannot find a pair of pants that fit? do you expect me, banana republic, to eat a bag of oreos every day to fit into your pantalones? would you like, j crew, for me to add a layer of fat to my middle in order to over-spend at your store?

it's ridiculous. i want pants. i need pants. society expects that i wear pants. yet the mall-store-fashion-society no longer seems to think i deserve pants. please, someone - anyone - make me a size 29. i'll pay for it, i promise i will. well, except for that seersucker crap or pleated pants. all you 30s can keep those...

v...

2006-03-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

tomorrow, the company that i work for turns five years old...

that's not a big deal to most. after all, lots of small firms have made it to five years, only to fail down the road. hell, lots of big firms have made it five years only to fail down the road...

but i remember very well about 5 years and 2 months ago. my boss took me and another close compatriot to lunch. and on the way he broke loose the bomb - i'm leaving... i'm starting my own firm... i'm tired of the bullshit that i've been dealing with and i've got the support of my wife. and i'm done...

i remember that day so well because i felt abandoned in a way. but i soon realized that it was the best thing for him. he deserved better. he had earned what he would never be given. and i was happy for him...

then about a month after he left, he called me. wanted to go to lunch. and over the next month, we figured out how we could make it work. and by make it work, i mean - i could go work for him. along with one of my best friends. we were about to make a leap of faith - all of us - in a vision for a better job, and a better life...

on july 12, 2001, i went to work for a one-person firm that immediately became a three person firm. we spent the next couple months doing small work, not knowing where the next job would come from - but believing in who we were. we worked out of my boss's garage. for two months. oh my - that feels like a lifetime ago...

today, we're ten people. in 9 months, we're moving to our fourth office space. and we're doing work that is eons above where we came from or where we began. we have a vision. and while we're not perfect, we have incredible people and a great philosophy and a tremendous direction. and we honestly believe in doing great work...

so for our fifth anniversary, my gratitude goes out to my boss and to my co-workers and to my profession. because i love what i do. and i appreciate who i work for and who i work with. and i look forward to the next five years - with the very acute memory of where the last five have taken us...

congratulations, dennis. and thanks for inviting me all those years ago to be a part of it...

treadmill 5k...

2006-03-18T12:12:00.000-07:00

good run today - i decided to run a 5k for time, and the knee didn't bother me for the first time in a few weeks. i needed a good workout today because i'm taking tomorrow off to ski with my youngest brother and my dad. really looking forward to getting on the mountain with them - it's probably been 10 years or more...

today's time:

mile 1 - 7:20
mile 2 - 7:02
mile 3 - 6:49
5k total - 21:51

sweet sweet sleep...

2006-03-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

for the majority of ian's life, he's been a very good sleeper. his first four months were spent sleeping between mom and dad (for the ease of feeding), and the next couple months were consistently through-the-night and in-the-crib. during the three months we lived with k's sister, the sleep cycle was interrupted (because we were sharing a room). but once he had his own room in our new house he's been a very good sleeper. in fact, he's been my alarm clock - waking up between 6:30 and 7:00 with incredible consistency...

until recently, that is. when k moved out and got her own place, she decided not to invest in a crib and instead used the pack-n-play. but at some point in the last few months, ian discovered he could climb out of the pack-n-play and would stand at his door, crying to go to mommy's bed. in all the time he was doing this for mom, though, he hasn't once tried to climb out of his crib at my house. and until recently, he's continued to sleep consistently for me...

but in the last few weeks, he's been waking regularly in the middle of the night. he'll wake up and stand up in his crib with his favorite blanket in hand and call out for daddy. and because he knows i will come, he calls for me until i get there. he's a very persistent little boy...

every time it's the same thing. i walk in, and i ask him if he's okay. rarely are there tears - instead he answers with "i want daddy's bed." i try to reason, he refuses reason. so i cave and tell him he can come to daddy's bed if he'll just go to sleep. because if he's not sleeping, he's pushing me around with his feet. and that means neither of us is sleeping. and i enjoy my sleep...

about a week ago (after ian had, on progressive nights, gotten me up at 3:00 and then 2:00 and then 1:00), k and i joined forces and decided to go the bribery route. ian - if you sleep through the night in your bed we can go eat breakfast at the place with balloons. ian - if you stay in your bed until it's light outside we can go to a restaurant tomorrow night...

the good news is that it has worked. he's made it through the night all week, and he happens to be a cheap date. and he's very proud of himself in the morning when he does make it through (he told k last week "i just shut my eyes!" with a big smile on his face, and pulled open the blinds thursday morning to show me that he slept until the sun came out). i'm just hoping that sleeping in his own bed doesn't permanently equate to getting something in return. because i really don't want to have to promise a 15-year old ian an x-box or something if he'll only sleep in his own bed...

pre-tri try...

2006-03-10T13:51:00.000-07:00

in an effort to spur myself to more focused workouts, i just signed up for the 5430 sprint triathlon at boulder reservoir on june 18. i've spent many many hours on the water and running around "the res" (as we called it) in my rowing days, but i think this will be just a little different...

time to accellerate the training...

overwhelming expectations...

2006-03-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

i don't get easily overwhelmed with work often, and i'm not now - but i feel like i could fall apart at any moment...

i really enjoy my job. i get to create and design and defend on a daily basis. i get to work on interesting projects with a range of clients with a range of expectations. but no matter the project - no matter how high or low profile it may be - i hold myself to very high expectations...

in the past, it has been relatively easy to maintain those expectations, as i've typically worked alone on projects. you see, i'm the only planner/urban designer in an office of landscape architects. and for most of the past five years, i've generally had a workload that has allowed me to manage the projects and do the production work and get it all done in the structure of a 40 hour week. but in the past 9 months or so, i've been taking on more and more projects of varying levels of design. and i've gotten past the point that i can do it all by myself anymore...

the problem with having high expectations is that not everyone has the ability or the capacity or the patience to meet those expectations. and while working by myself for years was good for my sanity, it left me with a deficiency in the ability to explain to others the breadth of my expectations. details should be considered from day one, anything we put on paper should be inherently build-able, what we do should both educate and be responsive to context, the client should understand that we understand the big picture every step of the way...

i think i've always just believed that everyone thinks this way. but i've discovered in the past several months that it's not universal. i like the people i work with. i think we have a sense of design in this office that surpasses most other firms. but we're not all equally picky. and we're not all willing or able to put the thought or the detail into a design that i strive to do every day. and learning how to deal with that, learning to maintain expectations while teaching those expectations... this is the process that i'm living with these days.

that process can be overwhelming. i have a wonderful working relationship with one person in the office - we see eye-to-eye in terms of details and quality, and learn from one-another when we have the opportunity to work together. but today i'm working with three other people in the office on three different projects who i haven't worked closely with before. three people with varying levels of ability and experience. and because i'm not the best teacher, this can be overwhelming. and because i'm picky, i worry that i'll overwhelm them...

i joke sometimes that i'm an anal bastard, especially when i have to explain that something wasn't up to snuff. what i hope for is that those high expectations will rub off on others. what i fear is that people will see me as just that - an anal bastard...

nothing to do with christmas...

2006-03-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

since crista asked, here's the design. perhaps not the most masculine tattoo of all time, but it's got meaning and i did say i like botanical illustration. and no red, christmas-y ribbon to add the cheese factor. it'll be pretty well hidden, too, as it will go on one of my shoulders - and i'm not the type who takes his shirt off in public often...

in any event, i'll bet it's the first mistletoe the tattoo artist has done. at least i'm original - in a borrowed-artwork kind of way...

knee glitches...

2006-03-06T09:05:00.000-07:00

this weekend's runs didn't go exactly as planned. i began the run on saturday (on the treadmill - i should have been outside, but i had ian and don't have an operable jogging stroller currently) by plugging 40 minutes into the treadmill computer. i intended to run a consistent 7:24 pace, and was going along just fine until i hit 2.9 miles. at which point my knee decided it didn't want to go any further...

i don't know running injuries or human anatomy particularly well. all i know is the inside of my right knee sent shooting pains to my brain. and i really hope the pain goes away, because i'm actually beginning to enjoy running. and i just picked up a garmin on friday - which would be completely useless if i couldn't run.

so i made my knee hold up to finish the 5k (22:52) and figure i should ride the bike or get in the pool this week and give the knee a rest. i did make it out for a short hike yesterday with no pain - it's starting to look like spring here. i really need to get a good tune on the bike and get the garmin figured out and trade the cardio equipment for the azure colorado sky...

________________

and on a different note, i think i settled on a design for the tattoo and, perhaps, a studio. now it's up to deciding if i really want to do it. we'll see...

hazel and mistletoe...

2006-03-01T12:11:00.000-07:00

i'm going to have to preface this post by saying that i've never put any weight into the zodiac or horiscopes or any of that kind of stuff. and i'm not going to start now...

but.

ian and i are home today. ian's got a little fever and a runny nose and a bit of a cough, and i thought i'd be the responsible parent and save the other children from his fate. at least for one day. and while he's been sleeping, i've taken the opportunity to do some investigation into that new tattoo that i'm thinking of getting. looking into celtic symbology. doing a little research. and i've found something intriguing...

as it turns out, the ancient celtic version of our zodiac is based on a thirteen month tree "zodiac." now, that's enough in itself to picque my interest - because i happen to like trees. and i happen to really like botanical illustrations of trees. there's something about the depth of branching - a dynamism to a tree - that i really love...

in keeping with the thought that the tattoo may relate to ian, i discovered that his "birth" tree is a hazel. so i'll be looking into botanical illustrations of hazel trees. to see if i can find something i like...

at the same time, i've discovered something even more interesting and directly applicable to me. because the tree calendar covers all but one day of the year. it starts on december 24 with a birch and ends on december 22 with an elder. and then there's december 23. the "nameless day" in the celtic tree calendar. a day governed by no tree - representing instead the unshaped potential of all things, and represented by mistletoe. a day that happens to also be my birthday. the traits that describe "nameless day" people include devotion, persistence, responsibility, graciousness, and practical leadership - which the people closest to me would probably say describe me. and while i don't "believe" in astrology, i've discovered something today in which i can find meaning...

so, while i search for illustrations of hazel, i'll look also for those of mistletoe. because both have a new meaning for me, and a meaning that i think i can justify tattooing on my shoulder..

olympic heroes...

2006-02-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

okay. something's been bothering me for the last couple weeks, and i've got to get it off my mind...

as we're all painfully aware, the olympics have been going on. no - really. the olympics! a time for world-class athletes to get together for a once-in-four-years test of skill. the grandest stage in the world. win and you're famous - at least where you live. lose and - well, lose? if you're an olympian, can you really lose?

see, my issue is this: the media have gone to great lengths in the past two weeks to tell us just how disappointing the american olympians have been. bode didn't do this, apolo didn't do that. lindsey jacobellis is a show-boater, sasha cohen fell. and that hockey team - shameful! these olympians, they done let our country down...

come on! shouldn't we be celebrating the spirit of the olympics and celebrating the effort and the sacrifice that it takes to make it to the event? it's not like these are professional athletes who's salaries we're paying for in ticket sales and who's venues we're paying for with stadium taxes. these are amateurs working their tails off for a once-in-four-years shot at gold. or silver. or even just a finish...

not only that, but this is a once-in-four-years thing. we all have our good days and our bad days, and we all know that the bad ones sometimes happen at inopportune times. world cup events are a better gauge of athletic superiority than a single event at an olympic games. sure, the olympics are the glamour "meet." but having a bad day at the olympics does not make you a disappointment. hell, i'd give about anything to have a bad day at the olympics - because i'd have made it to the freakin' olympics!

so i'm glad the games are over today. because the athletes can get back to their world cups and their day-to-day training and lose the pressure that our media heap on them to have their perfect day based on the four-year calendar. and i'll read in the back pages of the sports section about darren rahlves' quest for the world cup title or shani davis' attempt at a new world record. and i'll smile knowing that - for the next four years - we won't be so quick to label these amazing athletes disappointing...

not to mention, by the way, that the americans scored their second-most medals ever at a winter games. way to go, team...

____________

this weekend's runs:

saturday -
38 minutes at a consistent 7:30 pace
5.07 miles

sunday's treadmill 5k -
mile 1: 7:26
mile 2: 7:05
mile 3: 6:57
total time: 22:06

running recap...

2006-02-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

sunday's treadmill 5k:

mile 1 - 7:40
mile 2 - 7:19
mile 3 - 7:05
5k total - 22:41

and last night's 35 minute run:

mile 1 - 7:41
mile 2 - 7:30
mile 3 - 7:25
mile 4 - 7:20
overall - 4.69 miles

now, if only it would warm up enough to convince my candy-ass to run outside...

this post courtesy of a "miami ink" marathon...

2006-02-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

so i'm thinking of getting a new tattoo...

a brief introduction: i got my first tattoo when i was 23. i'd thought of getting a tattoo for several years, and had leaned a while toward crossed oars (from my rowing days in college). only, once i was done with college i wasn't rowing anymore, and a crossed-oars tattoo seemed the equivalent of a 23-year old getting his greek letters nostalgically etched on his biceps. which sounds pretty lame to me...

so once i really got serious about really getting a real tattoo, i did some research into celtic knots. because my heritage is scottish, and i wanted something meaningful - and something different. in the end, i found a pattern from an ancient textile that i drew into a band. and while it doesn't actually "mean" anything, it means something to me...

and so i got a tattoo. located the band above my right biceps - in just the perfect position that it can be hidden if i don't want it to be seen. which is exactly what i did for 9 years...

yep. i hid my tattoo for nine years. not to the entire world, mind you. but i did keep it hidden from my parents. because i was scared to death of how they would react, what they would say, how disappointed they might be in me. i had countless nightmares about their discovery of the tattoo, i wore long sleeves around them alot. i was an adult afraid of his parents...

and then one night, the night of my brother's bachelor party, my dad and i were sharing a bottle of fine whiskey. and in a bit of a drunken stupor, i just told him. let it fly. dad, i've got a tattoo. and his reaction - almost none. no anger, no disappointment. he took it right in stride...

so i'm thinking about getting another. probably right above the first. and i'll mull this decision over until i settle on an idea or a design that just makes me do it. i'd like to do something for ian - without being overtly about ian. something that always reminds me of the little life for which i am responsible and a love that is irrepressible and inate...

right now, i have no real ideas. maybe something celtic again. not his name - that'd be overt. i'm open for suggestions. and once i find something that feels right, i'll probably head down to colfax and sit in the tattoo chair and take on the pain for a life-long "blemish." and this time i won't be so afraid of anyone finding out...

although it will be even easier to hide.

an admission...

2006-02-14T14:06:00.000-07:00

in what may be seen as a critical break from the code of male-ness and a possible revocation of my man-card, i have to admit that it sucks to know that you're not getting a damn thing for valentine's day. ho hum...

a sunday 5k...

2006-02-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

today was another running day. i decided on a shorter, quicker run - and went with a 5k. felt good, felt fast for me, wasn't completely spent at the end. the stats (and i only put these here to keep track, because i'll forget to write it down elsewhere):

mile 1 - 7:48
mile 2 - 7:27
mile 3 - 7:13

5k total - 23:11

small talk with strangers...

2006-02-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

one of the more strange things that i have to deal with in life is that i live practically next door to the person who partnered with k to escalate the demise of my marriage...

the cheating was one thing. the fact that he has a wife and kids - and wife and kids who i really like - is another. and the reality that his world is still "together" while i search for a new reality works like a steadily dripping faucet. you can try to pretend it's not there - but it reminds you in your darkest hours...

i took ian to a neighborhood restaurant last night - one that we go to regularly because they have a family dining room complete with a play area for the kids. ian will not sit still in a restaurant, so this place is good for my sanity. but last night, the neighbors were there...

somehow, we've rarely seen eachother over the past 6 months or so. maybe it's the weather. maybe, despite the community planners' attempt at encouraging neighborly interaction, we choose not to be seen. but there he was, with his family, acting very - well - family. and there was no opportunity to ignore the elephant in the corner...

i often wonder how his wife is doing. he's been a cheater, apparently, for a long time. she deserves better, their kids deserve better. i wonder how she does it, wondering every day if there is someone else, and putting on a show for the neighbors and friends that all is good. as difficult as it's been for me to let go, i suspect she's got it much worse...

so last night we exchanged small talk. hello, haven't seen you in a while, what'd you have for dinner. and that makes me perhaps most disappointed of all. because once we were friends who saw eachother all the time, drank beers on the front porch, watched the kids play together in the courtyard. and now we're strangers making small talk, pretending in our own little way that the resentment and the anger and the disappoinment don't linger over our lives every day...

running update...

2006-02-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

tonite's run: 4 miles.

mile 1 - 7:59
mile 2 - 7:47
mile 3 - 7:41
mile 4 - 7:35

overall - 32 minutes, 4.15 miles. i'm starting to feel like a runner...

born not to run...

2006-02-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

one of my least favorite physical activities is running. not good when you're trying to do a triathlon. so i'm out to change my own perception...

i've never been one who enjoyed running. not when i ran middle-distances in track in high school. (and oh-so-slowly, i might add. i remember breaking 8 minutes in the mile in my last track meet and thinking that was pretty good. oh-so-slow.) not when i ran cross country for one season. (not only was it horrible for my knees at the time - or was that in my imagination? - but i took my 10-year old brother on a training run one time and he out-ran me. oh-so-slow.) not when i led the crew team in pre-season training runs up the trials outside boulder. never, ever enjoyed it...

since my rowing career and it's training regimen ended in 1995, i've probably run fewer than 25 times. there was the summer of '99, when k and i would run the 2.5 mile loop around the park a couple days a week. two or three 25 minute runs through the neighborhood last year. a couple 5ks thrown in for good measure. and that's it. see, i don't like to run...

then my sister asked me a couple months ago to do a triathlon with her in august. and because i figured i need a goal in sight if i'm going to maintain some regularity at the gym, i said yes. but a triathlon means running is involved. and that means i need to get over my distaste for running...

i finally managed to drag my hesitant feet to the treadmill a few weeks ago... and only because all of the bikes were occupied. somehow i managed to run a 5k. and at a reasonable pace. and it didn't feel so horrible...

i've been on the treadmill several times since, with varying results. there was the 30 minute run that became a 15 minute run because i just wasn't feeling it. and then there was last night's run. i felt good and strong from the first step to the last. i ran at an 8:00 pace for the first 15 minutes and 7:44 for the last 15 minutes. overall 3.8 miles in 30 minutes. and it felt pretty good...

i might be able to get used to this running thing. i think i need to get outside, but i'm going to wait until it's comfortably warm-enough (don't think for a second that i'm going to make myself run in the cold - two things i don't like would not lend to a happy chris). and once the triathlon is over maybe i'll turn my attention to running-only events. maybe i'll turn to trail running, because the scenery is so much more inspiring...

and maybe - just maybe - the guy who hated running can redefine himself...

the big three-oh...

2006-02-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

happy 30th birthday to both my sister who reads this site and her twin sister who doesn't read this site. i hope you have a great day girls, and i'm sorry i missed the party this weekend. damn ski traffic!

parenting 101...

2006-02-05T09:37:00.000-07:00

i know i owe a story about my son and his behavior. but i don't have the energy to put together the clever story that i had in mind about the little boy nearing two and a half years old who is learning to test his boundaries. about a dozen two year olds spending the day together teaching one-another how to kick and to spit and to tackle and to generally not listen to authority. about a teacher who seems under-equipped to handle this two-year old self-teaching and about a mother (and ex-wife) who wants to blame everyone else for her son's new-found aggression rather than accept that our precious little boy could be anything but perfect. and about a dad who is trying to maintain realistic expectations about how children grow and learn, how they need both discipline and patience from their parents, and how to take responsibility for his son's behavior without having wildly high expectations of a two-year old trying to discover his personality. so, instead i'll just give you the quick version:

- ian has displayed some aggressiveness at school lately, including "tackling" and kicking and general boyishness.
- ian's mom can't believe that ian could either a) be aggressive or b) be the only aggressor in the class so she c) freaks out about the aggression and d) blames the teacher and the other children for it.
- i try to maintain a level head, knowing that little boys will be little boys while trying to instill in ian some lessons about proper behavior. like the it's-never-okay-to-kick-a-little-girl-in-the-head lesson. and the spitting-is-only-for-toothpaste-and-only-in-the-sink lesson.

i'm not going to let myself be one of those parents who blames others for his child's indiscretions. i'm also not going to over-react to bouts of uncharacteristic behavior from my son. i just hope his mom and his teacher and the parents of the other students have my back on this one. because i fear i could become the only one with realistic expectations.

up until now, it's been relatively easy raising a well-mannered child in a sheltered environment. but now he's learning to test his boundaries among others who are doing the same, and i have to begin relying on others to do their own little part. and that loss of control is a little discomforting. now is when i learn what kind of parent i'm going to be...

i'm not worried about others disappointing me. i worry about disappointing myself...

oy...

2006-01-26T21:53:00.000-07:00

work has been great this week. everything is in design. conceptual design. and that is the best part of my job.

work has also been hectic this week at the office. which has led to little time to do anything else. like update this site...

so in short (and i'll elaborate later) i'll let you know what hit me between the eyes today: aggressive two-year old. daddy has some 'splainin and some disciplinin' to do...

i'll be back. i promise...

100 things...

2006-01-21T14:42:00.000-07:00

1. hi. i'm chris.
2. although my real name is christopher.
3. as a kid, it embarassed me when a teacher would call me christopher on the first day of school.
4. i am technically an only child.
5. although i have six younger brothers and sisters.
6. my parents divorced when i was a year old and both remarried.
7. i've lived in colorado my entire life.
8. the only exception being a 2-month stint at age 15 on my grandparents' farm in north dakota.
9. i went to college in-state, too.
10. i've always regretted not taking the opportunity to spread my wings and leave the state for school.
11. i am told that i taught myself to read at age 3.
12. and a month into kindergarten i was advanced to the first grade.
13. i was enrolled in a lutheran school.
14. the only class i've failed in my life was sunday school at the lutheran school.
15. because i wasn't lutheran and didn't attend sunday school.
16. i went to the lutheran school because i was a short kid and my mom was afraid i'd get picked on at the urban public elementary school.
17. my first kiss happened inside a tractor tire on the playground at recess in first grade.
18. her name was paula, and she was apparently attracted to the cast on my right leg.
19. because once the cast came off, paula dumped me for the next kid with a cast.
20. i took the fifth grade twice.
21. the first time, i was an underachieving trouble-maker.
22. the second time i was in a different school clear across the state.
23. and a model student.
24. i got my first pair of glasses when i was 10.
25. i cried when i had to wear them to school the first day, because i thought i looked like a dork.
26. and i did. the supreme dork.
27. i would later choose a frame in high school that made me look far worse.
28. when i was in 6th grade i correctly spelled "antidisestablishmentarianism" to win an in-class spelling bee.
29. but the teacher let me cheat and use the chalkboard.
30. i first acted in a play/musical as a 6th grader.
31. i was tiny tim. no, my voice hadn't changed yet.
32. in high school, i was very involved in drama.
33. and a vocal group.
34. and academics.
35. and not in alcohol. didn't touch a drop.
36. in college, i discovered alcohol.
37. and forget about drama, vocals, and academics.
38. i joined the crew team my third year of college with no rowing experience.
39. it was the most rewarding part of my college experience.
40. and gave my far more confidence than the academic part of college did.
41. i majored in civil engineering.
42. except a couple years into school, i no longer wanted to be a civil engineer.
43. yet i stuck it out because i didn't think it was worth it to change majors.
44. after working a couple years in the construction industry, i decided to go back to school for a masters degree.
45. in urban and regional planning.
46. best. decision. ever. (well, professionally)
47. it's amazing how well you can do in college when you're interested in the subject matter and apply yourself.
48. and while the program wasn't particularly challenging, it led me to a very satisfying career.
49. i met the woman i would later marry at a halloween party hosted by one of my grad school classmates.
50. we dated for a year and were engaged for another year before we were married.
51. and we were married for less than two years before she had her first affair.
52. i didn't find out for another two years.
53. when she had her second affair.
54. with our neighbor.
55. i was willing to give the relationship every chance, but she got bored with it.
56. we separated on mother's day, 2005 - her decision.
57. our divorce was finallized on december 1 2005.
58. i don't have any regrets about our eight years together, because without it we wouldn't have our son.
59. and my son is my greatest source of pride and joy.
60. i've wanted to be a father for as long as i can remember.
61. and it's better than i ever imagined.
62. i both cannot wait and dread the thought of him getting older.
63. i'd love to have another child, but i'm not sure i'll have the opportunity.
64. changing subjects now.
65. when i was in high school i was a raging junior republican.
66. then i went to college and gradually learned to think for myself.
67. today i don't claim a party - because i absolutely detest partisan politics.
68. but i certainly lean more to the left.
69. which i think drives my parents crazy.
70. well, my dad anyway.
71. i've had more jobs in my life than i can even remember.
72. it started at my father's drug store, operating the cash register at 10 years old.
73. and went on to include flipping burgers, grinding engine blocks, and driving a forklift.
74. today i am an urban designer.
75. and almost nobody understands what that means.
76. i love my job.
77. because it affords me a lot of freedom to do good and satisfying work.
78. and i'm not afraid to admit that i'm good at what i do.
79. although being a father is the most difficult and most rewarding "job" i've ever had.
80. i have a tattoo.
81. i got it when i was 23 - a celtic knot-inspired band around my bicep.
82. i didn't tell my parents about it until i was 32.
83. and i had countless bad dreams in those nine intervening years about my parents discovering it.
84. yes - i am still afraid of disappointing my parents.
85. in recent months, i've thought about getting another tattoo.
86. as part of the healing process of the divorce and starting over.
87. and, no, i'm not sure how tattoos and healing equate, either.
88. the best place i've ever visited is italy.
89. although i'm confident that if i made it to scotland it would probably equate to italy.
90. i'd rather vacation in a place with history and culture and something to learn than on a beach.
91. because beaches are boring.
92. i do the new york times crossword every sunday.
93. please note - i didn't say i finish it every sunday.
94. come on, only six more.
95. i once ate a jalapeno whole at the age of 12 for a free watermelon.
96. i also once sneaked into an avalanche playoff hockey game - at 25.
97. okay, will this never end?
98. i was once the only witness for the prosecution in a domestic violence case.
99. the jury didn't believe me, but i know what i saw and i know that he hit her.
100. and i'm spent.

right between the eyes...

2006-01-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

very little good comes out of a divorce. hurt feelings, child raising questions, property division - not lots of comfort in the whole event. but when my marriage ended, there was one unquestionable positive from my perspective - distance, both physically and emotionally, from her parents...

i should say that my ex's parents aren't bad people. as a matter of fact, i'm sure they're inherently good people. but, my goodness - if there were ever two people built less suited to my personality, well, those people are my former in-laws...

from day one, i could tell that life would be difficult with k's dad. unlike my father - who is quiet and deliberate and, well, fatherly - my former father-in-law has the emotional capacity of a 4 year old. no matter the topic of conversation, he's always got to be the focus. he not only wears his emotions on his sleeve, but leaves them dripping down the sidewalk in big pay-attention-to-me puddles. i'm considering petitioning webster's to include his photograph next to the term "ego-centric" in future dictionary editions. i have never, ever had a comfortable moment with this man...

the only saving grace is that they live across the country. so, save for three or four week-long bouts of full immersion a year, i could go along with life comfortably. and then we got divorced and - hey - i didn't have to participate in any of those uncomfortable moments. amidst all the weight piled on by divorce, one weight was removed. ahh...

--------------

for a year or so, the ex in-laws have been talking about moving to colorado to be closer to their kids and grandkids. and while it's not the ideal situation for me, i understand their reasons. after k and i separated, the moving talk began ramping up and they've been here several times to check out different housing markets. and, in fact, they've been out this week with the intent of signing a contract...

--------------

so at the gym last night i sat down on the bike next to k. as she was finishing up her ride, she asked if i'd like to come to her house afterward for a beer. apparently, there was something to talk about. i politely declined, and told her that she could tell me right there. not expecting a bomb...

imagine the scene in the movie where the bullet is coming in slow-motion at the unsuspecting victim. i mean, the victim knows a bullet is coming, but he expects that it's aimed at the brow of someone else and, inexplicably, it misses and nails him square between the eyes...

my parents signed a contract today, says k with a slight grin on her face. where, i ask. no answer, just more uncomfortable grin. not stapleton (my neighborhood), i say. yes, stapleton. we're talking a stone's throw from my house. we're talking same grocery store and same coffee shop and same parks. we're talking drop-in-with-no-warning close...

we're talking bullet, right between the eyes...

resolute

2006-01-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

around the time the new year came (a great big two weeks ago), i decided to find some resolve. i won't say i made resolutions because - well - that's a trigger word. a trigger for you-won't-possibly-do-that. so let's just say i searched for some resolve. except i didn't write them down. my resolve existed only in my head. i'm told that's not the best place to house resolve, though. for resolve sometimes requires the help of those around you...

so today, i resolve to make my resolve public (at least to the two other people who read this). i feels lame. but lame can be good. right? here goes...

today (well, 17 days ago, but today's easier to type) i resolve to go to starbucks (or any coffee/caffeine establishment) no more than three times a week. trust me, this is not as easy as it may sound...

today i resolve to eat out for dinner no more than once a week, and to eat out for lunch no more than twice a week. again, harder than you might imagine...

today i resolve to work out four days a week. maybe five. but not less than four...

today i resolve to at least consider a diet low in cholesterol. for i have high cholesterol. and, well, i want to be around for my little guy...

today i resolve to accept me for who i am. which is a pretty good guy. but not an everyman. i have to be okay with that. i really do...

today i resolve to brush ian's teeth before bed rather than in the morning. and, i guess, to convince him that water is the nectar of the gods as opposed to juice. oh. this is going to be a hard one...

today i resolve to make this a therapeutic place for me. to maintain this site as an outlet for my thoughts, for my hopes, and for my fear...

------------

okay. let's see how this goes...

training to train...

2006-01-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

thankfully, the triathlon is seven months plus a couple weeks away. because i'm not the best trainer...

i happen to be one of those people who can get in shape pretty quick. that can be a good and a bad thing. the good thing is that after a couple weeks of being at the gym, i manage to find my stride. the bad thing is that i tend to have to use those two weeks every couple months because i've found excuses to not work out for too long...

i've been great about getting to the gym the last couple weeks. (i fully admit that i'm not committed enough yet to actually do something outside in the winter.) the thing is, i've been great about getting on the bike. but i've only been in the pool once, and not at all on the treadmill. and that's my personality. full immersion in one activity at the complete expense of others...

except i'm doing a triathlon. which requires three different disciplines. which is two more than one...

my answer has to be a schedule. a day-by-day and week-by-week what-to-do. because without one, i'm going to be great on the bike or great in the water or great on my feet but not even good on more than one come august...

i just hope my training partners both in town and a mountain range away keep me focussed. because i don't want to have to regain my stride every couple months...

tag, i'm it...

2006-01-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

Because I don't have anything better to write about, I'll tag myself (courtesy of the sister) and then i'll tag greenfish when she's ready:

4 jobs (only about a quarter of the grand total):
urban designer
late-nite am radio disc jockey
drug store pill bottle stocker
lifeguard

4 movies I could watch over and over:
the princess bride
in the name of the father
tommy boy
any of the indiana jones movies

4 places I’ve lived (pretty colorado-centric):
denver, co
boulder, co
lamar, co
glenwood springs, co

4 tv shows I love:
csi
grey's anatomy
24
laguna beach (i can hear the giggles raining down on me)

4 places I’ve been on vacation:
italy
hawaii
williamsburg, virginia
waco, texas (no compounds involved)

4 favorite foods:
chicken piccata
sushi
a nice, juicy steak
too much garlic in amything

4 places I’d rather be:
the western italian seaboard
any urban park, nyc
the tuscan countryside
virginia in the fall

4 cds I can’t live without:
coldplay, x&y
u2, the unforgettable fire
indigo girls, rites of passage
any of three 2005 mixed cds

4 cars I’ve owned:
1976 chevy luv
1999 volkswagen jetta
1996 toyota tacoma
2005 volvo s40

the winnebago of change

2006-01-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

when i was ten years old i had a fairly traumatic life change. it changed my life in ways i cannot begin to fathom, and laid the groundwork for the person i was to become...

until i was ten and a half, i lived solely with my mother. my parents divorced when i was a year old, and both parents remarried within a couple years. my dad moved in one direction, my mom in another. i used to ride the greyhound bus over the hot plains of eastern colorado, stopping in small towns along the route, a lone 8 year old boy with his flip books to read and a quarter in his pocket to buy a snickers bar at the food stop. i remember little about those visits with my dad and his growing family, save for the arrival at and departure from the bus station...

the summer of my tenth year was different. my mom and step-dad rented a winnebago and our little family took a week-long tour of colorado. we visited the southwest part of the state (thinking telluride was a funny name for a town), spent a day and night at the sand dunes (waking up with eyes puffy and full of sand), spent some time with relatives in denver, and ultimately landed in lamar where i began my yearly two weeks with him...

a little history. before this fateful trip to my dad's house, i had worked myself into quite the little delinquent. both my mom and my step-dad worked full-time, and after school i developed a habit of going to local stores and helping myself to things that i wanted. it started with a candy bar here and there, but i gradually worked into bigger and more expensive items. even getting caught red-handed at the 7-11 and taken to the police station in the back of a cruiser didn't change me. i was on a downhill path and didn't know to use the brakes...

when my mom dropped me off at my dad's house and waved goodbye as the winnebago drove away, i had no idea that would be the last that i would ever live with her. shortly after i arrived at my dad's house, he and my step-mom sat me down and explained that i would be living with them. that i would be going to a new school and repeating the fifth grade (since i'd also let my grades fall over the past couple years). that i'd be the new big brother to five younger siblings. that the delinquency would stop and i would be an example for my family. that life was going to change...

that was an incredibly difficult thing for a ten year old to come to terms with. i wouldn't be seeing my mom, who was all i'd known for years and who was not to blame for the child i had become. i went from a family of four to a family of eight, from the oldest of two children to the oldest of six kids. i had to quickly learn discipline and make new friends and get to know a new family. it was a rough adjustment. and it was also the best thing that's ever happened to me...

as i grew older and moved from adolescence to teenager to adult, i grew to understand the importance of self-control and of discipline. i grew to appreciate the strict control that my parents held me in, to understand that their guiding hand was the only way i was going to become a better person. to become a person that they could be proud of, that i could be proud of...

now 34, i often think back to the child i was at ten. and i am incredibly thankful that i had help finding the right track. that i've had the support of parents and a family who lit the path to change. without them, i would have been a different person. and i happen to like the man that i've become...

nothing to say

2006-01-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

so i've been compelled to write again. compelled by family, compelled by friends, compelled by an urge to unlock the words that don't get spoken.

so much has happened since i last posted, yet i've felt i've had nothing to say. a relationship has seen a finale. a friendship has not only blossomed - but bloomed. i've dealt with the most extreme feelings of inadequacy and anger and loneliness that i've ever known. and yet i felt i had nothing to say...

but that's me. i've always been closed to the world. i'm the brother and the son and the friend who seldom calls. i'm the man who bought into the spouse-as-best-friend idea, at the expense of other relationships. i'm the ultimate internallizer...

i've spent the last couple months tucking away my very difficult world (with the exception of one amazing friend, to whom i owe an incredible debt of gratitude, who bore the weight of my burden). and the whole time, i've had this outlet. except, i've felt i had nothing to say...

today, i'm making a stab at allowing myself to say something. because i do need it. i need to know that someone, somewhere might see my words. i need to free those closest to me of the sole burden of my pain. and i need to celebrate my happiness. because as much as i want to be someone different - this is who i am. but while i may not be the son or the brother or the friend who calls all the time, i can be the guy with the website in colorado who has something to say...

oh, and i'm doing this triathlon in august and have no idea how to train for it. so, if nothing else, at least i can keep track of my not knowing what i'm doing...

i really do hope i find something to say...

birthdays...

2005-08-29T19:57:00.000-06:00

oddly enough, i don't really remember a great birthday. maybe that's what happens when your parents conspire to conceive you with the timing of the eventual birth being two days before christmas. as a matter of fact, i remember very few birthdays at all...

there was the pizza hut party when i was three. which must have been fun. i mean, the pictures - my only real memory of the occasion - point to a great time. and then there was...

oh yeah. there was my 16th birthday. memorable for a couple reasons. i really wanted a car, just like all other 16 year olds. and i really wanted my driver's license - again, just like all other 16 year olds. but, see, i was the oldest of six in a fairly conservative family. and for my "car" birthday what did i get? i got a dresser. five drawers of oak bliss (which, incidentally, i still own). not the ideal gift for a hormonal teenager, however. and that driver's licence. yeah - that didn't happen for another three months. oldest-kid growing pains...

then there was my 21st birthday. actually the most memorable of all. i was home from college. it was two nights before christmas - just like it is every year. my dad had me go to the liquor store and get beer. and my parents invited three of my closest high school friends over. we talked. it was actually a really good night. but that was it for 21...

the only other birthday i remember is 28. i'd just met the ex-wife a couple months before and she was leaving for two weeks the next day. so we got a hotel room near the airport and swam in the vacant pool. good night. early morning...

why do i bring up the birthdays - or lack thereof - in my life? partly because ian just had his second, and i don't ever want him to think that his birthday isn't a day to celebrate him. and because through all that i've been through recently, i understand that we all need to be celebrated sometimes. we all need to feel like the most important person in someone's world - if only for just a day. heck - it doesn't even have to be a birthday... and maybe the best way of showing a person their impact on our own life is to celebrate them unexpectedly?

i imagine that would be a really good day. maybe one day i'll get to find out...

it doesn't take much to cheer me up...

2005-08-24T20:00:00.000-06:00

take, for example, my son, the towel he wandered around with at his birthday party, and his cousins who just cannot wait to get their hands on that blue frosting...

some days...

2005-08-24T18:41:00.000-06:00

no doubt about it - some days are worse than others...

some days, the feelings of inadequacy are heightened to the extreme. some days its hard to see your shadow on the sidewalk, feeling the emptiness of that shell, expecting it to fall in a heap now that the backbone has been stripped by her cheating and her falling out of love...

some days, the weight of life seems too much to bear. some days, the decisions to make are overwhelming, the hope that propels the heart slowing to a creep...

some days, you wonder how life could have taken these turns. this wasn't the way it was supposed to be...

some days the light seems to not shine, only reflections of what was or what could be glancing off the windows to yesterday and tomorrow...

on those days, perhaps unrealistic expectations are laid on those parts of life that are real and good. the comfort of a smile from a best friend. the late night phone call with the one true love. the excited sprint of the perfect little boy. these are the things that i crave - that my deflated soul needs - on days like today...

two years old and starting from scratch

2005-08-18T21:08:00.000-06:00

today is my son's second birthday. big day for him - he doubled his age for the only time in his life. big day for me - a single dad raising an amazing little boy with a spirited and stubborn mind of his own. he's two. and we're starting from scratch...

today we went to the zoo. my son and i, for his birthday. ian saw elephants. and penguins. he saw beautifully colored birds that flew close enough to his head to brush his hair. and mountain goats so far away as to appear as stones on a rocky slope. he saw a matronly gorilla with her weeks-old baby and a hippo with its teenage child. he saw sea lions and penguins playfully swimming and lions and zebras basking in the sun.

today marks a new day in my life, too. it marks the first milestone in ian's life since his mom and i split up. it's a bittersweet day, because it begins a new year for our son, but a year that is defined by mom or dad rather than mom and dad. and while this is the right thing for all of us, i never wanted my son to go through what i've known for my entire life...

after the zoo, i took ian to pick out his birthday present. he slept in the car, and in my arms as i extracted him from the car seat. but as soon as we stepped into the store he was as alert as he's ever been. at first he gravitated to the hula hoops (not quite hippy enough yet, kiddo), and then it was the sandbox toys. but ultimately he chose a bright red fire truck. with an operable ladder and self-propulsion. he loves that fire truck. its his new favorite toy. at least until tomorrow...

as for today, this is our new start. a year of changes - some will be big, some will be small. but all will impact the lives of these two boys. navigating through this new year that defines us both. starting from scratch...